I have been on this site many times but been very afraid to join in as I did not want to fully admitt I had a problem with depression. I kept making excuses as to my problems. Just anxiety from my thyroid, I could come up with all kinds of excuses. I now have also had to admitt I have a problem with prescription drugs. I used the excuse of not having a problem because I don't use them every day or week or month and have even gone about a year without using, but then when I do I want more and I just want to take them to take a break from my real life. I am suffering ringht now from a major depression and anxiety on top as my older kids are leaving to go back to college, one tomarrow and one monday. I am so afraid they won't be back much anymore as one will be 22 on the 26th and the other 21 in september. They are starting their own lives now and I should be very happy abour that but I just can't be. I am grieving I guess you would call it. I do not leave my house very much and I lay in my bed too much. I watch tv and sometimes read. I have been having a hard time getting my house cleaned. I just want to curl up in my bed take my lorazapam or my ambian a nd sleep. Not deal with life. I don't want to die, I just want to be in limbo. I have a 15 year old son who I feel is being jilted as I don't do much and all he sees is a crazy mom. I don't want him growing up remembering me this way. My two older kids already think I am a little nuts. They love me but they get very frustrated. I love it when they come home but they see how it affects me when they get ready to leave and they think I need to get a life. Which I do. I just don't know how. Any advise? I take levothyroxine for a thyroid problem and I take zoloft for the depression, anxiety and I take lorazapam for anxiety, I take cozaar for high blood pressure and premarin for hormone replacement from a hysterectomy a few years ago. I have my primary doc. making an appt for me with a phsychiatrist and hope It can be soon. I have to travel 5 hours just to see one as I live in such a rural area that we do not have the resources. If anyone has any advise I would love to hear from you. I am so tired of crying all the time. my husband is a very good man and has been as good as can be expected through all of this but he is losing his patience also. I love him so much but have never put him first. I have always put my kids above all else. I am a mother first and formost and being a mother is what defines me. Losing my kids is killing me. I want to go back in time and make some changes. I want a do over. I was a good mom but I could have been better. I want to have my little kids back. I want to rock them, hold them, just take care of them. What do I do now? I know i sound like a crazy person plz help me. I want a life but at this stage in my life I feel so insecure around people. Especially in big crowds. I don't even know what kind of hobby I want to take up that could help. I am tired all the time and after work I just want to crwl in my bed and stay there for the night. I am having a hard tme functioning in my job, which at the moment hate. I do daycare in my own home so I have no adult conversation during the day and stuck in my house from the time I am up in the morning til 5:30 at night and then cook dinner and then try to clean my kitchen, sometimes I do and other times I just go to my bed and stay there until morning. Weekends come and I sleep until 10 11 sometimes 12. sometimes I lay in there all day long and may get up do some laundry pick up cook a little. This part drives my husband aabsolutely crazy. my kids also get upset about it. Ijust don't have the energy or ambition to do a damn thing. It kills me as I use to be a very outgoing person and we use to be going all the time. we did all kinds of things. I used to be a total clean freak and mly house was spotless and I knew how to have fun. I want that time back. How do I get there? sorry this was so lengthy. I just felt you needed to hear as much as I could tell. To whoever reads this thanks in advance. Jeannie
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