I noticed myself always calling my brother or friends when my husband and I were arguing. I would get angry when my brother would either defend my husband's side or tell me I was being ridiculous. He didn't always do it but I noticed that I was really only calling these people for validation.
I have come to realize with time that if I'm mad, I'm entitled no matter what the situation is. It's what I do as a reaction that I seek advice for now because of my crazy codependent ways!

I used to seek validation from my friends or family quite a bit. I was always questioning what I felt, and had convinced myself that what I thought and felt did not matter.
Now I am at the point where I do not need to seek validation, and I have run into situations where I know I am right, or that something is true, and the person I am dealing with would rather pretend that it didn't happen, or in most cases just completely ignore what I am talking about, and change the subject.
Lately I have gone through a process where I tell myself that if this is how I feel then it is how I feel. I do not need someone to validate it. But I also have my own checks and balances to ensure that what I am feeling is not something that was derived from my codependant tendancies.

A wierd process to say the least but I am finding that it works. I also try to remember that in most cases when dealing with other people, we choose to feel the way we do, no one makes us feel "any" way. Our choices are usually based on our initial automatic reaction. Most of the time that reaction is based on our past, and how we have trained ourselves to react.

The one thing that I do now that is different from before is when I am feeling "something" and I express it, I do not accept anything or anyone who tries to invalidate it. If anything it makes me much more agressive to express the emotion(s), in spite of what the other person says.

So if I were to answer your last question as to why it isn't okay to feel what you feel and express it, I would say umm.. yeah it is ok to feel what you feel, and you have the right to express it. How else are we to deal with all of this?

Just my opinion...

hell yeah. that is coD too.
i was thinking last night that i wanted my bf to validate me. (see my journal).
it's likely that we weren't validated in childhood. we were told how to feel or how not to feel or not to feel. others always did our emotional work so we don't know how to deal with it. therefore we focus on others to take our own issues off the table. it's just easier when it is not ourselves we have to look at.
it is definitely okay to feel what we feel and express it, but we must do it with love. we must find a way. that is why we need to sit with something and allow a peaceful response to develop before we just react and blow it all to hell.
darling, you are so right where i was when i started. i see so much of myself in you.
i will say what was said to me (that i eventually came to understand)
everything is unfolding in a perfect way for you. you are right where you need to be.
feeling what you feel, thinking what you think, it is all part of a process. it is predictable, almost, in recovery.
i went through some black days, tough days, but it gets better. it really does.
the only way out of this muck is to go straight through it, experience it and move forward.
truly i tell you.
take a deep breath and resolve to be patient, loving and kind.
the words and thoughts that are in our minds influence our actions.
i wish the best for you!
when we can get out of our own way there is a feeling of peace that is a pearl beyond price---wisdom.
but it don't come easy, it don't come soon and it don't come cheap.
but if you are willing to work for it, it comes!!!!
((((((((((huge hugs))))))))))
love, light and strength!

MMMWWWAAAHHH.

Depends on what the payoff/benefit is? Somethings aren't worth the energy. I might suggest buying the book, "how to win friends and influence people" This book is very old but contains so much wisdom about communication and relationships.

One of the reasons I dont know what I want or feel is because I have spent all of my life listening to folks tell me what I want or how I should feel.

yes, that is at the root of codependency. others telling us how to think or feel or not think or feel. we grow up unable to feel, much less ask for what we need, or feel we have needs.
i'm with ya!
blessings.

When I read stuff about CoD and saw the term validation, I always thought that was one of the symptoms that I just didn't have a problem with.

LOLOLOLOL

Okay, I was in denial. I called mine justification. I had to prove I was right...always right. It finally hit home that I could give up being right and just do my best to do the right thing.

I also had a problem with people ignoring stuff going on...other people's denial totally drove me crazy. When someone was doing things to harm me, I wanted to confront them...express my feelings. I would become enraged that someone could do something and in the next breath act and say that they'd never done that particular thing to me. Drove me crazy! And they'd be nice...and I'm thinking that it was very dishonest and if I played along and was nice...if I witheld my feelings that I would be dishonest, too.

It would feel like there was this giant pink elephant in the room and I wanted everyone to admit that it was there, you know?

Sometimes we can't get justice in this world...we can't get validation from others. Sometimes the only thing to do to save ourselves is to show mercy to others...and I realized that letting it go...smoothing something over...is an act of mercy.

Sometimes you have to stand up for yourself. Sometimes you have to let it go. I'm still trying to figure out which are which.

Wow-yes indeed and I continue to try to understand it or how the hell to operate appropriately in it. I call it "people pleasing or approval addiction". The one who will run around and do and do and do, and yet ignore her own needs, only to finally bit hit in the face with a big *splat* from those that were done for, usually in a most ungrateful manner and it really hurts. Joyce Meyer has some really great material on this subject and is so funny yet personal, in her delivery. www.joycemeyer.org

I'm still learning that its okay to want other's approval
or validation if the motive is pure. And as I read above in another response, trying to figure out "what's my payoff in this?" Do I really need another human beings approval for this circumstance or situation? Are you going to Coda meetings? I like them when I get a chance to go, but my schedule lately has just been obnoxious and so out of wack. I don't know what I'd do without you all here. *hugs*

i notice that very few people communicate in a relational way, so helpful, caring interaction is pretty much nonexistant in the world.

Thank you everyone for what you have offered here...

Vranka...'hit the nail on the head'...for me. That is exactly how I think/feel...

ditto maia. it is that judicious and wise expression of feelings that improves our lives. it takes a while to get the balance and it is constantly changing. but as long as we understand and try, that's all that really matters!
love to you!

Oh...definitely!! I used to look to my ex to validate me, and sometimes when my lower self takes control, I knee jerk at him expecting he's going to respond to my crazy with validation! I have to say that the episodes have become less and less...and it doesn't feel good when it's happening. I guess what I'm trying to say is keep working it and you're going to see it happening less and less...and you will learn to validate yourself, not needing outside validation! You have the power to make things ok with you...it just takes some practice. But look, here's you right now recognizing that! And I love Afloat's response...she is so insightful and full of light...and her words make a lot of sense. Just know, you are not the only one feeling this way, I know that helps me a lot...and that you will get through it too! Much love and BIG HUGS!!