Hi! My name is vanessa and I just joined this group today because nothing seems to be helping me. Im 23 years old and I just lost my dad 5 weeks ago. He died of pancreatic cancer a mere 2 nd a half months after his diagnosis. He was only 57 years old. I'm like lost. My dad and I were very close I was a true daddy's girl. I feel like half of my soul is dead now. I've tried to think positive and I guess it's helped. I work in a mental health clinic so I always have to try to put up a wall so I can be there for the people I work with. I go to work every day and I attend night school where I am getting my master's I'm almost done. I guess the real feelings come out after the day is all said and done with. I can't stand to go to bed at night. The silence just kills me. My dad passed away at home (he was under hospice care) so my mother, my aunt and I took care of him hand and foot once he became terminal. I still live in the house where my father passed away. My mother just started to sleep back in the bedroom, but I have to stay with her some nights. I still here my dad moaning and crying in my head. I hear all the pain and the suffering happening all the time. I try to face it and I try to just live it down and get passed it but I never have the time to. I work 9 to 5 and I have a very busy lifestyle so I never have the time to just deal with these feelings. The few times that I have tried it has almost stopped me dead in my tracks. I just cry and cry and hurt and hurt and I can't stop it. Latley, as time goes on it gets worse to a point where I can't control when it comes and goes. I found myself at my desk at work last week crying and not being able to stop. I had patients in the office and the phones ringing and I just couldn't stop it. I went to a weddding this weekend and I was angry at hell. I was jealous of the bride and angry at the fact that all these joyous occations in my life (graduation, wedding, birth of my children, etc) are not going to be as wonderful as I thought because my dad won't be there. Everybody tells me "well he is with you...in spirit". I'm sorry but I can't hear that right now, call me immature and call me angry but I want more then that right now. I know what I am feeling is common and normal but I am just lost in this. I hope this helps at least a little bit....take care everybody!
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