I've struggled with my sexuality for a long time, since I first entered high school. I started having sexual fantasies about women when I first learned what a lesbian was, in middle school. Before that I knew what a gay man was. My mother had a best friend who was gay, and I adored him. She explained to me what it meant to be gay when I was very young, and I grew up thinking that all men just decided whether or not they wanted to be with a man or a woman. It never occured to me that women could be gay as well. Of course, I know more about it now, like that it isn't a choice and all that...
I feel attracted to men (mostly older men). For example, in Sense and Sensibility, Alan Rickman makes me swoon.
But whenever I fantasize, it's about women. I can't achieve a climax if I'm thinking about men. The only time I really fantasize about men is when I'm thinking about two men being together. I don't like to watch porn where it's a man and a woman.
Sometimes I think I'm bi, sometimes I think I'm gay, sometimes I think I'm totally straight.
I already feel like an idiot just for posting these questions. Like I'm totally straight, and I should stop thinking about it. That happens whenever I bring it up to someone, but then within a few days, I'm doubtful all over again.
Lately I've been thinking about joining my college's gay, straight, bi alliance just to see what happens. Just to get some clarity.
I should add that I was sexually molested as a child, which probably adds to a great deal of this.
I have been with men before and enjoyed. I've never been with a woman.