I am simply here to have a friend. I have gone through most of my life feeling alone. The thing is is my mom was one of those "act on your thoughts and say what you are thinking" kind of people. She said somethings that still some back from time to time. I remember that she would get so mad and would just start slapping me non stop and throwing me into things then telling me to stand back up so she could do it again. I dont remember most of my childhood. I think I try to hide from it. When I moved away from my mom I found myself missing her slap-downs. She noticed me when I was there. She cared enough to do something about my bad actions or disrespect. She saw me when I got home. She huged me when I went to bed and she cooked me pancakes for dinner. She touched me and told me the truth about who I was...why should I feel anything but love for her? She didnt cover she self up and fake her happiness with me. When she was happy she showed it. I also saw parts of her I wish I would have never seen but I put it all behind me. My mom and I now have a good relationship. I live with my dad and still hear from my sister that she slapped her or said something hurtful to her. The thing is is that my mom never had to do much more than yell at my sister...she got to afraid of my brother to touch him anymore. I would get the hits and push back the tears so my sister wouldnt feel bad about me getting hurt. I love my mom and she shows me her love now. I know if I still lived with her she would do the same as before. Jump over car seats to hit me. Push me into the wall and yell in my face saying she hated me. I see her happy and loving. Thats all I ever wanted to see...is her happy. I have hidden behind a tough exterior so that people will stay away because when people arent there they cant hurt you.
I am not who I want to be. I want to be the little girl who loved out doors and animals. The little girl who showed emotion and loved everything about life. The one that was happy to see her friends and family. She was never shy with anyone. Why cant I be the same little sweet girl I used to be?
I dont know what happened to me that I became who I am. I will never say that my mom had anything to do with it. It isnt true. It maybe what makes me get violent but thats all.
I have been with six different counsalors, I have been in two different placements but not more than a week each, I have been cutting for 2 years now, I have lived in 3 houses, gone to 8 different schools and most of all I have felt like dying to many times to even count. There are days were I feel like I am fake and I dont exsist...to days were I feel like everyone is staring at me and that they judge everything about me.
I have no idea what the point in writing this was. I guess I felt if I wrote something true...something that really counts down that I would feel real for once. I dont know what is wrong with me...