I have had this problem myself. I have maintained contact with an ex lover for 7 years in hopes that he will 'love me again'...when he reality, I don't think he really loved me in the first place. I have gotten very little contact back and he has outright told me many times that he will never touch me again...let alone have me feelings for me.

Now I treat it as an addiction..which is it. I am actually counting the days that I can go without contacting him at all. No emails. No nothing. Its been over 2 months now and I have heard nothing from him.

Which screams volumes if you ask me. Like duh..

I think it has a lot to do with two things, that I know of:

1) When we grow up with emotionally distant parents, that is what we learn that love is, and that is what we tend to attract, until and unless we are able to realize, emotionally, what is going on...and I think this one is particularly difficult to deal with for that very reason...because of the emotional distance to begin with, you are in a catch-22; you need the emotional connection to deal with it, yet the problem is, emotional distance.

2) Because of the hurt and pain, and in this case, lack of it because of the absence of something that we should have gotten and didn't. It is a lot easier to deal with overt abuse in this sense, because with "something" to face and deal with, at least there is an emotional connection with it. In this case, there is a void, and nothing to get a grip on.

This one is still hanging me up, but a good therapist who knows how to deal with it, can help you.

One thing one of them did, was help me give that "nothingness" a name, so at least there was some kind of a sense of something there, and not just nothing. I think we decided to name it "Thor". See if that helps you get started.

Thank you for your answers.
It's so strange when you finally realize that you've been fooling yourself, how you can make a 180 degree turn in the relationship with that person.
It's difficult for the other to understand, and also for yourself.
That, I think is the strangest part. I have been labelled unreliable sometimes by people, because of it. For radically changing my opinion about a relationship. And I dislike it very much if people see me as someone who doesn't know what she wants.

I agree with what has been said. And that we unconsciously seek emotionally unavailable people to try to the heal the childhood wound, to make it turn out differently this time.

Often these love-avoidants come on very strong at first and want to enmesh with you, so you don't realize until they have you on the hook that their default mode is unavailable. They don't know what they're doing any better than we do.

NoOne...I agree with you 100%. What you said, describes the exact picture of my life and how I got to where I am now. I was that wounded child.

well, at the risk of sounding like some drugged out hippie....
ha!
what i have found that works for me is to give the love i expect to receive...that which i crave and chase....that which i pour out to others whether they are safe or not....

to take all that love, energy, effort and emotion and give it to myself!!!!!!

when we can see ourselves with love and humility and compassion. when we can forgive ourselves and accept that we are doing the best we can....
only then can we pass that acceptance on to others.

i see so much here on the board (most of us are love addicts) that slams and condemns love avoidants. like we are superior and just disgusted that someone couldn't love us back and what is wrong with THEM!!!
heh.
what i suggest is that something is wrong with us...and when we work on correcting that, sometimes the avoidant comes around.

my avoidant has come around...albeit slowly...but because there is no toxicity and for a variety of other reasons....i'm trying patience in this relationship, understanding...

i'm practicing allowing someone to be who they are. i'm not taking his need for space personally. really it has nothing to do with me.

when i focus on what i have rather than what i WANT (whether or not it is good for me) then i am peaceful and connected.

for love addicts/coD's we tend to think our way is superior, that relationships can be "all or nothing"....
that it can only be what we want it to be, to be happy.

but if we can see it for what it is and learn to grow and accept then we realize we can be happy no matter what our outer circumstances may be...happiness and love are a choice! not a compulsion!

i am continuously inspired by the folks in my al anon meeting who live peacefully with those in active addictions.

detachment and focus on self.

like noone said, they hardly know what they are doing themselves.....avoidants have pain and issues just like we do....
sorry, i got too preachy here.
(((((((((hugs))))))))))

hi afloat, I know it's so good to let people be who they are and focus on what you have, rather than on what you want...but I just can't!
Somehow I confuse this peaceful state with powerlessness and I can feel a rage against this coming up from very deep inside of me!....it's sooooooo difficult!

I have the same issue. I know it sucks, I am smart except when it comes to relationships and men. I have learned just not to trust them at all. Thats how I protect myself from getting hurt over and over. I have had a lifetime of hurt and its not worth it to me anymore.

You can make yourself believe anything you want, and you want to believe that this person will change more than you want to believe that you deserve better. I agree with NoOneLeft that we are attracted to those we think will help to heal our own past. It is not so much understanding how it works that matters, but how you can do it differently, break the cycle. You are a smart person, you know "how this works". Give yourself credit, trust your insight, and talk the talk...

Afloat, you give me hope. Thank you.

I cannot tell you how desperately i have the same problem. I got this notion in my head and was unable to let it go, and now my whole world is a mess.

attending al anon gave me the courage to change. i am grateful.

nothing changes until WE change ourselves. then, it's like we are living on a different planet.

the great thing is you can do it!!!!

I too have lived in a fantasy world with someone who is unavailable. I know they have pain and hurt and I just keep thinking that some day it will all be different. I feel it does have to do with unresolved issues from both our pasts. I don't have the answer or any wonderful advice. But I certainly understand how you feel. Sometimes I think it is because I want to live in a fantasy world and not face reality.

Hi JeanR, maybe for me it's more difficult to just daydream and be content with that. Daydreaming about unfulfilled wishes and how my future should look like, are urged into more concrete plans very quickly. Otherwise I would have the feeling I don't hold my life in my hands. My daydreaming has a very compulsive and controlling undertone, I'm afraid!