Why am I always apologizing? Why am I always willing to take the blame even if the fault does not lie with me (or the other person either)?

I am so tired. Tired of the struggle. Tired of fighting. Nothing (no matter how hard I try to succeed) changes. Its just the continual cycle of fear. Fear generated by my own past.

How can I dispell the fear? How can I separate my pain from another's? I do not like who I am anymore. I lay awake in the darkness and I ask Divine not to let me go through all this again. But I did. I sunk deep into that black pit and I lost 2 things that meant the world to me..(aside from my babies).

"Please dont let me do this" I would ask. Inevitably, I knew I had to because everything happens for a reason even if we arent aware of what it is at the time.

I know I have to still go through this so that I may inevitably help others by sharing my own experiences, but at the same time my heart is breaking, not just because of what Im going through but for those who still must endure.

I see the look in his eyes when he speaks of his abuse. I hear the pain and anger in his voice when he relays the tales of what his father did to his mother and him as a child. Yet he tells me he's dealt with it. Sorry, I do not believe him. No one can be that angry if they have worked through it.

Anger that he tells me doesnt exist.

I want to be able to trust him beyond all measure and in some ways I do. I dont feel I trust him enough to tell him all this what I say here. I would like to be able to talk to him without him being judgemental and critical of me. But because we are so immeshed...that isnt going to happen. I know I let him down. I know I failed him when he needed me most. But he should also realize that while he kept pushing me to make his dream a reality, mine were being neglected. I know I shouldnt be so torn up but it grieves me to know that I have let him down, disappointed him, and failed him.

Last night I was having chest pains during our argument. He only said are you ok now after I had had calmed myself down..no easy task there. All he did was sit there. I guess my stress level being so high to cause chest pains doesnt matter.

I hate this. I hate feeling so useless. I feel like a pressure cooker left unattended and about to blow its lid. I used to feel so sure of myself, confident, strong..now I feel as though I were falling apart.

I dont understand how I allowed myself to become so doubtful.