iam kinda down tonight not like i would be if i was still drinking so i know its ok.i just wish somtimes that i could start,in some ways my life over again.i want to have a some what normal life.to me normal is a small put together house a couple of kids and a littel bit of land with a couple of animals. a couple of genuine good friends come over and bbq. i havent had a good faithful friend befor a good friend in addiction dosnt really exsist.and i had been a alcholic since ive been 12 so i really havent had a chance to experiants a friend that is not a friendamie.i dont know how to be a long term friend i gave up on letting anyone in a long time ago. i just want to be able to let go of these fears of being hurt.i know no ones perfect i just dont want to be hurt intentionally.i start a new job on monday and off and on i have all these fears like what if the main stream women dont like me.what if they think iam weird.what if i cant do the job.what if i dont dress right,look right,i cant aford right now a new over due look,i just make due i need this job and i hope my anxiaty dosnt get in the way. you think iam weird it makes me nervis and in turn i act weirder, iam a good person iam luving caring sensitive,empethetic,sometimes off the wall funny when iam comfortable.its when i feel like iam being sized up and judged is when things get weird..i cant help it.
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