i don't really know where to start...
ever since the depression/anxiety got worse, everyone avoids and ignores me, or puts me down.

I do not have support in this. I always feel like I'm there, but I'm not, you know what i mean?
Like I am on auto- pilot, or just going through the motions.
meanwhile, I am so far away from that moment. I cant even describe how distant I feel.

I am so taken over by this, that i can literally feel myself fading away. I cant even sit and have an honest look within myself. It took me forcing myself to think for the longest time to figure out why I just don't care. Its not that hard to figure out, with the depression and crap, on top of my stressful life, i am just too overwhelmed and defeated to care.

But if you would have asked me that on the spot i wouldnt have been able to tell you. I had to think about it for days before i came up with an answer, that is how frozen my mind is. you know im writing this now, and in one word, to sum up all of what im feeling, I truly just feel defeated. 100% defeated.

I often feel fake. mainly because, like i said i always feel like im just going through the motions. I feel like i have become this big front. I can be loving, understanding, forgiving, compassionate, fun, i can be all those things, and i like to think thats who i "really" am. The type of person who will reach out and be a friend, help you to get back up.

However, all of my life i have been manipulated, lied to, taken advantage of, hurt and mentally abused by my family, peers, friends.
Its happened so many times, ive been manipulated many times by fake feelings, and people pretending to care or even understand, so they cant get what they want from me. I noticed that I am acting that way now too.

One moment i am guiding those around me towards the light, the next im creating the darkness, so it raises the question in my mind, as to who i really am. I can be so fucking cruel sometimes, and i know im out of place, i cant stop. I wonder how i could spend so much time in pain, in tears because of the cruelty of my own familys words and actions, swear i will never be that,

then turn around and tell my 9 year old sister shes a fucking fat bitch, because she ratted on me over something stupid, and got my mom bitching at me. I mean shes 9 years old! thats what they do, they are a fucking pain in the ass. But as her big sister, im supposed to be her friend, her protector, someone she can come to at any time. There i am putting her through the same thing i went through, and its not just limited to her.

logically someone can look at this and say, its because of the depression, its because you are adjusting to the meds. That may be.
It doesnt change the guilt i feel, for allowing myself to be this monster, not to mention a complete hypocrite. It doesnt help when others just affirm this view i have of myself. I just feel so weak, so past the point of turning this around.

A week ago I attempted suicide,at first i was very angry, my moms boyfriend came in my room, screaming at me, telling me he was sick of my asshole attitude. I just lost it, my bunk bed is on 4x4 wooden posts and i just started smashing my head off of one of the posts. i dont know for how long. I had a huge bump. After that i was just so empty again. I downed 30 pills. No one knew. They knew i was out of it, and stomach sick, and very tired. My mom told me to stop acting stupid around her, so i left and went to my dads, i dont know what i was thinking- at all, i was so disoriented.

I fell asleep at his place, when i woke up i was very sick. But that was the most of it, i was fine, i didnt go to the hospital, no one knew.
I told my mom, i knew how pathetic i sounded, i feel pathetic. She pretended it never happened, after 5 minutes of telling me i was just like so and so, she ignored it, that was the end of it.


I dont know how many times i have said it, defeated, worn out, whatever you want to call it, you can see it, my posture, my expressions, my movements, my actions. They just dont hold any life.
Like its all been sucked out of me. i dont know how, or if i will ever have it in me to try to re construct myself. The half hearted " hang in theres" do absolutely nothing for me but bring out the cynical side. I just think, if it were as simple as hanging in there, id be doing that rather than writing this hoping to god that someone out there gets this bullshit i am going through.