I would definitely step back and let him share what he wants to share. No one likes talking about purging or incontinence or bowel movements so I wouldn't assume it's not because he doesn't want to share. I've been married to my husband for almost 12 years and we've been together longer than that and I don't talk to him about it unless I have to. I like to appear strong and healthy because it makes me feel strong and healthy. It's not because I think he wouldn't care -- it's because I just don't like dwelling on it.

I hated asking for help here, but I have never been confronted with this type of situation. I will take your advice and let him take the lead here. It is his burden to carry, but I will help when/if he asks. Thank you so much for the advice! I really appreciate it!!

The prep for the test isn't pleasant- and the results of the prep aren't exactly companion material- You spend a great amount of time on the tiolet- or running for it, praying you'll make it- and applying ointment, etc.- trying to soothe a sore tush after... it's not a team sport. You are wonderful for wanting to be supportive- ask him what you can do... give him a "prep kit" of your own making- clear broth, gingeraile, tucks pads, juice.... and adult moist, unscented but wipes... show that you "get it"- and then clear out so that he can "do his business" in peace....

I think that is a great idea! I will do that. I will drop it off at his place while he is at work. That way he won't have to even see me, which I think might neutralize any embarrassment he might feel. Thank you!!!

When I'm really sick, I just want to take care of myself and be left alone. It's not that I'm pushing my husband or family away. It's just how I cope. I'm the same way when I have the flu or any illness.

Also, talking about my UC all the time gets boring for me and reminds me that I'm not well. I kind of like the mental break of NOT having to talk about it.

My advice would be to learn as much as you can about the disease and then tell him that you did some research and you have a better understanding of what he has to contend with. Then just tell him you'll support him any way you can and that you're there for him. Then he knows that you care and that he can lean on you if he wants to. That's probably the best thing you can do for him right now.

Everything that has been said applies.
Here is the bottom line:
HE doesn't want you around when he's sick because he doesn't feel like a man when he's sick. Men's eggos are tied up in thier ability to be manly. When we are sick we don't feel worthy of love or attention.
He doesn't doesn't want you to see him at his most vunerable.
Leave him alone unless he asks for help.
I would also advise to not bring up the subject when he is suffering. Wait until he is feeling really well to try and talk about it. When he is in the midst of a flare up his thinking and ability to communicate rationally will be impaired.
These are just my opinions and thoughts as a man who has dealt with this and other chronic disease for 32 years.

I always tell my friends that thank goodness I am married and don't have to date...I think I would be to afraid to. I think it is wonderful that you want to undertand what he is going through, but this disease is so embarrassing and uncomfortable to talk about. I would give him his space, and when and if he is ready...he'll talk to you about it. Just let him know you are there for him. That means a lot.

KJ92,

I REALLY REALLY have to agree more than 100% here with ReedM.

Give him his space during these 'hard times' for him.... like people have already said, read up on Crohn's and Ulcerative Colitis so you know what he might be going through. These diseases are similar, but so different for each one of us.

In regards to the 'care package'.... that's a nice thought.... But seriously... that is something girls would do for each other.

If (to KJ92) your friend is obviously subtly pushing you away during these 'flare-ups' or procedures.... he needs his space. Giving or putting together a care package so soon.... is almost an invasion of privacy. And depending on the person... we can be very sensitive about such things....

I would suggest leaving a "Thinking of You" card.... maybe with something that would help him relax (no... no alcohol!, ha ha)... But maybe the card... and a few flowers (guys don't get flowers too often... right?)...

Chicken broth is a nice idea too... but seriously.... We're guys!!! WE want food!! We can eat after the procedure..... maybe some more filling foods.... I'm thinking (for myself here) meatload and mashed potatoes ..... sounds sooo good right now.... Mmmmm!

Keep it simple.... don't invade his privacy.... and be very sensitive to his feelings right now.

Good Luck!!

By the way... I've had 2 colonoscopies earlier this year.... like 4 weeks apart from each other....

Just be supportive!

Ok ok... this comment wasn't needed.... but I just read my post.... LoL @ "Meatload and mash potatoes"..... I meant to say Meatloaf..... something that isn't too hard on his stomach/intestines after the procedure.

You know, the day of the porceedure, he'll need some one to drive him home afterward. Does he have that lined up? You could offer but don't push it. (the o/p facility that I use requires that someone stay in the waiting are the whole time)
I, like ymamot, am so glad to be married! I'll tell ya, if my hubby wasn't there afterward to listen to the doctor with me, I wouldn't have remembered much of what the doc said.
Good luck to you.

Wow!!! All this advice has been fabulous! I have to say that I will take it all into consideration as we move forward. I have known him for 17 years, but the dating is a recent development. Along with the UC/Crohn's diagnosis.

I am going to give him space without making him feel as though I'm pulling away. It is his illness to discuss as he needs/wants to. We are friends first, and everything else second. I would like to thank the guys for their comments. ReedM & LongieWithChrohns I have gotten a totally new view of his position from you two.

KJ92,

Glad to be of help to you! Sadly.... I've been on a rough road with this disease. Diagnosed with UC back in 2000, and then Crohn's in 2001 (around then).... been through procedure after procedure.... tested for this and that.... and am still here....

Good Luck!

KJ92

You sound like an awsome partner, and I can REALLY relate to your bf there. I, too, didn't want my bf around me when I was at my most sick. Aside from anything else, UC and Crohens are not 'sexy' diseases...there's no silver lining to this cloud. Your boy probably feels incredibally vulnerable, and unattractive right now, so he's keeping you at bay. But, the time when he'll really need your love and support, will be once he's in recovery, and this trauma finally has a chance to really hit him. It's not something most people can just shrug off, especially when its usually a permanent change to one's life. You can't 'get away' from it, so he's really going to need to know that you love him, that you're going to be there for him, that he matters most above all.
Just try you're very best to make his life as stressless, and comfortable and 'secure' as possible.

Also, if he goes onto a steroid for treament, watch his moods like a hawk, because that stuff can completely turn a person's personality about. If he starts getting irrational, or violently moody, or paranoid ect - get him to the doctor and tell them because that is as serious a side effect as any of the physical ones. I should know, I had a mental and emotional break down because of it, developed a severe phobia of germs. And the kicker is, he probably won't recognise that he's changing, and he might start to blame you and everyone else around him for all his woes (I know I did!). If he starts doing that, know that it isn't 'normal', it's just the steroids talking. Get him off them as quick as humanly possible.

Good luck to both of you!

All of you have been so great!!! Kayty, he is on a monthly steroid drip to control the symptoms. I will keep you posted on the side effects.
I appreciate the heads up!!!!

KJ92,
I agree with all of the above. The prep is not pleasant and can be embarassing, especially the first time you are around some one while going thru it. Akie is right, does he have a ride to and from the scope? You can always offer that, if he hasn't already made arrangements.

Do as much research as you can, but remember, every person is different. Just ask him to call you if he needs or just wants some company. The best thing you can do is be supportive and don't ask questions until he is ready to talk. Best wishes for you both,
Fraz