I'm in the process of taking back power myself...setting a boundary. I'm feeling punished for it. I'm staying strong, because I know that I'm doing the right thing for myself.

My hubby has been telling me that he supports me, but then makes controling and guilting comments. He wouldn't admit that he doesn't believe I'm doing the right thing for myself. It's that belief that's causing the conflict.

I finally got him to suppose (hypothetically for him, of course) that my decision was the best one for me (emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually). His response was to admit that if so there is a choice for him to make...and he doesn't want to make it.

Exactly!

He's in denial. He wants to blame me and punish me for having to face up to making a choice that he doesn't want to make. He'd have to be accountable for his actions and choices in this area.

I'm holding firm. He'll eventually come around, and accept that I'm standing up for myself (I hope so...because he's typically a fair person). I've given in way too many times because it was easier for him (the codependent thing sucks). I really don't care which way he chooses to go. I just want him to accept responsibility for his own choice, you know?

It is painful.

Don't know about keeping the power for myself, yet. Too soon.

So, I'll wish you luck, and ask you to wish me luck.

V

The best way to take power back..for me anyways..is to say what I mean, and mean what I say. Sometimes that requires thinking before I talk so I don't say things I don't mean..or won't follow through on.
That is the other thing...when I say I am going to do something, doing it. Then people know that when I say something, I am serious.
Now of course I really have a hard time doing this. But I am working on it!

I have just recently started taking back some of the power in my life I let my husbands needs and desires come before my own for a long time so naturally he is rebeling but I believe is coming to realize that if he wants this to work he is going to have to accept some changes in our relationship I will no longer make excuses for his behavior I will no longer accept his using. I expect respect as his wife and as a human being with my own ideas and thoughts and I am accepting more responsiblity for my actions and for my own happiness. So good luck its not easy but I believe that its worth it.

The tilting of the mobile. I had a comparison given to me years ago and again in a class, last year. When change is taking place, in addictive recovery families. The roles that are implemented to each person, shift. Comfort levels change, and many espcially children or developmentally delayed adults, will do whatever it takes to get it to go back to the comfort levels they expect. Dr. Wayne Dyer hit on this in one of his lectures. He told his daughter that was blaming him for her miserable plot in life, "What if you stopped blaming me for being the imperfect parent that you chose, and realize that you have been given the opportunity to change your own outcomes." It's believing that you first have choices and then doing. The whole "trying" just lights me up like a stick of dynamite. Doing requires action-trying not so much.....stand firm and believe in yourself.

Thanks for the good support!
It has been brought to my thought process that I may have given my hubs an ultimatum and I'd like to discuss that too...
Is this seen as an ultimatum?
To me an ultimatum suggests that I am still trying to control his behavior through threat...when in my mind and heart I was coming from a different place; a place that told him 'I have decided to let you go because I can't control you and make you do what I think is right and I can't live with what I think is wrong.' Isn't that different?

It's an ultimatum when you say change or else I am doing this. What I read that transpired was not an ultimatum, HE made a decision, you set a boundary for you and gave choices for him to operate in. In my opinion, ultimatums don't give choice to the other person.

I've been reading a lot of different posts that took place over the weekend and it sounds as if this was a very successful taking back our own power weekend for many of us!

ultimatums rarely if ever work because it is taken as a threat and generally people respond to threats in a shor-term way.

My x bf had been sleeping in my apartment for months sometimes in my bed sometimes on the couch. I told him he couldn't spend the night anymore.

positive movement continues...
i'm feeling weird, likely it is my guilt rearing it's ugly head, but i'm feeling like i'm indifferent or that i don't care enough to care, yet i do care? does that make sense? maybe this is a normal level of care and it feels like 'less care' to me? is that wierd?

It has taken me a year to begin to take back my power. I made the effort to go to a support group today, I feeel good for it already.

I also had CCTV to prevent my ex from stalking me.

no one has any thought on my thought on reply #10...on caring? i'm bummed! i'm really still thinking about this and am curious on others thoughts about too much care, as opposed to not caring or 'normal caring'. i sort of feel like i'm being uncaring when maybe this is a normal level of 'care'...
okay, okay - i'm allergic to the crap they shoot turkeys up with and i ate turkey on sunday...maybe i'm still suffering side effects!

I can't answer it Maia. I've only had one instance where my hubby was acting a fool and I calmly went about my business as he went and sat in the truck in the driveway for 30 minutes waiting for me to call and I didn't. I can tell you that for me, at that moment, I did not care. But it was not the calm that you speak of, it was the throwing in the towel kind of calm where I just accepted it and moved forward.

I do think that caring too much is part of my problem though and I can see where it might feel like you don't care as much when you make that choice to detach in that situation. I think it would feel that way for me too, but I don't really know it.

My advice about the "normal level of caring" is to try to care about yourself first. I know this is hard for many of us. What would you advise a friend to do in your same situation (and then do that!). Your answer may make you feel like you are being "uncaring" towards your husband, but until you are treating yourself as you wish others would treat you, you are only giving parts of yourself away by overcaring for others.