I know this is an old thread, but continuing to take back power and wanted to comment on it.

My sweetie is wonderful...but I'm beginning to realize that my codependant behavior trained him to expect certain things from me...totally not healthy.

Took some more control back. At first it was ugly because he instinctually fought it...it was a change, you know?

But I feel good, because I stood up for myself. I always let him make the decisions about the physical stuff...always deferring to him. So I was upset because I tried to stand up for my rights and he dismissed me. Then he tried to be all touchy feely with me in church when he knows I won't slap him or pull away. I was pissed!

I've decided that if I don't feel like it...then I don't feel like it...even if it's hand holding. He can say no, but I can't? What's up with that?

So I wrote him a note in church telling him it wasn't fair or just that he take advantage of the situation, knowing I wouldn't cause a scene. His excuse? HE wanted to hold me.

I told him that it wasn't fair or just that he was the one, and only one, to decide the when, how, and type of affection that we had. I said he was being unjust in not giving the same weight to my wants and needs as himself!!!!!!!!!!!!! And I told him that it was unrighteous to force me to do anything...even hand holding.

He acted like I slapped him.

Good. :)

And before that he broke promises...once telling me that he didn't know what I wanted...I didn't make myself clear enough...and then the next that he didn't believe me (even though he literally shook on it...a couple of times on different days). I wouldn't let him put it off on me...I stood up for myself.

The man has to earn my trust back. I will not allow double standards!

I feel like Kathy Bates in "Fried Green Tomatoes".

Tawanda!!!!

Maia-the guilt in thinking that you "should" have to give more attention to his problems is where we tend to stagnate, I think. Ever heard that song by Jodee Maceena, "My give a damn is busted". Literally, teaching people how to treat us means that others might be uncomfortable in trying to figure that out for themselves. I imagine most of us weren't all that comfortable our first days of kindergarden, college or through other other life changing events... but we managed to learn how to cope approriately. I doubt our parents or teachers felt much guilt about teaching us how to operate in it's demands either? It's a re-learning, stage--how to care without allowing yourself to be neglected and mistreated is the key. *hugs*

the struggle continues to keep in this 'self power' place...
my hubs is nearing the 'two week' deadline, if you will, to obtain payment or file a complaint against this company (4 or 5th in memory) that 'refuses' to pay him what he is owed, or admit that there was no work done to be paid for...tick tock.
this burdens me; in a state where i'm letting go, and living more often we are happy but then there are 'these things' that i know in my heart, mind, body and soul that i can not accept or live 'with' the lie that will seperate us offcially...unless he owns it. and then here it is two weeks after receiving a letter from his lawyer stating his was already past due his 45 day deadline on wrapping up the bankruptcy...he still hasn't completed what was necessary to complete. He knows that if he does not complete this successfully, again, we are looking at permanent seperation...i don't understan? And my weekly battle over receipts continues...i can't offer any more accomodation that i already have...he'll have to get it, or i'll have to seperate.
is this a sign of he doesn't give a good god damn and thinks i'm rollin' on what i said nearly two friday's ago; is he mentally incapable? what? Believe me i could get all crazy and wrapped in this; but i'm so tired. it hurts whether i rage or stay calm and staying calm is healthier and raging doesn't change it either...
Arg. I believe he'll have to leave this weekend unless i waiver and give him more time...which i don't want to do because it will just smoosh every stand i've taken....
this is so hard.

confucius say: attempting to avoid painful consequences for our poor choices create more pain.
girl, i say this in love, you are a hamster on a wheel.
you know i love you. but you need a swift kick in the fanny.

/hug

I feel your pain. May it be better for you and may you have the strength to do what you need to do for you.

This may be belated on the whole "caring" part... but I've felt like that many times... at work, at home, in school... like "doesn't anyone else CARE about what happens??" It's just too much of a burden to care so deeply for everyone... Yes, I think there is a normal level of caring and sometimes we cross that boundary...

As for the crap he's putting off right now... well... I think you summed it up when you said "is he mentally incapable?"... ummm... he very well may be... especially if you were the one "caring" and "handling" everything before...

i know, i know my fanny is kicked...i'm staying my ground, i write about my fear and hesitation but the facts remain the same as does my stand...no more gerbil wheel. i've updated my journal concerning this...
i've informed our counselor, he says he 'knows'...i can only see what he chooses to do or not do and move forward from there...it is very scary, and i love him, and we are good when i 'detach' but i can not stay and let this continue he has to stop for me to stay.

how about "he will go if he doesn't stop" or "i will ask him to leave in X days if this situation remains as it is" instead of "he has to stop for me stop for me to stay."
YOU are in the ACTION seat.

oh, yes, yes...this is 'left overs' from nearly two Friday's ago and mostly concerning the 'phantom pays'; it isn't about x-number of days and i will leave...it is that he decided to stay and made a commitment to me (the time line comes from giving that co. two more weeks to make good, and then filing an official complaint if they do not - troy hasn't been willing to do that) i don't remind him of it; but it is a known promise to myself that if he does not follow through on that committment i will follow through on mine to myself...does that make sense. it really wasn't a case of you do this by this day or i'll leave - that wasn't ever said but it is understood. KWIM? or am I playing a game with myself?