Before I meet my husband I was 25, a single parent, full time college student and managed a call center. I was completely fine with the life I lived as I had lost hope of ever finding love. Then I met my husband. I was shocked that he even noticed me as we meet on one of my worst days ever. We dated for a year and a half before getting married and everything seemed fine.
My marriage was complicated from the beginning....my husband and I both had 3 kids each before we married in 2010. We had a son together in 2011. At this time we had 7 kids’ ages: 12, 12, 11, 10, 9, 8 and new born. I was 27 and my husband was 36. He was the youth pastor of our church and we did nothing but work and go to church. We had never been on a vacation, we didn’t even go on a honeymoon. I was the bread winner of our family. Our kids didn't get along at first once they started getting along my husband and I were falling apart. My husband and I lived like roommates that slept in the same bed and had sex occasionally (which felt like part of my job). He wasn’t emotionally supportive at all. I could understand how the youth pastor of our church didn't have a personal relationship with his step kids. We didn't spend holidays together. I went to my parents’ house and he went to his family's events. I would sometimes show up to their gatherings hoping that he returned the favor but he didn’t. My 14 year old son is "the star" of his football team. His first game of his 7th grade year his team brought home a victory 28-0. My son scored all 4 touchdowns and only carried the ball 5 times 2 of them was on 4th down. In the almost 7 years we had been married my husband had not been to one game. When I would ask him why his response would always be "because I am not his father".
About 2 years into the married my brother in law had lost his car. It was a really nice Mercedes-Benz. He needed to ride to work with me for about a week. On that Friday when I picked him up he had asked me to stop by this gas station if I wasn't in a hurry. He told me about the slot machines. I told him I didn't have cash to play. He said he would cover me. He gave me $20 and by my third spin I hit $500. It never donned on me to question how his car got repossessed and he made twice as much as I did and live in a very small affordable house alone. I started playing on my own. I managed a business so I had an excuse for being home 1-2 hours later that normal. I seen that I was losing more than winning but stopping wasn’t easy. It made me happy. Nothing else was right at the time. Later, I meet a friend who was into couponing. Soon my gambling habit turned into an extreme couponing habit. It was way more beneficial for my family and it involved the kids.
I started a new job in September of 2015 I meet a guy at my job and ended up having an affair. I couldn’t understand how somebody could be so concerned about me and how I felt and my husband couldn’t care any less. My husband didn’t eat if I didn’t fix his plate. I guess as a wife that was part of my job. The affair didn’t last very long when he seen that I had no intentions on leaving my husband. Months later I told my husband about it. At first I told my husband because I thought he would leave as I didn’t want to walk away from everything that I had worked for. I didn’t want a divorce I wanted a break. Between him and my kids I felt like I was being pulled in 1 million different directions trying to make sure everybody was happy except myself.
My husband didn’t leave he used it to torment me. He was more worried about who knew about it than the fact that it actually happened. Sometimes he would keep me up all night asking questions. I decided that we should go to counselling. My husband wanted counsel from out church I didn’t because I didn’t want everybody in our business. I started going to counselling by myself because he refused. I went for 6 months. About 3 months in I started gambling just to get out of the house. I'm in Texas so there are no casinos here. I mostly gamble in local convenient stores. You know the ones that say "they pay store credit only".
Things really took a turn for the worse the next three months. My oldest daughter was graduating high school. Her father who had been in prison for 12 years was getting out soon. He was my very first high school love the person I lost my virginity to. We started out having conversations over the phone. That led to a couple of prison visits as he wanted to see his daughter. My daughter wanted to see him. My husband wasn’t close to my kids so she never really had a father she was close to. The gambling continued I was losing falling behind on bills. I started blaming my husband…as I was paying most of the bills and he refused to do anything extra when he seen we were falling. I was wrong because I was gambling but he didn’t know. I wanted help and I needed help but he was the last person I could tell or talk to about it. I got closer and closer to my daughters father in jail. He was really emotionally supportive (of course you will say anything from inside a jail cell) and I never told him about the gambling. We had decided that we were still in love and would try it one more time. At the time I felt like He gave me everything my husband didn’t and I couldn’t even physically touch him. This was also my chance to run away from the financial ruin I had caused and nobody would know.
I left my husband, the house and everything I owned. Took the kids, my clothes and left. It was about two months before his release date. I started working a second job to get and furnish an apartment. During this time I didn’t gamble at all. He got out and we were together for 1 week before he strayed away. I didn’t really come out of the house trying to process what was happening and I didn’t want my family to know. A couple of months later he started coming back around and I was happy again. This lasted for about a month and a half. Then I found out that he was living a double life with me and with a women who had worked as a guard in the prison had had just been released from. I called him out on it and he denied everything. What he didn’t know was technology had changed a lot in the last 12 years & I could find out anything. I looked the other lady up on Facebook and messaged her. She told me that they had been together for almost a year. He had only been out of jail for 4 months and I had been with him every day for the last month or so. After looking at her profile I noticed that she have just left a job as a jailer at the same prison I had visited him at. When I confronted him with her messages he was angry that I had contacted her. He told me that he loved the both of us but she has his heart. I haven’t seen him since that day…as he told me he had to go fix what I was trying to ruin. We are from two small towns near each other I don’t associate with many people. Everybody knew and eventually it got back to my husband. I was embarrassed. I felt like I had let my daughter and other kids down.
I couldn't deal with everything that was going on. I started secretly smoking weed. My husband then tried to get custody of my youngest son. I didn't know why. Besides the gambling that nobody knew about I was a good mother. He said it was because I ruined our family. At that point I stopped smoking weed because there was no way I was going to lose my son by failing a drug test... My attorney was asking for too much money. I let the apartment go and moved back in with my parents. Paid my attorney but it seemed like after speaking with my husband's attorney he was on their side. Very rude and short with me. Only wanted to talk about money...I felt like there was no way I would get to keep my son.
I started gambling again. Sure enough I was reeled in as I spent $20 and won $4200 on that first day and was broke within 3 days. I called in on payday once drove to Oklahoma. Which was two hours away with an expired driver’s license and insurance, lost my entire check. I had to ask my sister to send me money to get home...telling her I went to visit a friend and lost my debit card. That was a couple of months ago. My car got repossessed on 12/30. One week later my daughter’s car got repossessed. I had to borrow money from a friend to pay on my storage unit. My car was the only thing I had left from when I left my husband. I was able to get another car that my daughter and I now share which is hard with our conflicting work schedules.
Everybody thinks that I'm just down on hard times with bad luck with an expensive attorney. The truth is I have a very good job, I'm very depressed and very irresponsible!!! My husband helped me get back and forward to work for a week when I didn't have a car. He mostly wanted to talk about getting back together instead of finalizing the divorce. I know he is financially struggling and needs my help. He will eventually figure “things” out and if so I can forget about getting my son. If I'm not with him he wants me to suffer.
I remember seeing a movie on LifeTime several years ago called “Going for Broke” I really understand the movie now more than ever.
Ive already poseted this to the rape support group. I kust want to share my story. Im ready toI’m going to take you back. No not to the beginning, but to the nights that will haunt me forever. Night 1: October 13, 2014. My 19th birthday, the night my whole life changed. Now this isn’t easy to write and I’m going to get in to major details. My birthday, I had to work that night at steak n...
Sometimes i honestly hate writing on here. I hate asking for help, and when i write here i feel like im just wasting your time.im sorry, for that.I was referred this site, off a suicide chat, actually. I don't wanna go back there, but lately ive just felt so horrible.i can't find a purpose for my self, for why i live, and breathe. I feel like i don't make a good impact.im a lot younger than...