Codependency Support Group
Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...
I haven't been around ( well reading a bit .. but not posting ) for a little while .
and I thought I'd fill you guys in on whats been happening in my corner of the world..
I don't know If I posted about him admitting to cheating on me numerous times in the four years we were together ? Well someone gave me a tip , and I confronted him , and then demanded ( and I do mean demanded ........ I just would NOT let up ) and he spilled , well leaked for days until most of the jist of the ugly truth came out , he has cheated on me w/scanks from bars , he says he doesn't even know names , just drunken' one night stands , and this recent seperation he left the bar with this girl ( I have seen her , she is 42 he is 28 , and she is a little older looking but hot looking :-( , she takes home a different guy each weekend from the local tavern ) , anyways he admitted to leaving w/her with expectations that something more would happen but claims it didn't , won't tell me why it didn't happen though . I don't really believe him .
At first I cried and cried and cried , and then I just went numb , he was nice and comforting and put up with all my crying and calling him names , and saying he was disgusting and scum , and somehow I turned to him for comfort . I am /was so confused and hurt , I just wanted to pull him closer and try to fix it all , and maybe make pretend it never happened .
But the reality of what he did , the act of betrayal , makes my stomach sick and makes me see red on a daily basis !
We had been seperated, but stangely enough I took him BACK , AFTER this ..... I thought it would make me be able to finally turn my head to him ,but it was the opposite , I am so confused in myself ....
So he has been staying back here , they just found someone this week to take over the rent at the cottage he was renting, so even though I made him promise that if we were to work on our relationship and if there were to be any forgiveness or second tries than he would start making some physical action first , well his name has been on a waiting list for months for a local t herapist office... I told him he should call and push it along , and he hasn't bothered , I told him he should be working his steps in AA / NA , at least on a support board or his book , but he hasn't , I told him not to accept the prescription , but he did , I told him no drinking while we sort this out , and he already is all the time , I told him no name calling ... he already has , he also has poked me in the head really hard while yelling at me during an argument to get it thru my thick head ... , he also drew his fist back at me in a motion to haul off and punch me , but then walked away ..... , he is already telling me he's sick of hearing it when I bring up my feelings about the cheating acting like he doesn't deserve to be taunted w/it , omg , I could just go on and on with all the ways he has already crossed all of the boundries I tried to set . I feel like I am so weak in character for not enforcing my boundries and values , I want to , but I am so tired of throwing him out only to end up crying for him back , I think that makes me feel lower than the putting up with his abuse . Each time I break it off and hold true to my boundries only to take him back when nothing changed is making me lose faith in myself, in who I am . I seem to have no backbone anymore , what the hell is the matter with me ? I just feel so powerless and out of control.
So now since I take him back,
Heres the twist .... he was being great , like a changed man ... but then on Friday he went and had his wisdom teeth pulled , and they gave him a prescription for vicoden ( sp? ) and he has been acting HORRIBLE and abusive ever since . He has been off the charts moody , he has been mean to me , both of my kids were sick, and I own a home business which I am very b usy with ( trying to add on to my kennel myself , and put up fencing , and take care of the dogs with a 19 month old ) he is swearing at me , critizing me , saying whats my problem , why is the house a wreck , complaining about me hanging the laundry in the dining room where the woodstove is because I am trying to save money by not using the dryer so often and also so that I can catch up on the laundry seems How I can wash 2 loads to one dryer load . He complains after I have a beautiful meal on the table for 2 weeks straight because for a couple of nights I didn't get dinner done til like 8 :30 because the baby was whining and sick and I had only one arm to cook with ( baby in the other ) and I was outside from noon til 6:45 pm working on fencing and stuff that needs to be done before snow , he bitched and threw guilt trips at me for things being off course and khaotic . He made the p ressure so intense .. baby crying , him giving me dirty looks , and when I'd try to explain , he'd argue about my reasons and be unsupportive , basically accusing me of just being lazy or whatever .
I know this is getting long , sorry ...
there is just so much crap he slung at me , and I am so upset . I just don't know why I am putting up with it . Its my house , I know its bad for my kids and for me . I know I'd be better off without this dysfunction , but I feel so stuck for some reason . I feel paralyzed to move on from this relationship . Its one of the very worst . I really think he has a mental illness .
Tonight he was just acting so strange and mean , and we had been arguing and I was trying to cook , and he came behind me and was standing with a pot , I had my hands in the sink and baby holding on to my pant legs crying , and when I turned my head he just looked like he was going to knock me w/the pan , ... I asked him what he was going to do with the pan , and he didn't answer , just stood there, I got nervous , and for a second thought was he going to h it me over the head when I turn ? So I said " what were you going to hit me with that " and he actually smirked , like he thought it was funny to scare me ... then wouldn't answer me for a minute more ... finally he said " just move I'm trying to get water to put in the kettle on the woodstove "
Why WHy why !!!!! do I want to live like this ???
