hey rayan
i am glad that things worked out for you. it is good that you can be true to yourself. i hope that things contiune to work out for you,.

all i can say is that when i was getting tired of my family treating me like a girl i finnaly just snaped. i said mom i am not a girl and i never will be. and she, still to this day, is not accpeting of me. but i say i am who i am and i don't have to prove anything to anyone, except my love for amber, but that is different. well things are starting to work out, after i went to some woman clinics to prove to my mom that i have a swinger, yes i went to a womans clinic. well all i can say is that my family is fucked up.

well i know that is really not an anserw to your question about my first time, but in a way i still had to come out to my family and friends. but things are on there way to working out and i hope everyone else has a better time dealling with shit.
well
best of luck to all
jack

The first time I admitted it to myself was just recently, and I said it to myself over in the same way Ryan did, I'm gay, I'm gay, and it did feel natural. I've only come out to my male friend, no one else, and for the time being, I'm okay with that. When you get to be in your forties, you start not to give a s--t what anyone thinks. Although, I'm sure my father who's a fundamentalist Christian would have a thing or two to say about it. I don't believe gays go to hell. Many of them are already living in it now, but they'll be rewarded in the next life. (Blessed are the persecuted, for theirs will be the Kingdom, Matthew 5: 11-12)

Hey ryan.... I am still in the "am i really gay" phase of all this. I am attracted to women but have a b/f and a daughter... but the whole b/f thing doesnt feel natural to me. So anyways just wanted to tell you YOU HAVE MY SUPPORT!
Love hugs and cookies
Bethy

It was 2-3 years ago. I was walking along, on my way to a meeting, the sun was shining, and the snow was melting. It was a very bright, sparkly day. And I stopped to look up at the sky and I just wanted to stretch out my arms like I was hugging the whole world--because I was feeling so happy. I wasn't happy b/c I was thinking "hey, I'm gay", I was happy b/c I was thinking about this friend of mine, and how much I utterly loved her and felt loved by her. I thought about her constantly, had totally lost my appetite, and just felt so much joy every time I heard from her. She just happened to be a lesbian, and I was not, but as I was thinking about how much I loved her, I realized that--if it is the 'right woman' (i.e., her)--I would have no qualms at all about getting intimate.

And then my world suddenly and shockingly stopped for a moment...a moment that probably lasted another year.

Yes. I was confused. I didn't know what to make of my feelings at that point. I knew I wasn't simply a lesbian, b/c I truly loved my husband (including having sex with him). I wasn't so much worried and panicked that I might be gay--but I was suddenly worried and panicked that the feelings I was having meant I was unfaithful to my husband. I wanted to say, "no way, I am *not* gay!"--not b/c I thought anything was wrong with being gay--but because I thought that then I'd have license to be as close to my friend as I wanted, without anyone saying I was unfaithful. After all, if we are both women, and I am hetero, then there is nothing wrong with us being close, spending the night on a sleep over, etc.

I took the more difficult and more painful route for everyone though. I could not lie to myself and say that I had absolutely no sexual attraction at all for my friend. And my husband was feeling nervous about the relationship too, and I could not lie to him and tell him that he was just imagining things when, in fact, he wasn't 'just imagining' it. My husband and I had a lot of long talks that year. We were very honest with each other about how we felt about things.

He never told me that I needed to stop contact with the friend, and at first I did not stop contact, but I was very aware that I probably needed to treat her like I would treat any male friend that I cared about. Meaning, I needed to be honest with myself that the affair potential was there, and be aware of my boundaries. I felt scared because I had never had to do that before--I'd never needed any 'boundaries' with women b/c I'd never been attracted to them before. I felt like crying because I wondered if this was the end of my being close to anyone--male or female--other than my husband. I love my husband dearly, but need close friends too. And I wondered how I was going to manage the closeness if then I had to be afraid that it might be an "affair."

In the end my friend got pretty frustrated with me--but with some good reason. She knew that I wasn't getting close to her for some reason, and I wasn't 100% direct with her about my feelings for her. I did allude to my feelings, to which she responded, "So what? You are hetero!"

That did not make me feel like she was less of a threat to my marriage though. And it did not seem to be a very understanding thing to say.

And it was a bit difficult to argue with given that, at that time, I had had exactly one crush (on her) and absolutely no sex with women.

Since then, though, I've had some crushes on other women, and felt attracted to them, and so I feel confident that I'm bisexual. I've still never acted on those feelings, and do not want to. I actually cannot imagine meeting someone I'd love more than my husband (male or female)or that I'd want to be married to instead of him--the way in which he worked through this 'self-discovery' of mine with me just proved all the more to me that I chose right when I married him....

Wow that was really long. Sorry about that. I didnt realize how much I was rambling...

hey i asked the same thing i wanted to know why i was turned on by girls... and then i knew... i know how you feel... so yeah... Good luck with well life...