When I was young, I was confident and outgoing and had alot of childhood friends, knew nothing of depression. Then I started to experiment with drugs and alcohol and hit puberty at 15 (late bloomer), and that's when I first began to feel depressed. I had alot of ocd signs at that period of time as well for some reason. I'm not sure what really started it, drugs, pubery, hereditary chemical imbalances in the family, but then my dad left my mom and we moved to another state and left all my friends behind. I fell deeper and deeper into a hole of despair, couldn't handle school or make friends because I became so insecure and was just too sad all the time. I quit school. So then I spent alot of time alone in my bedroom smoking cigs and watching tv all night and shit. It was so horrible a feeling. I was so innocent and young and lost and felt so lonely and scared and hopeless. I remember going to sleep with my mom sometimes because I became afraid of the dark. I never really showed the extent of it much to others but my mom knew I wasn't happy. I don't want to get into all the other crap, my dad being a jerk and not caring and my mom was a basket case because he left her and so on, but I remember crying and crying so much alone in my room, feeling so horrible and scared and lost. I knew nothing of depression at that time. I spent like 4 yrs like that. Eventually I just couldn't talk anymore really. My mom got a verbally abusive boyfriend and he moved in and I hated him. Her and him treated me bad and I felt like nobody in the world cared, nobody understood. I tried to kill myself at age 18. Didn't get any help or counceling. Finally started hangin around my brother and his friends doing drugs and drinking. I didn't know how to be anymore, couldn't talk. I was the quiet one in the corner who nobody could get to know. I was so isolated within myself. Everyone was better than me. I felt anything I said was stupid. I wanted friends so bad but just couldn't let anyone close. Nobody knew how sad I was or had been for a few years. 7more attempted suicides which no one really knew about at age 19. pills, insulin injection, cutting, more pills etc. didn't do the job. I had my first boyfriend at age 20 and first kiss and sex. Got pregnant. the guys was really abusive. To make a very long story shorter, I became an alcoholic, have been raising my son alone, no father at all, still suffered from my depression for over 17years and alcoholism. No more suicide attempts though since I had my son. I finally got on medication about 7years ago but have drank on them the whole time. Needless to say, I'm here now because I really need and want to quit drinking and get better and know what it's like to not suffer and struggle through life all the time. I feel like I'm still 18 in alot of ways because I never really grew up. I never really have had much of a life, or relationship. I pushed alot of people away and have always lived alone with my son. I know though that things can and will get better if I stop running away and face my problems and get help for once and talk finally and reach out. I feel for all you teens who suffer. I know all too well what that is like. believe me. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. I hope you get better and get help and reach out and know that you're not alone and there is a solution, do it now, don't go through 20yrs of this hell before you decide to ask for help. I said I'd make this shorter but it's hard to put 20yrs in one paragraph. I can't possibly tell you all I've dealt with. Just know I care, hang in there, it can get better, best wishes and hugs, Angela
Posts You May Be Interested In
A friend sent this to me..As far as I can see, grief will never truly end.It may become softer overtime, more gentleand some days will feel sharp.But grief will last as long as Love does - ForeverIt's simply the way the absence of your loved onemanifests in your heart. A deep longing accompaniedby the deepest Love some days. The heavy fog mayreturn and the next day, it may recede.Once again, it's...
Today is my 25th birthday, to my somewhat lack of surprise I can see already no one really seems to care. I've always been the kinda person to make sure that everyone I Care about feels appreciated and knew somebody had their back. I can count 4 times this year when I Went out of my way to make sure a "friend" felt good on their birthday, especially if they got left hanging. Its early in the...