I keep thinking of how different my life could be if I was sharing it with a man that had healthy values , and could be loving and supportive and trustworthy ( or do they even make ones like that anymore,.... I seem to not be able to find one like that , but I know others who have good husbands like that ) .
I dunno , I know this turned out ridiculously long , it always does , I thank those of you who made it to here in my post . I just needed to get it out . If anyone has any words of wisdom , can relate , or has advice for my situation , feel free. .. I am always open to thoughts ......
and I thought I'd fill you guys in on whats been happening in my corner of the world..
I don't know If I posted about him admitting to cheating on me numerous times in the four years we were together ? Well someone gave me a tip , and I confronted him , and then demanded ( and I do mean demanded ........ I just would NOT let up ) and he spilled , well leaked for days until most of the jist of the ugly truth came out , he has cheated on me w/scanks from bars , he says he doesn't even know names , just drunken' one night stands , and this recent seperation he left the bar with this girl ( I have seen her , she is 42 he is 28 , and she is a little older looking but hot looking :-( , she takes home a different guy each weekend from the local tavern ) , anyways he admitted to leaving w/her with expectations that something more would happen but claims it didn't , won't tell me why it didn't happen though . I don't really believe him .
At first I cried and cried and cried , and then I just went numb , he was nice and comforting and put up with all my crying and calling him names , and saying he was disgusting and scum , and somehow I turned to him for comfort . I am /was so confused and hurt , I just wanted to pull him closer and try to fix it all , and maybe make pretend it never happened .
But the reality of what he did , the act of betrayal , makes my stomach sick and makes me see red on a daily basis !
We had been seperated, but stangely enough I took him BACK , AFTER this ..... I thought it would make me be able to finally turn my head to him ,but it was the opposite , I am so confused in myself ....
So he has been staying back here , they just found someone this week to take over the rent at the cottage he was renting, so even though I made him promise that if we were to work on our relationship and if there were to be any forgiveness or second tries than he would start making some physical action first , well his name has been on a waiting list for months for a local t herapist office... I told him he should call and push it along , and he hasn't bothered , I told him he should be working his steps in AA / NA , at least on a support board or his book , but he hasn't , I told him not to accept the prescription , but he did , I told him no drinking while we sort this out , and he already is all the time , I told him no name calling ... he already has , he also has poked me in the head really hard while yelling at me during an argument to get it thru my thick head ... , he also drew his fist back at me in a motion to haul off and punch me , but then walked away ..... , he is already telling me he's sick of hearing it when I bring up my feelings about the cheating acting like he doesn't deserve to be taunted w/it , omg , I could just go on and on with all the ways he has already crossed all of the boundries I tried to set . I feel like I am so weak in character for not enforcing my boundries and values , I want to , but I am so tired of throwing him out only to end up crying for him back , I think that makes me feel lower than the putting up with his abuse . Each time I break it off and hold true to my boundries only to take him back when nothing changed is making me lose faith in myself, in who I am . I seem to have no backbone anymore , what the hell is the matter with me ? I just feel so powerless and out of control.
So now since I take him back,
Heres the twist .... he was being great , like a changed man ... but then on Friday he went and had his wisdom teeth pulled , and they gave him a prescription for vicoden ( sp? ) and he has been acting HORRIBLE and abusive ever since . He has been off the charts moody , he has been mean to me , both of my kids were sick, and I own a home business which I am very b usy with ( trying to add on to my kennel myself , and put up fencing , and take care of the dogs with a 19 month old ) he is swearing at me , critizing me , saying whats my problem , why is the house a wreck , complaining about me hanging the laundry in the dining room where the woodstove is because I am trying to save money by not using the dryer so often and also so that I can catch up on the laundry seems How I can wash 2 loads to one dryer load . He complains after I have a beautiful meal on the table for 2 weeks straight because for a couple of nights I didn't get dinner done til like 8 :30 because the baby was whining and sick and I had only one arm to cook with ( baby in the other ) and I was outside from noon til 6:45 pm working on fencing and stuff that needs to be done before snow , he bitched and threw guilt trips at me for things being off course and khaotic . He made the p ressure so intense .. baby crying , him giving me dirty looks , and when I'd try to explain , he'd argue about my reasons and be unsupportive , basically accusing me of just being lazy or whatever .
I know this is getting long , sorry ...
there is just so much crap he slung at me , and I am so upset . I just don't know why I am putting up with it . Its my house , I know its bad for my kids and for me . I know I'd be better off without this dysfunction , but I feel so stuck for some reason . I feel paralyzed to move on from this relationship . Its one of the very worst . I really think he has a mental illness .
