
Codependency Support Group
Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...

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The part that I don't understand about codependency is why I keep fooling myself that I am loved and liked by someone who is actually emotionally distant!
I am smart in lots of other areas, but when it comes to this I am really blind. I give myself excuses why the other is so emotionally unavailable, and how he will change in the future. I can build a whole fantasyworld around this. Just so that I can stay on this pink cloud! And really deep down I know it's wrong, but still I am able to fool myself. Even if I know the other person may not like me I think it's just due to some misconceptions that could be solved in the future.
Can anyone explain to me how this works?!
I am smart in lots of other areas, but when it comes to this I am really blind. I give myself excuses why the other is so emotionally unavailable, and how he will change in the future. I can build a whole fantasyworld around this. Just so that I can stay on this pink cloud! And really deep down I know it's wrong, but still I am able to fool myself. Even if I know the other person may not like me I think it's just due to some misconceptions that could be solved in the future.
Can anyone explain to me how this works?!
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Now I treat it as an addiction..which is it. I am actually counting the days that I can go without contacting him at all. No emails. No nothing. Its been over 2 months now and I have heard nothing from him.
Which screams volumes if you ask me. Like duh..
1) When we grow up with emotionally distant parents, that is what we learn that love is, and that is what we tend to attract, until and unless we are able to realize, emotionally, what is going on...and I think this one is particularly difficult to deal with for that very reason...because of the emotional distance to begin with, you are in a catch-22; you need the emotional connection to deal with it, yet the problem is, emotional distance.
2) Because of the hurt and pain, and in this case, lack of it because of the absence of something that we should have gotten and didn't. It is a lot easier to deal with overt abuse in this sense, because with "something" to face and deal with, at least there is an emotional connection with it. In this case, there is a void, and nothing to get a grip on.
This one is still hanging me up, but a good therapist who knows how to deal with it, can help you.
One thing one of them did, was help me give that "nothingness" a name, so at least there was some kind of a sense of something there, and not just nothing. I think we decided to name it "Thor". See if that helps you get started.
It's so strange when you finally realize that you've been fooling yourself, how you can make a 180 degree turn in the relationship with that person.
It's difficult for the other to understand, and also for yourself.
That, I think is the strangest part. I have been labelled unreliable sometimes by people, because of it. For radically changing my opinion about a relationship. And I dislike it very much if people see me as someone who doesn't know what she wants.
Often these love-avoidants come on very strong at first and want to enmesh with you, so you don't realize until they have you on the hook that their default mode is unavailable. They don't know what they're doing any better than we do.
ha!
what i have found that works for me is to give the love i expect to receive...that which i crave and chase....that which i pour out to others whether they are safe or not....
to take all that love, energy, effort and emotion and give it to myself!!!!!!
when we can see ourselves with love and humility and compassion. when we can forgive ourselves and accept that we are doing the best we can....
only then can we pass that acceptance on to others.
i see so much here on the board (most of us are love addicts) that slams and condemns love avoidants. like we are superior and just disgusted that someone couldn't love us back and what is wrong with THEM!!!
heh.
what i suggest is that something is wrong with us...and when we work on correcting that, sometimes the avoidant comes around.
my avoidant has come around...albeit slowly...but because there is no toxicity and for a variety of other reasons....i'm trying patience in this relationship, understanding...
i'm practicing allowing someone to be who they are. i'm not taking his need for space personally. really it has nothing to do with me.
when i focus on what i have rather than what i WANT (whether or not it is good for me) then i am peaceful and connected.
for love addicts/coD's we tend to think our way is superior, that relationships can be "all or nothing"....
that it can only be what we want it to be, to be happy.
but if we can see it for what it is and learn to grow and accept then we realize we can be happy no matter what our outer circumstances may be...happiness and love are a choice! not a compulsion!
i am continuously inspired by the folks in my al anon meeting who live peacefully with those in active addictions.
detachment and focus on self.
like noone said, they hardly know what they are doing themselves.....avoidants have pain and issues just like we do....
sorry, i got too preachy here.
(((((((((hugs))))))))))
Somehow I confuse this peaceful state with powerlessness and I can feel a rage against this coming up from very deep inside of me!....it's sooooooo difficult!
nothing changes until WE change ourselves. then, it's like we are living on a different planet.
the great thing is you can do it!!!!