i was emotionally, physically and sexually abused when i was with the first boyfriend i ever had. we dated on and off for 4 years... somehwat dated, he was always screwing other girls. i always trusted him for some reason. he tried to kill me twice, and he always forced me to have sex with him and give him oral sex and he even held me down for his friend to touch me. he would tell me he loved me and then leave me the next day. things were rough. i don't have any happy times with him... i kept this all to myself for 5 years and it has left detrimental effects on me now. i don't know what to do. i can't seem to trust any men. i cry all the time. it's been like this for years. all in account to HIM. i wish he would die. i wish he could be tortured, get a taste of what i feel everyday... but i know that won't help me. i want to disappear off this earth. i hate myself. i hate my feelings. anytime i come close to being with someone i run off, no matter how amazing he is. i want to be normal. i want to get over my past... i just don't know how. i need help. any advice? if anyone has gone through this please help me, i'm sick of feeling like i don't deserve to be here...
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