I'm getting ready for work and all the sudden I get this wave of sadness. I have a doctor's appt I need to schedule down in LA and my mom is all the way in Hawaii. I just feel so sad that she doesn't even ask about how I'm doing or ask if I need anything. She was there for the last procedure but that was because she was working there at the time. I mean who doesn't want their mom there for the big scary appts? And knowing that I have to plan all this with someone else (I'm going to be put under so I have to have someone there), I feel like I'm burdening whoever I ask to come with me. Not that they won't be more than willing to be there for me, it's just a lot. Taking time off work, flying down there, coming with me to the procedure, then helping me afterwards. After I'm mostly sore and a bit out of it, not completely helpless but still I need someone. I guess it's hard for me to need someone that much. I feel so guilty having to ask for help. Like I'm not strong enough to do this on my own. Even though I know I literally can't do it on my own, I still feel it. Even though I know my friends and family love me and would help me without thinking twice it feels like a very huge favor to ask. And I don't want to force anyone to come becuase they feel bad knowing that I need help. How do I ask them and make sure they let me know if they honestly can't or don't feel comfortable?
I don't know why I still watch internet porn. I remember how excited I was the first time I saw and like all addictions, I'm still seeking the feeling of that 1st time by watching more and more varied forms. I really don't get to excited with it...I get more excited thinking about my wife when we go to bed...I guess even though I know about addictions I don't understand the why.