I am a people pleaser to the nth degree it seems. I will tolerate just about anything as long as there is no physical violence I seem to be "able to handle it." Nevermind that I take it out on myself. I had help for being annorexic when I was younger and I learned that I carry my anger in my stomach and that I am full of anger. I'm kinda rambling because I am feeling very angry and mixed up at this very moment. I married a man who I believed was something very different than he wound up being. He's not physically abusive, but he is frequently telling me I am stupid. And a part of me believes him. I work my full work week, but I can't even get him to work 40 hours a week regularly, which means any extra money I might spend on me has to pay the bills. I mean if you don't pay the water it gets turned off and you need water right? Or is that just another stupid justification of something? I can't even tell right now. I just feel like crying. Or better yet, getting in my car and driving until I am far, far away. I hate my job. I am working to change that but it's hard to focus when I feel like I do right now. I'm not sure what I expect here. I guess I just want someone to understand and say it will be okay, but I'm not sure I believe that anymore. The holidays are coming up and they are hell for me. My husband and my mother do not get along. Personally I think it is because they are competing for my affection and attention, which ultimately means doing whatever they want and that is obviously in contradiction with each other. I really just want the pain to end. As I drove in I envisioned my car on the path of a train track getting smashed with me in it and it brought such a sense of relief to me. No I'm not really suicidal, but a part of me longs for this world to be over I don't deny it. I'm just so tired. And this is the first time I've ever told anyone that. Wow. I guess I have a lot further to go than I should. Now if I can only find out where to start.
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