Tonight he was just acting so strange and mean , and we had been arguing and I was trying to cook , and he came behind me and was standing with a pot , I had my hands in the sink and baby holding on to my pant legs crying , and when I turned my head he just looked like he was going to knock me w/the pan , ... I asked him what he was going to do with the pan , and he didn't answer , just stood there, I got nervous , and for a second thought was he going to h it me over the head when I turn ? So I said " what were you going to hit me with that " and he actually smirked , like he thought it was funny to scare me ... then wouldn't answer me for a minute more ... finally he said " just move I'm trying to get water to put in the kettle on the woodstove "
Why WHy why !!!!! do I want to live like this ???
I keep thinking of how different my life could be if I was sharing it with a man that had healthy values , and could be loving and supportive and trustworthy ( or do they even make ones like that anymore,.... I seem to not be able to find one like that , but I know others who have good husbands like that ) .
I dunno , I know this turned out ridiculously long , it always does , I thank those of you who made it to here in my post . I just needed to get it out . If anyone has any words of wisdom , can relate , or has advice for my situation , feel free. .. I am always open to thoughts ......
deleted_user
Yeah I relate. I didn't read your ENTIRE novel but I did read the first part about the bar skanks LOL Once I caught my ex with one of those. He picked me up in a cab, from the airport and we went to his favorite bar. Well, this woman was leering at us and she rubbed up against me (wtf) then we went back to his hotel room. He admitted he'd been with her, there was still a tissue in the trash with her lipstick on it from earlier when she blew him. Sick. He convinced me not to leave him. I forgave like a dummy. But I'm out of it now I've been out of it since August. Good luck and you can get out just make the decision and stick to it!
deleted_user
I completely relate to the part about setting boundaries and expectations and then taking him back after he crosses them. I did that ALL the time with my ex. He treated me like crap and I had enough self-respect to say 'this is not okay', but was then too afraid to be alone after he crossed the line time and time again. Even now, after we have broken up and I told him I needed space to move on... I am still calling him and changing my mind. One thing that I'm trying is setting a small goal and am sticking to it (I am not going to call him for a week). I realize it may sound stupid, but its helping me build up my confidence to know I can stick to the boundaries I draw.
deleted_user
That sounds absolutely horrible NewRain, it disgusts me that a man would treat you or anyone else like that. My mum was abused like this by my dad who was an alcoholic, for years. She then split up with him and two years later, when i was 13, she met someone even worse. This guy abused her in many of the ways you described for 2 years, as I watched. It gradually got worse and worse and she didn't have the strength to get out, even though she knew how much my sister and I hated this guy, and he was making all our lives more miserable that you could imagine. On the last day I had my friend from school round and he started punching my mum in the kitchen, my friend could hear, and i was so embarrassed that someone found out what was going on in our house, and so angry with him that I lifted my hockey stick and went into the kitchen with it, I didn't have the courage to hit him with it though and he lifted me by the arm and threw me out of the house, and that was the last straw, I told everyone about him, I told my dad and my family, and they came to our rescue and took us away. I still hate that man and I hate how I had to grow up watching my mum and dad fighting. I have a lot of issues now and think about it every day. If you can't get out of an abusive relationship for the good of your own health then think about your child. You sound like an amazing person, you do so much every day that you should be proud of, I know I would be proud of taking care of a child and running my own business as well as a household. You are worth so much more than what you are getting right now hun.
jimmysquirrel
get to alanon... now!
deleted_user
Yes, I can definitely relate to the cheating and the lying and the disrespect. I still find myself falling back into his games, even two years after we've been apart. Somehow, I always manage to get myself back into his ugly claws. Right now he's seeing someone, and it pisses me off that I care. I shouldn't care, I don't want him. I KNOW I don't want him, but I still hate that feeling of being alone. It's hard, but eventually, the awful feeling of being alone is still better than being with an addict who treated me like shit. I can deal with the emotional hurt that I feel now much better than the emotional, physical and mental pain I went through with him. Ugh! It was awful. It was a difficult decision to leave, it's not easy. But in the long run, it's the best thing you can do for yourself. Yes, you will still go through emotions (I am on a "down" right now) but with support like this and by doing for YOU it does get better. You are the better person and eventually you will be able to let that better person come out and shine no matter what! Take care and stay strong!
deleted_user
He is going to kill you,, get him out now,, I don't care if he doesn't have a plaace to go,, he is Psycho!
deleted_user
Hey, I read it ALL. You're really having it rough right now. I had an abusive husband once when I had VERY low self esteem (that's when we attract these people-like attracts like). Oh my gosh, what an awful part of my life. I would suggest that you think of ways to work on yourself and DO NOT let him bring you down. It will be a difficult task--I WARN YOU. He obviously doesn't feel good about himself and wants you in the same boat. Sometimes being aloneis better than being with someone who is abusive--not necessarily physical either. Ask for guidance from your Higher Power. Tell Him/Her what's going on and what you need. Answers will come!
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