I feel as if all of my friends have distanced themselves from me in light of my current situation with my mental health. Alot of them are very uncomfortable around me and I don't have a single friend who wants to even attempt to understand or help me through what has been seriously deteriorating my mind over the past year. I don't blame them. At this stage I must appear extremely needy but only because I'm getting desperate and feel that I won't be able to cope much longer. I found out from university that they have refused to allow me to re-enter into first year as they feel that I haven't appreciated the work I had in front of me last year and have just basically said to me you can't come back and good luck. The girl I liked so much not so long ago has started to be in contact with me again as she no longer is going out with "that guy" and claims he was a creep. Shes as playful and cute as she ever was but seeks help and advice in me in the form of a problem I really shouldn't even know about never mind giving advice about. She likes this guy and shes feeling down because her friend is very flirtatious around him and this makes her feel bad and she feels neglected. Ironic I know. Of course I offered her any advice I could disregarding my own feelings in aid of hers as I find that her happiness (or anyones for that matter) is more important than mine. She e-mails me in the morning before school and has started text messaging me again. Then two days ago she just went cold and nothing since. Again leaving me in an absolute pit of despair, self-deprication and self-pity which is pathetic. Even if I managed to get her off my mind I dream of her constantly and being a "dreamer" in the metaphorical sense my dreams have a profound impact on how I percieve certain situations and blind me from any real truth about myself and what I should be doing that I should know. My dreams also shake me up quite a bit. A couple of weeks ago I went to the biggest 3 day music festival in Ireland called "Electric Picnic". The line-up was amazing and I had the time of my life. I didn't think I was going to get to go as I didn't have the money then a friend of mine who I've been close to for 3 years but have since grown apart from since around June phoned me telling me that he'd bought me a ticket 12 hours before the gig. How kind of him I know but this may sound very harsh but in the back of my mind I couldn't help but thinking; is this because he feels guilty that he hasn't been there for me in my time of need because make no mistake about it he most definetly knew how bad I was and was no-where to be seen. Although these thoughts are most likely just another part of my self-involvement. I've been playing a role that isn't representative of how I've been feeling since that music festival and have made friends again and people have even started to tell me how much better I seem to be doing and how much happier and confident I am. I have been having fun but at a cost because I haven't dealt with my pain I've just buried it and feel as if I'm splitting into two completely different people. Although truth be told when I say I haven't dealt with my pain that wouldn't exactly be true in full. Two weeks ago I started to cut my chest which has offered me emotional release in the form of physical pain. I'm sorry if this upsets anyone but this is the only place where I can explain EVERYTHING without consequence (I hope). I've been feeling very suicidal recently and have been reading alot about it. Apparently suicide occurs when pain out weighs our coping resources.
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