some things going through my mind as of late: i dont really know myself.. i dont really love myself.. so therefore how can i love or expect someone to love me in return? my life has been easier than most.. and i think the lack of challenges has made me weak.. the lack of confidence has made me loathe myself.. and this isnt a recent feeling.. its been around for as long as i can remember.. i dont remember much for some reason and maybe thats because i hurt myself too much and the only way to ease the pain is to not think about it. one memory popped into my mind right now.. me about 7 or 8 at school.. walking around the yard in circles alone while talking to myself.. i think that was my usual routine. i wish i could just tell someone how i feel about myself and other things going on in my head.. but no one understands.. i dont want them to think im weak or stupid or lazy or anything. i just dont want to hurt. i dont want to trust.. every time i date i sabotage it and i convince myself that its because im some hideous rotten being. i dont want to be alone.. sometimes when i cry i look at myself in the mirror and i wish i could reach out and hug the girl in there.. i make my own reflection suffer.. i feel like ive never had anyone.. i have loving family and a few good friends but i cant say anything.. they all have their own problems why dump mine on them when theyre not important. i wish i wasnt so alone. i think ive begged and prayed for relief from my sorrow every day of my cognitive life but nothing comes.. nothing ever happens
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