Why working and speaking with this women makes me MAGICALLY to be more calm down?? And I afraid that this IS ADDICTION- that used by her not in my interests. AND I DON\'T know what to do. TODAY I am NOT WORKING and I FEEEEL BAAAAAD ;-(.

Well.. first of all.. NO YOU\'RE NOT CRAZY!! :) Perhaps you\'re just afraid to fail and being kinda tough on yourself. Going to school and trying to raise a 2 year old going through terrorable 2s is enough to make you feel like walking on high wire. I think maybe you have to break away from this routine. You seems like to please someone.. and maybe the person you forget to please is yourself? Gotta take care of number 1 before you can take care of anyone else... ever feel like you don\'t have time for yourself? hint hint... how about treating yourself to a nice candle light bath this evening after the little one goes to bed.. relax and think of happy places! :)

Jim, thank you- no, I am not forgetting myself, I actually stayed home today, had the bath ;-) and slept additional two hours. BUT it does not make me feel better- I like to WORK and not just work, BUT WORK FOR THIS WOMEN, I physically want to go th the university, even if it is not my day.

My daughter is wonderful and she mostly behave good, although, as you right, it is not easy for me.

yes, I am very anxious about the re-examination and my study--IRONICALLY, BECAUSE I LIKE IT VERY MUCH. the re-examination is my last chance to stay at school and that\'s why I afraid of it.

I see, well.. okay let\'s be open about this. Are you attracted to this woman in anyways other then student/teacher relationship? I am being serious. Perhaps its the power of knowledge that she possess that you\'re attracted to? Sure knowing this is the last chance you have with school maybe adding this need of making sure you don\'t screw up... still comes back as pressure to yourself. Just think... What\'s going to happen after you graduate? Break the routine! How about go buy something nice? :)

Jim, although it hard to recognise and even harder to say- yes, I like this women because she is VERY SMART, TALANTED and beautiful- successful professor and mom of 5 year old (and she did it-so, probably can I).

I definetely see ROLE MODEL in her. It is scaring, but I (and not only I) noticed, that I started dress and look a lot like her.

AND YES I FEEL I need TO MAKE SURE not to loose any chance for SUCCESS, since I like the topic and the women very much. AND I WROTE THIS top thinking, O my g-d what will be after graduation??

I guess, you right, I am going scating- to break my routine.

Good I am glad you\'re making the effort to break your routine! :) You have to believe in yourself! Have a great day!!! :)

Maybe you\'re the type of person who needs to be in a structured enviroment. I too am a workoholic. Sometime during the weekend is harder for me, because I don\'t know what to do and break up my routine. However, when I do find something I enjoy doing I really enjoyed it and I try to stick with it. Maybe you need to find a hobby of some sort to keep you occupied while you\'re not at school? Just a thought :) BTW.. what did you buy for yourself today? hehe

Hi Jim, yea, the break was great, I went to SPA and took some massage. I walked until the lake and it was cool. For three hours I did not think school- very unusual ;-). So how you break the routine? What are you like to do?

SPA! That\'s great!! As for me, well.. before this whole depression thing, I had many hobbies.. from flying radio control air plane, to deep sea fishing, golfing, I am always out and about. Since the depression I lost much of my interests and just jail myself at home during the weekend and stare at the wall.. not even playing video games. Then I started to think, the only person who can help me is myself. I forced myself to go out, I know is was all about getting started.. example, I went to the driving range.. the hardest part was picking up my golf bag and put it in my car, but once I was there and hit few balls.. really started to get my groove back and in the end, I was glad that I went. So now on the weekend, I try to look at my hobbies and learn to force myself to pick up whatever it is and just do it. Tomorrow\'s forcast is a beautiful day in Southern California, I plan to wake up early in the morning and ride my motorcycle along the coast. It\'s all about small steps, breaking a routine is hard, but if you make an effort and do little by little eventually you\'ll overcome it! :) You have a wonderful day tomorrow! Maybe take the little one to the park?

sounds a bit like a crush, and slow down partner, that doesn\'t necisarily mean your a lesbian, it just means that you are attracted to the women in a way that is unlike any woman before her, not the thing to do is to first slow down, get some rest on those two days, your right when you said you can\'t get anything done, that\'s because you spend to much time obsessing! And also you feelings are not stupid, we all have feelings, and they are always vaid, so stop being so hard on your self. find yourself something to fill those two days with that is just as rewarding as being around your proffessor. good luck, let me know how it goes.

