I am new to this...but I feel as if it's time to deal with all my emotions I guess...I am so not good at talking about stuff, that's probably why it's all built up inside and I seriously feel like I'm going crazy! Sorry this is gonna be long, but I got a lot to talk about. I had my first loss at the age of 7, I am now 31. My brother died of suicide (but my siblings beg to differ), my uncle also died shortly after. Then about the age of 11/12, 2 very close family friends died, both young (different circumstances) and unexpected and tragic. Things started to get better, I feel like time healed those wounds, or I was just so young that it seemed easier? But then came 2000, and the deaths haven't stopped since! I lost my grandma whom I was so close to, died of alziemers. It was hard to see her in that state, she didn't know who I was. And when I did see her, it was just nonsense she spoke. I just cried everytime we met. She died on my birthday, dec.24,2000. On Sept.1 of the following year, my aunt went into hospice with lung cancer. She hadn't smoked in 20+yrs, seemed crazy! She only lived about a month before she died on Sept.11,2001. Yes, a really bad day. I took my mom to hospice to see her everyday she was there until she died. I felt so bad, on the 11th...I was late picking my mom up to take her there because I couldn't pull myself away from what was happening on the tv. She died minutes before we got there. I don't think I ever forgave myself for not getting my mom there in time to say goodbye to her sister. On Feb.8,2002, my husband got a call from his grandpa that his dad had been found floating by his boat, dead. Totally unexpected! Then came Memorial Day 2002, I decided to work that day, I had no plans. My mom called me at work to tell me Susie died. At first, I was like "susie who?". My sister Sue was much too young to die...but she said "your sister". Unreal! My other sister also worked where I did, so I had the duty of breaking the news. It sucked! 2003 gave me a break thank god! But then came 2004, my dad had COPD and prostate cancer. I was daddy's lil girl. I remember my brother calling me on that monday in July telling me that dad had to go to the hospital. And like I did everytime with my parents, I was there in a flash. I just had my first baby in February of that year. I had to bring her to the hospital with me, and as soon as I saw my dad, I knew....this was it. I had to get the baby home, he gave her the biggest kiss ever, and that was their last. He was admitted to the hospital, and over the next few days I couldn't bear to go there. I knew it was the end. I called him every night, and told him to eat, that he needed to to get better. And he told me "I know, but nothing sounds good and I'm afraid I'll choke. And your mom and brother wore me out visiting" I would tell him again to eat, and tell him I loved him and repeat the same the next day. Friday of that week, my sis calls me and tells me he's going to hospice. I knew it...this is it! I do not deal with pain easily, so I had a few beers before I could bear this. I walked in with sunglasses, because I'd been crying since I'd gotten the call. My mom and siblings were there, and it was so tough not to break down. But my dad was wide awake, and so happy to see me. That night, they all left, but I could not leave him alone, knowing this night might be his last. It wasn't, but it sucked! He would get sick, and it would hurt, so the nurses started giving him suppositories which knocked him out. One time, he woke up terrified. he jumped so high, scared the heck outta me...he told me this crazy dream he had...at that time he was still aware. By morning, he was pretty much out. He would smile at stories. i told him some secrets I'd kept since I was little. Like how I would pretend to be asleep on the couch so he would carry me to bed. I did this when we were alone, so it'd be our special moment. He smiled so big, I knew he was still there. I told him what a great dad he was and how much I loved him. He lived through the next night and passed away at 3:15pm on Sunday. My grandpa (his dad) was there, which was so sad. he was shaking so bad as my dad drew his last breath. But he was a trooper, at 92 yrs old...he gave him a kiss and told him he loved him. A few months after that, my mom got very ill. Almost died, she was never the same without my dad. They had been married for almost 50 years. It was so hard trying to be a support for her, and trying to grieve my dad. I don't think I ever did grieve his loss. I was the one that had to make the calls, close the accounts, sign the checks...even though I was the youngest. In 2005, I lost a friend, an ex...but someone I really loved. You know how you have those people that you lusted and those you actually loved. I actually loved this guy, I hadn't talked to him since my wedding. He came to it for me, and I know it was hard for him to be there. We had a wonderful conversation...and that was the last one. During these years, I had also had 3 wonderful pets that had died unexpectedly. 2006, gave me a break...along with the birth of my 2nd daughter in dec.2006....but then I got the call that my grandpa had passed on Feb.22, 2007. Ugh...when does it end? Then, that's when it happened...I got the call from my brother called to tell me that my mom had died. I am the executor of the estate which made me put the grieving on a backburner. When the estate settled in April of this year, i was so busy with a friends out of state wedding that it took my mind off things. While I was on vacation for her wedding, I get a call that my grandma died. So, here I sit...in a flood of turmoil. I think it's all finally caught up with me now. I am so anxious, worried, etc all the time. My doc says I should have talk therapy...I hate in person talk, so here I am. Sorry bout all the rambling...just had a lot to get out!! Thanks to all for all you listeners. I really appreciate it. I feel a bit better already, sounds kinda weird!
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