Codependency Support Group

Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...

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Starved for Love

deleted_user
deleted_user
I am having some major issues with my dad. I would like to know if anyone has any advice for the pain.

My dad was the best dad until I was about 10. I knew he loved me and wanted to be with me. He was awesome. My parents divorced when I was 7, but it didn't change anything between my dad me. When he got married to my stepmother when I was 11, it all changed. He had a new family and they were his priority. She had a son and they had a daughter together. I was now Cinderella and there was no time for me. When I was 13 he moved across the country and left me with my mom. I would spend 3 weeks out of the summer with him, but he only spent 1 night with just me....the very last night. It was horrible. I cried the whole time because it wasn't enough and I knew I was leaving the next day.

When I was 16, my mom killed herself, so I had to move to my dad's, but it was just as bad....if not worse because I was stuck there and had to endure being ignored every day.

Every visit with him, even this past Thanksgiving weekend, I keep hoping it's going to be different. I keep hoping that he will show me that attention that he did when I was 10, but he never does. I always get my hopes up, only to walk away with that same heartache.

So, I've tried to find other men to take his place, but that only ends in disaster. How do I get over this? I'm 36....you would think I would know better by now.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Hi Breathe, I'm so sorry for the pain you are feeling. The parent/child relationship can be so heart-wrenching. I understand the overwhelming yearning of hope that a parent will change, accept you, pay attention to you the way you need. The best advice I can give to you is that you cannot make someone change, but you have control to change yourself. I found therapy helped me tremendously in coming to terms with my feelings about my mother...she is an alcoholic. It takes time and patience with yourself. I found with time and a lot of work, I was able to accept myself and my mother.
Coming here and asking for support is a great start. There are so many caring, understanding people here. Finding someone you can talk with who can help you work thru the complexities of your situation, having your faith, this site, journaling...all of these things will help you.
deleted_user
deleted_user
My heart hurts after reading your post. About your age...someone told me when there is childhood trauma, sometimes you mentally stay at that age until things are resolved. Have you had a sitdown talk with your dad? Just wondering...I have the opposite problem, I am trying to detach from my dad, yet I feel like a young child around him...I am so sorry for your pain. Journaling, like lynnielou suggested, is very helpful to me. Take care
mgs1
mgs1
There is a very intersting book out there- the books title doesn't necessarily do it justice. It is titled, How to be an adult. The book does talk about what happens when a child's needs are not met. The startling revelation is that you cannot be nurtured into health by your father, and perhaps cannot even accept the love he may be giving to you because you can' recognize it. It is an amazing book. I highly recommend it and it has changed my life.
God Bless you.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Thank you guys for your responses. My dad gets angry every time I bring any of it up. I think it's guilt, but it's not even worth it. I found that book online and ordered it. Thank you mgs1. I feel better having "said" all of that "out loud" and then all 3 of your resposnes were very heartfelt...that means a lot. Thanks!
deleted_user
deleted_user
Hi breathe-Your post could have been mine. I was "daddy's little girl", my parents divorced when I was 7 too and at age 10, the visitations stopped. Visiting the bar was more important. Around the age of 30 I realized it was time for me to forgive my dad for not being the DAD I expected him to be. The difference here is that you suffered a huge and significant traumatic loss of your mother. I know it's hard, my dad remarried too and there were 7 kids compared to the 3 with my mother that he seemed at the time to be paying more attention to...what I later found out in life, the TRUTH-although he was an alcoholic, he never stopped thinking or caring about me, he just didn't know how I needed to be cared about or for. My step-mother helped me to see this when I was 22 years old and moved in with them. Yes you are 36, but learning to cope and effectively deal with this type of heavy emotional stuff takes time and some understanding of "family systems", "grieving" and "forgiving". I am so proud of you for putting your life and experience out there. You are storming down the doors of isolation and misunderstanding. Keep coming back, you will find others here too, that have wisdom you'll want to grab up and hold onto. *HUGS*
deleted_user
deleted_user
I also had unstable relationships with my parents while growing up. I felt very close with my stepfather for a very long time but when I became a teenager he seemed to disapprove of my every decision all the way down to my personal style. I could go on for days about my relationship with my mother who practically gave up raising her daughters when we were still children. I think she screwed me up for life because she was very emotionally abusive.
I am sorry to hear that your father is not meeting your needs and that he is difficult to talk to. I also understand how it does not work to fill the void with dating other men who still neglect to fulfill your emotional needs. I think reading the books out there is a great place to start. Also, having a few strong friendships is crucial. If you ever want to talk, I'm here.
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