Thanks guys... Although, crush sounds scaring, someting similar IS going on. Yea, I tried to slow down, went for a walk with my little- really nice weather, enjoyed so much. And of course it is different activity, that frankly left my brain at home, which is not bad.

However, tomorrow I have my computer time and I really wait to go to get some staff done untill Monday.

Just to share with you one more incident that happened a week ago- and let me know what do you think. On Thursday I had meeting with the professor and then unexpectedly for me her other student arrived, she had also scheduled the meeting with her, they did not tell me anything before, but I felt bad, that I had to leave.I actually was physically sick over last weekend, as result of it.

I know I idealise this women MUCH and she is NOT in reality as I idealise her. She is relatively marginal as faculty in the departament, my previous adviser was much more central figure, but he left the department for now. She is using other people without hesitation to GET HER purposes and she might not be the smartest of the department. BUT BECAUSE SHE IS MOM AND FACULTY PROFESSOR and really beautiful women ( I think many men of the department like her in a very specific way ;-) and she did it, I find her very interesting person to be.

BUT YOU GUYS, JIM and JAYBEE HELPED ME A LOT, putting things into proportions, letting me to realize I am not badly crazy, I can easily do staff outside the study and it requires not much of the effort, after all.
JIM- SPA and TODAY\'S walk WERE WORTH a lot for my WELL_BEING.

One more thing, I felt today, may be as strategy, or I don\'t know what- I felt I need to change my dress style- to be more visible (I wear usually grey, blue or black). That\'s cause I felt this women and often the department as whole disregarding my interests often. Anyway, I plan to go \"red\" on the job- if you more visible, more difficult to ignore you and consequently your interests. What do you think?? Not only well dressed and well organised, and PREPARED for the study, but VISIBLE too. Hope not one of the crazy ideas?

Woooo... Woman in Red.. Sounds Sexy! :) Do it! I want you to feel sexy and happy and get lots of attention! You deserve it! But remember, let\'s not get too carry away now.. baby steps. :)

Well, regarding this professor of yours.. sounds like she is capable of anything, however, what will she do to get what she want? Even use and abuse others? I think you find her interesting is because of her power overwhelm you, this prompt me to think you need someone in your life. Maybe you need a man to make you feel bit secure? What your professor is doing is only beneficial to herself, and when this is all done and over with, what does it leave you? I really think focusing on yourself and your little should be the priority, yeah she is sexy, and cunning.. and you know what they say.. what goes around comes around. Just think how many people\'s feeling might have been hurt because of her way?.. just a thought.

Well, Jimjim, you clever, men...
Baby steps... OK ;-), very nice idea, but what will it be concretely. I don\'t plan it on every day, only for whole university event, when I am going (most likely ) to ask some question 9hopefully good question) one very known professor. This time I want to be beautiful and visible and I think I already gor good question to ask.

As for the professor- she actually hurt me failing me on the exam in her interests, I did not know this at the time of the exam, but I know it for now- it was hurt and stressing for me, but it definetly made me to change my adviser (she made it look like he (previous adviser) failed me on the exam) and she needed students badly. She knew I was depressed and felt bad even before the exam, but did not hesitate to hurt. Of couse she offered nice topic and mentorship to me, but mentally, I guess I would much better not failing this exam (I got 2 high pass on 2 out of 4 questions)and (probably, although not sure) staying with my previous adviser.
She failed another student in the exam cause she needed help with meeting organizations for faculty (a lot of help) and MADE him to work on her by fear of re-examination (of course he volunteered and work long hours with no pay). He still does this, his re-examination is in March too.
As for professors, there are also some stories of how she gets grants- money, but I am not sure those are true.
As for strong men ;-), yea, I got my hubby, but he is very busy men, who also pursuying academic career and got a lot of his trouble. Often I barely see him at the eve.
As for adviser I think I need to be less clear list for her. Recently she nicely mentioned to me all my fears, well may be not all but many of them. Frankly I did not like that.
Little trick I plan, but still not sure whether it worth of doing at all- until now I gave her my schedule inadvance, but now I think I am going to stop it, making her to be more intrested to meet with me (namely make her reality less predictable). I am also planning to send her the description of work done, rather files themselves and present the findings only on meetings (one more time less predictable reality). Do you think it worth doing??