Codependency Support Group

Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...

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So here I am ...

deleted_user
deleted_user
I am a people pleaser to the nth degree it seems. I will tolerate just about anything as long as there is no physical violence I seem to be "able to handle it." Nevermind that I take it out on myself. I had help for being annorexic when I was younger and I learned that I carry my anger in my stomach and that I am full of anger. I'm kinda rambling because I am feeling very angry and mixed up at this very moment. I married a man who I believed was something very different than he wound up being. He's not physically abusive, but he is frequently telling me I am stupid. And a part of me believes him. I work my full work week, but I can't even get him to work 40 hours a week regularly, which means any extra money I might spend on me has to pay the bills. I mean if you don't pay the water it gets turned off and you need water right? Or is that just another stupid justification of something? I can't even tell right now. I just feel like crying. Or better yet, getting in my car and driving until I am far, far away. I hate my job. I am working to change that but it's hard to focus when I feel like I do right now. I'm not sure what I expect here. I guess I just want someone to understand and say it will be okay, but I'm not sure I believe that anymore. The holidays are coming up and they are hell for me. My husband and my mother do not get along. Personally I think it is because they are competing for my affection and attention, which ultimately means doing whatever they want and that is obviously in contradiction with each other. I really just want the pain to end. As I drove in I envisioned my car on the path of a train track getting smashed with me in it and it brought such a sense of relief to me. No I'm not really suicidal, but a part of me longs for this world to be over I don't deny it. I'm just so tired. And this is the first time I've ever told anyone that. Wow. I guess I have a lot further to go than I should. Now if I can only find out where to start.
deleted_user
deleted_user
First understand that it is okay to feel a little sad and stressed, But it is NOT okay to be made to feel stupid. What really makes you feel better? Sit down, go to a quite place and really work out your feelings right now. Right them all down on a piece of paper and deal with each feeling individually. By the time you are done, you should feel like you've addressed everything. That should be your starting place. When you are done, write down everything you like about yourself, I'm pretty sure you have some awesome qualities. And in the end, you will have just proved you are not stupid. Stupid people don't even know what pen and paper is.
deleted_user
deleted_user
you are not alone. this is a great place to start. just hang out here and do some reading and get to know people. if you can afford counseling, great. AND 12 step fellowships are wonderful. i'm doing both.
reading some books and getting some information about improving your self-esteem.
also, medication maybe to cope with depression.
it's easy to dump all our concerns on another as "their" fault (and some of this is) but you must address while you are still in the relationship before you can be healed and whole.
blessings!
deleted_user
deleted_user
Wow, while reading that I had some severe flashbacks. I was not in the exact same situation, but it was very close.

First: no one, especially your spouse should put you down like that! (I will never let that happen to me ever again).

Two: things will get better! But... you have to get there yourself. It will seem like an almost impossible journey. But by being here on this site, and talking is a major step in the right direction. Keep going. Read the reply from Afloat.. it is very good advice (I have been reading and soaking up as much as I can. I have learned alot in the past little while).

Three: no matter how bad or worthless you feel you MUST tell yourself that you are worth it!!

four: In order to do this you have to be downright honest with yourself. If you have done things in your life that you regret, then examine them, and remember that you cannot change the past, and what is done is done. Learn what you can from it, and then stop beating yourself up for it. (I do this on a daily basis. It was difficult at first, but it is getting easier by the day).

Things can be alot better once you realize where all of this is coming from.

And finally - don't stop now, you are on the right path. Keep in touch with all of the people here. You will find there is alot if information, advice, and SUPPORT here.

(I get a little long winded at times).
Loved1
Loved1
Funny how when I have those thoughts of not wanting to be, they seem to coincide with a gnawing feeling I am ignoring that the person I am with is not healthy for me. (I usually realize this after the fact.) It has to come out somehow. It is not ok. I can't change anyone but myself. You are definitely not alone. Hopefully by sharing and caring together with people who understand and go through similar things, we can get better. The serenity prayer helps me focus on what I can change in my life, my attitude. I think it is great to realize something we want to change, though painful, it is the first step. A great tool I learned when asked if I'll do something (people pleaser kicks in), if I'm not sure, say "I'll get back to you". Go ahead and wait to decide, it's your right!
"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference...
deleted_user
deleted_user
Alot of what you said is how I feel and I guess you made the first step and started here. I too am married to a man that is not what he seemed. All he has done in 4 months of marriage is tell me all of the things that he does not like about me and tries to control my every move and that is not exaggerating. Keep your head up and know that you are worth so much more.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Alot of what you said is how I feel and I guess you made the first step and started here. I too am married to a man that is not what he seemed. All he has done in 4 months of marriage is tell me all of the things that he does not like about me and tries to control my every move and that is not exaggerating. Keep your head up and know that you are worth so much more.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Well, it's about 3:20pm and I'm feeling a little better after reading here and hearing something other than "Just leave him" or "Just quit" or "Just change it" from people who clearly don't understand that it isn't that simple. It's nice to know it isn't just that simple for everyone but me. And thank you so much for the hugs...today I needed them badly. I made my list and my eyes are still watery, but my chin is coming up some and tomorrow is another day.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Hi, I think you are on the right track to feeling better. And with the attitude you had in the last post, too, thats the way I got to feeling better and into a different place.
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