hi i'm new to this site, well i've been reading the discussions for a long time now but i just officially joined. i joined because i kind of wanted to tell my story, which is very unusual for me but is much easier to do behind a screen. i've been depressed or at least recognized my depression for almost two years now. i'm 18 now. I've been taking antidepressants for a little over a year. i had been doing a lot better until a couple months ago i really was having a tough time. i felt like or feel like now everyone hates me but the biggest thing is i really hate myself now. i've never hated myself before i've hated the situations i've been in and the people around me but never myself. which is why i think now is the deepest i've been in depression. I've tried talking to people, i've increased my antidepressants, and scheduled an appointment with my counselor that i have not seen in awhile because i had been doing better and swim team was keeping me too busy to see her. i did self harm a little less than a year ago, i was pretty addicted almost doing it every night until i talked to my counselor and she had to tell my father and i pretty much became too embarrassed to do it again. until Thursday. i had been so depressed that i hated my life so much and then on Wednesday and Thursday i was feeling better, almost like i was never sad in the first place which made me think i was absolutely crazy. Thursday night i was questioning myself and before i knew it i was cutting, which is very ironic being the self harm awareness day. i almost felt like it was just to have the scar to prove to myself that i want crazy and that i was sad. its almost not enough anymore.i'm not saying i'm suicidal because i could never do that, but i am almost fearless like i'm not afraid to die. all of this plus the stress of my senior year and all the changes coming up so fast have really affected me. i'm really going crazy.
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