Just because we make bad choices, does not make us bad people. You echoed everything I feel in your post. I recently learned what codependency was and that I AM codependent. For me, the only way I am going to get past it is with help...this is not something I am going to fix by myself...I know me too well. Add that to my relationship ending less than a month ago...and I am a complete basket case! I feel like my life is over and I am not sure if that is because the relationship ended, or the person who used to say all the nice things about me is gone...I do not know the difference anymore. I used to be such a strong person, now its hard to get out of bed and do anything anymore.
(((((HUGS)))))

Hugs back to you. I have been where you are and even though I have bad days my days are so much better than they used to be and some days I actually have good days. Even now just after losing my grandmother who was my solace. So keep fighting there are brighter days ahead!

You will get to the point you are seeking one day, because you are doing therapy and other work to heal. When we have experienced trauma as a child, it affects our identity, self esteem, confidence, and sets us up for codependency, relationship addiction, and fear of abandonment. I have often felt the way you are feeling but it happens less and less now.

I had a similar experience recently with someone talking behind my back - it hurt, but not for long. I cope by focusing on the things that are more important than what others think of me - my kids, my partner, my health, my work. I don't have energy or space in my life to care about small stuff. Usually when people do this stuff it's more about them and their dysfunction than anything to do with me.

I also reflect on the fact that most people take gossip with a grain of salt - if someone gossips to me, it's a clear sign they are prepared to gossip about me. When they do this, it's actually really useful for me, because it shows me who to avoid and protect myself from. There are always plenty more fish in the sea.

Reminds me of an Oscar Wilde quote, "The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about." I have been in the same place during recovery from codependency. It took me a long time to not care what other people say. I am 59 now and have been recovering for 19 years. What I discovered was that I eventually became my own nurturing parent by saying affirmations and finding out who I am. I am a trauma survivor, an artist, and everything I see and hear affects me. I had to stop watching television in order to find me. Faith in a Higher Power saved my ass. You are young and are on a journey, we are where we are supposed to be. And you have insight. You will make it through. HoldOnToHope is correct. Part of recovery is recycling old feelings. This can throw us "off" but it doesn't mean that we are at the beginning again. Every loss needs to be grieved and that is hard, but necessary.xoxo

People pleasing - its a way to control others. You kill yourself being kind, good to them so they will like you in return. Been there done that. How do you break the cycle?

By learning to love/like yourself. By being your real self without worrying if people will like you. The people you so desparately want to impress are not the kinds of people you should be surrounding yourself with. Be your authentic self and other authentic selves will friend you. We attract what we put out.

Accepting the world "as it is." The past is gone in a flash. Ruminating, and obsessive thinking keeps us from living present moment lives.

The opposite side of flattery is hurt. Both hurt and flattery are the result of self centeredness. When someone flatters us, we feel "good." When someone "hurts" us, we feel bad.

The deluded mind sees "itself" as a "fixed identity." Read Gengo Koan.

A year ago when I joined here I was doing a lot, and I mean a lot of soul searching, and reading. Anything to get me out of my darkness. A phrase that came to me in one of my readings, and I wish I could remember who wrote it. It was ``what someone else thinks of me is none of my business``. A very profound statement, that I sat straight up and did a humph...........and I pondered and pondered on it. Then like a lightbulb it went off. What someone else `thinks` of us truly is not our concern. The biggest concern we must have, is what we ``think`` and feel about ourselves. It is through this concern and gong within, that we find our ``self`` and truth. I recommended on another post a book I found extremely helpful. Called The Mastery of Love by Don Miguel Ruiz. I highly recommend it for anyone in Co-Dependancy. It truly is healing. Wishing you the best. Hugs wmay

what others think of me is none of my business. also in another book that i just got so much out of- boundaries and relationships. maybe worrying so much about what others think is a way that we keep from looking at ourselves. if you dont like your self it seems better to not look at yourself to closely. or if we dont know who we are, its hard to decide what we want, especially if you throw in what others think or expect from us.

Like TimeBandit said (which is the one thing I consistently struggle with too) is that just because you've made a bad (or better put - wrong) choice, doesn't make you a bad person...It's that way with fault as well. Just because something doesn't work well for another or ends badly, doesn't mean your at fault. I struggle with this one daily, it's hard, and I wish you much luck working through it for your own mental well being. I don't know who I am anymore, I'm slowly figuring it out. Some days, I'm completely lost, and others - I'm raging and lashing out at those around me because I know what I want to do and can't...There is a balance, somewhere...I hope you get there peacefully. One day, I will be whole again :)