I sort of understand my Mom a little bit, she was 1 of 17 children and grandmother always favored her boys over the daughters. Something my Mom said she would never do. Guess what, That's exactly what she did do. Her boys could do no wrong. I was told when I was very small that I never should have been born that I was only trouble and always would be. As I got older the physical and verbal abuse got worse. By the time I was ten she was calling me names like trollop and concubine, slut and whore things I didn't know what they meant. She would smack me in the face or knock me down the basement steps but back then no one would have done anything it was simply considered a parent dicipling their child. Even now when they come to see me I can hardly wait for them to go home they do their best to dredge up every bad thing bad I've ever done even when I was 4 and 5 yrs. old. I'm so sick with stress that when they want to go for breakfast the next morning I can't leave the bathroom. I'm still at 61 yrs. old trying to get her approval. Why I don't know but I do know I love her and have finally after all these years formed some sort of a relationship with her. It would really hurt me terribly if something happened to her yet on the ther had there would be some relief. Am I wrong to feel so confused about these crazy feelings.
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