i'm not an expert but if what i read is true then the only question you have to ask is how does this benefit you? Ask yourself if giving her loans hurts you or benefits you? its up to your daughter to learn her own life lesson if there is one to be learned... it's not your responsibility to teach her how to budget her money... so don't worrry about that part ...

just ask yourself if you loan her money how does it affect you personally? if you aren't affected and you can afford it go for it.. if you feel like she's just using you and you feel bad about it then say no...

put the focus of the question on you not her.. understand?

First off are these loans, or do they end up as gifts.

Depending on the answer to the first question my take on this would be what does she really gain by you always loaning her money?

Rather than receiving a message of support by your generosity, you may be reinforcing a belief in her that she is incapable of supporting herself on her own, biggest gift you can ever give anyone is confidence in themselves it will reward them, you and their children.

That being said I know how hard it is not to help, but the easy way is not always what is best.

YES actually!!!

Ok, so I ran into some real money problems a few years back due to my ineptness when it comes to money and I spent more than I knew I had. So, my Great Aunt (yes, she has money) said how proud she was of me and voiced that she would like to help me pay off my student loans...anyway, my credit debt was about the same so I approached her with is.

Here is what she did...she asked me to organize and write down all my spending...and come up with a budget that she would review. So, when I did this, I saw where I was spending too much...she was all about tough love with me. So, she challenged me to show her where I could make some cuts and get into a more reasonable budget. I did...then she said "I will help you, I will give you the money to rid your credit debt to rid the interest, and I will expect a regular payment of ... until you pay me off. Meanwhile, I will send the money you send me to pay off your college loans in a reasonable manner."

I know, I was very lucky that she stepped up and helped me...BUT!!! she did not let me off scot-free. She taught me to see what a 'budget' really is, and she taught me how to budget. Yes, she had the money from the get go, but she didn't just offer, she made me actually work for it. When my father died, she promised to help me with school, but another tough love tidbit, she waited til I was successful until she stepped up with that.

I guess what I learned in the interim is the value of money and the work I do. I might suggest you ask your daughter to put down a budget...and to show it to you! She will be surprised where her money actually goes, as I was! If she is not and not willing to budget, then don't offer to help her. She will learn the hard lesson (hopefully). If she doesn't it isn't for you not trying.

I hope this helps, and let me know if you have any more questions about my Aunt's tough love. It worked and I now own my own place AND was even able to buy my parents' place so I could help them.

xoxo

Thank you guys for food for thought.
To answe your question though, this is usually a loan depending on the amount.
You see I`am not in the position myself as I live on a fixed income and have to o into an emergency savings to bail her out time and time again.
Loans do not seem to be an answer as she sems to have plenty of money to go out for dinners and getting her nails done, etc, etc.
How come I can`t do that??

Tell her she has several options:
Learn to tell herself no.
Take a credit counseling class - or class on budgeting your finances.
And most of all, make her show you her budget, Income and Expenes. I think you'll be surprised at how much she could really cut back, if she was forced to.
Use the Bus theory. 'If I was hit by a bus and killed tomorrow, and left you nothing - who would bail you out?" Tell her she needs to start solving her problems on her own and stop relying on you or others to do it for her.
Good luck.

I don't know what I'd do without my mom. I work 2 jobs and live on a fairly tight budget but God blessed me with two dead beat fathers and 3 chronically ill children so there are times when I have to make a decision of whether to care for my child and ask Mom to help with the light bill. My mom knows that I try and I don't waste and how bad it kills me to call her when I need something. PO and I were finally getting out of debt when he got locked up, therefore back to me being the only income it's been rough. Mom won't send cash cause i'm a recovering addict (17 years clean) and I respect that boundary but she will help but I have to send her copies of check stubs, copies of all my bills and I have to send receipts if she doesn't send the $$ direct to the utility company. I don't know what I would do without her right now.....

I've been thru this and it is NO FUN! You are not being controlling, she is! Every time you give her money because she demands it or whines for it, all you are doing is promoting and rewarding bad behavior. Stop giving her money if she is irresponsible with it or won't give it back in a timely manner. Yes, she might hate you for it, but you are doing her no favor by allowing her to live this way. She needs to take control of her own life and be a responsible human being. She never will do this if there is someone who will take care of all of the ills of her world. The longer you continue this, the more manipulative and lazy she will become, because you are enabeling her.

How do you say NO to her when she asks me for a loan without sounding like I`am being controling? You can't
but that's not your problem. How you sound is secondary to your intention. Are you trying to punish and control her? I don't think so. It sounds like you want to set some reasonable boundaries. You have a right to do this. A bank would do this. A bank in fact would make her sign for a loan and charge her additional fees. If she didn't pay her loan back, then there would be punitive actions.
Why not model your boundary on the bank's? Tell her yes but on certain conditions. Write them out, have her agree and sign it. Later if she defaults she must stick to her bargin. It's called holding people accountable. It will be your job to do that so think ahead of time what she can likely succeed in and what you feel comfortable holding her accountable to if she "defaults"

The one thing that I have learned is the answer to money problems is not more money as some usually think. I used to think that also. If we cannot manage 10 dollars, we will be broke eventually with 100,000 dollars. It is about setting boundaries for ourselves and it is about respecting money, and putting it where it needs to be first.

I think Rosanne, I would give your daughter a "notice" fo sorts and let her know that this is not good for you, her of even your relationship together. We know that we do not help someone by doing things for them that they "should" or "could" be doing for themselves. The word "NO" is jammed packed with love...
((hugs))
EllaBlue

Well, I`ve recieved lots of good suggestions thnak you all.
Today I spoke with my counslor and asked her what she would do. After considering that she may take this frustration out on the little one because her mother has always been there, and she may loose her apartment. Her suggestion was, if she asks, give it to her one last time with an explanation that it will be the LAST and FINAL time and stick to it.This way she is prepared for the future.