Sorry for the rant.
I have lost interest in things I enjoy and have found myself losing motivation to do anything. It takes me a lot of prompting to make myself do homework and study for tests. She said that my ADHD has nothing to do with my grades and that I need to stop talking back to her. She thinks that I'm being stubborn and rude for always talking back to her. Whenever I cry in front of my mom she first asks what’s wrong and then tells me to stop crying in an angry tone. She told me crying was a waste of energy and that I should be using that energy for studying. I’m losing my self-confidence and self-worth. I find so many things about myself that are terrible. I have been purposely not eating school lunch for two years to lose weight. I now use my lunch to do work and study to make myself feel like I'm at least being productive. I’ve always been underweight and so I’m making it worse for myself. What’s worse is that the doctor doesn’t like that I’m losing weight because I changed the type of ADHD pill I took to see if it would help with my focus. It didn’t. That was the last time I went to the doctors. I went to the doctor for my daily checkup last Monday. I gained back the weight I lost probably from the Christmas break. I gained 3+lbs lost 3 lbs and then gained the lbs back in a matter of 9 weeks. But I can't eat normal food that you would make at home at the moment because the stove and microwave don't work. We had to replace them and I think my mom wants the electrician to make sure that they are safe. I've been living off of mostly Wendy's food, and sometimes I get chicken fingers from a diner. This has been my dinner for the past few months now. I left the doctors and finding out I lost more weight and said I knew someone in my class that is depressed and lost weight. She told me “Well you’re not depressed.” My mom told me that my friends told their parents, and the parents told my mom, that they are becoming stressed because I tell them about my complaints and my stress, such as when I would tell them about my mom’s ex-boyfriend. So I am to just bottle it up inside of me and pretend to be that bubbly, happy person I used to be. I don’t want to disappoint her but my mind is telling me I’m going to fail. I feel like I’m always being judged even when I’m not. I feel like I’m doing something wrong and that people hate me and that I’m just a burden. Because I am adopted, I feel like my mom would have been happier if she had adopted another baby who was better than me, who would be able to meet my mom's expectations. Maybe it would have been better if I didn't survive the flood. I was found after a flood in a basket in China when I was about 12 days old. I wonder what would have happened if I hadn't been found. I don't think I've really impacted anyone's life for the better so it would be fine if I was replaced.
I think I have depression. When I tell my mom about me having low self-esteem and stress she said that it’s just teenage hormones. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to tell any adults I know because I don’t want my mom getting in trouble. I don’t want them to blame my mom or anything.
I can speak for all but I know for me that when I am attempting to express how I feel to people that most of the time I feel rejected because I can tell that they aren't listening. And that has been something that has gone on majority of my life. I was the black sheep and unwelcomed and not wanted. For a long time that hurt, it hurt not just to hear it, that my feelings werent cared about, but...
Maybe I should be posting in the bipolar group but it seems here is where all the help is. All I have to do is get in a conversation with someone that so much spills out that I'm left with humiliation & extreme social anxiety. I berate myself all day & overimagine the fallout. I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm just weird & when I have the opportunity to start over with a new environment I...