Happy Halloween everyone. Well, I couldn't stay away. I've had my Dad on my mind lately and just thought I'd check in with the group. For newbies, this is my life.....My dad was my champion, my mom was my sisters. I was just like my Dad, he was a no nonsense type of person. My sister is just like my Mom. When my Dad got sick, I took care him to Drs. appts., took him to Chemo., I answered all his questions. It was fine with me, It gave me time with him, which I loved. My Mom and sister were to overcome with the fact my Dad was given less than 2 years, so they just pretended it was all a fantasy and not happening. Whatever, I was there, I took care of things. Thats what I do. I'm a caretaker. The year after my Dad died, my only son left for College. Thank goodness he's only 3 hours away, but he's gone. I was and still am a wreck without him. I am doing better though. So with him, the same thing. Being a mother was my life, my full time job, my being. I did a good job. My son is a wonderful young man. He is thriving in College. He's cooking, doing his laundry, doing well in classes, joining clubs, trying to find job. He loves it, which thrills me. However, even though I'm so happy I did a good job mothering and so happy he's doing well, I find myself getting depressed alot lately. My husband started working additional time at his second job, so now he works all day long comes home then leaves 5 nights a week. The economy is slowing my antique business and my gardening business. So, he feels like we need the cash for college. I started selling on ebay, but basically I am not adding to the house incoming cash flow. So, to finally get to the point, I feeling really alone. I started to think I needed to get more friends maybe, but that quite wasn't it. My feelings are deeper than that, not only am I feeling alone, I'm feeling worthless. That's at the core. Worthlessness. Being a caretaker is who I am, its what I do. Making a difference in someones life is important to me. I took care of my dad, now he's gone. I took care of my son, now he's away, I take care of my husband and now he's never home. I am out of a job and I feel like I have no worth anymore. So, I've decided I have to find someone or something who needs me. I love kids and animals, so I'm going to try to find a place I can volunteer, some place I can count, some place I can make a difference. I'd love suggestions. I'm still feeling alittle overwhelmed with all this, but at least I have a focus now. I can't believe in Feb. it will be 2 years since my Dad died. I couldn't have gotten through it without all of you here. I miss him everyday. Thanks for letting me ramble. Hugs and love to you, Marge
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