I'm anxious to see what others say on this one.
Getting the law or another agency like family services is a drastic step that should be considered only if you feel those children are in danger. I believe this for the following reasons.
While it is, in fact, "dangerous" emotionaly for them to see their mother in any kind of distress, how emotionally devasting would it be for them to be dragged away by state? Will they allow YOU to care for them, and will you be able to do so?
If she will refuse to allow you to see them, you may be taking away the only "safe harbor" those children have. I know - I was one of those children. My grandmother was the only person I could turn to. Those children should NEVER be the innocent victims!
As I said, this is a drastic step that I feel should be taken under the most drastic circumstances, and she should be given fair warning ( not a threat!) that her behaviour is unacceptable and warned to get help.
Where is her husband in all of this? It sounds like loving, caring intervention time to me. The physical AND emotional well being of those children should be the first thing that is should focused one before they grow up in a crazy, dysfunctional environment and don't even end up HERE posting, but some place alot worse.

Lord! I hope you can make sense out of my typos!:) All I can do is apologize and let it go!

It is so hard to know what to do when you're in these circumstances. Thank you for eye opening considerations. I've been telling her for over a year now that she needs help and she has been saying "OH No I Don't" I see it is getting worse. I'm going to get educated about a loving, caring intervention so I can do that for her.

Dear Carol,
You have such a dilemna my friend and one I have heard many many times in Al-Anon. When it comes to children, their safety has to come first. Only you know what you have to do. I will say this though, I am a recovering alcoholic (9 years sober nearly) and currently sponsor a woman whose children were put into the care of other family members 2 weeks ago for the forseeable future (bringing Social Services into the equation does not neccesarliy mean they will be put into care just a safer environment like with my sponsee, her children are with a relative on the instructions of the courts). This act of having her children taken off her was the rock bottom my sponsee needed to get her to fully embrace the enormity of her alcoholism and was the rock bottom she needed to finally admit defeat. This woman is now going to great lengths to get and stay sober and I am in no doubt that one day, she will be the Mother they deserve and will live with her again when she has proven first to herself and then to the courts and social services that she is a "fit mother".
May the Force be with you.
HUge Hug,
Tusti XX

Dear Carol,
I tend to agree with Tusti, that this might be the thing that makes her hit rock bottom. Because I grew up with a mom who was too drunk (from bottles of vodka) to be a good caretaker, I really feel for those children. They may or may not be in physical danger, let's hope not. But the emotional abuse and neglect that they are going through can not continue and that is what it is to have your mom so wasted that she can not take care of you properly.

My mom wasn't physically abusive but she was a dysfunctional alcoholic who I couldn't trust to take care of my sisters or myself when she had been drinking. I wished so many times that my dad would have left my mom, maybe it would have forced her to take a look at her life and the hurt she was causing to her children long ago. Maybe not, I don't know. But I know by my dad doing nothing, just staying there and enabling her all those years, it caused a ton of problems for my sisters and I.

Your daughter probably won't change unless she has a reason to such as an uncomfortable consequence for her behavior. To call Family services might be considered a pretty tough first consequence, but not one that you should rule out if other consequences do not seem to work. Is there anyway you and her husband can work together to come up with some viable consequences for her behaviors? For example, if she won't seek help through AA, counseling, treatment or something, then maybe he threatens to leave with the children. Just until she makes an honest attempt to stop. If that doesn't work, step it up to the next level. Eventually, you might have to bring in Family services or other types of help. You can not rule that out if that is what it takes to save her life and your grandkids. Like Tusti said, they might end up going to live with a relative temporarily while your daughter is getting help. Anyway, I am here if you want to talk. I know how hard it must be to be in this situation and I applaude you for loving those kids and your daughter enough to practice tough love. I wish people had done the same with my mom when I was a little girl!! I will keep you and your family in my prayers.

Thank you everyone all your comments. Believe me they all have really helped. I'm so thankful for this website. I wish I had this kind of support when my oldest was going through heroin addiction in the early ninetys. I was so depressed then and so scared that the police was going to knock on my door sometime at night to tell me my son was dead from an overdose.

I followed him around when I knew where he was and called the police on him when I saw him do illegal things. I visited him in jail and said to him "Where are your drug buddies now. See who really cares about you."

He went through drug treatment and now has been clean for about ten years. He is a husband and a father. He makes good money and is in charge of his department where he works. He also calls me almost everyday to tell me he loves me and how wonderful his own son is. He tells me he doesn't want his son to go through any of that and is scared because he is just like him :)

I tell him he is a good father. To take time and spend it with his son enjoying him. To listen to him and to talk to him. To do things with him. I tell him to take him to Church and get him involved in sports. I tell him everything will be just fine.

I have an intervention planned for next Thursday with my daughter and a drug addiction counselor. My daughter is willing to go with me. Please pray for us that she will get the help she needs. Thank you to everyone :)

I cant really give any good advice. But i will tell you my story. Maybe it would open her eyes. My Mom was drunk as long as I can remember. My dad was out of town alot, I remember staying home from school to take care of my brother as mom was to drunk to do it. He is 7 yrs younger than me. Dad divorced Mom when I was 12 the drinking continued. We would go visit her, we would walk 3 miles to town, mom my sister and i would each take a food stamp, by a candy, get the change, so Mom could buy cigs, and a bottle of vodka. I was 10 or 11, Sister was 8 or 9. Little brother wasnt allowed to go as he wouldnt be cared for, so her grew up without a mom.
Soon we love going to Moms, she would be passed out we could do whatever we wanted!!! First we smoked, than drank, than drugs. I lost my virginity at 12 yrs old! We watched mom go through numerous boyfriends, one actually overdosed on something, and died in our bedroom, while we were there! Mom got alcohol poisining one day, I called 911, watched them pump her stomach, and sat with her to make sure she didnt bite her tounge while she had seizures. Again we were 10 and 12 yrs old.
We moved 4 hrs from Mom, went and saw her when we could. Both of us continued the distructive path we were on. Mom just got worse and worse. When I was able to drive I would go see her, she would be so drunk she would black out and not no us kids, or beg me for a ride to the liquor store.
When I was 18, we went to see my Dad in the same town, I couldnt bare to deal with mom, so I didnt go see her. When I got home, I got a call from Dad, he said Mom was dead. She passed out with a lit cig, the house caught on fire, she didnt make it. We grew up without a Mom, cause of her partying. She died at 41 yrs old, alone, and with nothing. I miss her like crazy, she missed my wedding, my brother and sister growing up, and all the things a Mom is suppose to be there for. I love her, but i hate what we went through. I cant imagin any child going through a life like this. I hope she wakes up. Maybe my long boring story will help. Sorry for the length. Keep us posted

working in the domestic law field i would be very very hesitant to get the law involved. boy, can things go wrong.....
you could petition for temporary custody if you need to. that would be the better route. before you get the government involved, speak to a good family law attorney.
i hope the intervention helps.

Thank you for for your advice and stories. I grew up with an alcoholic father. I really didn't want to go through this again. My dad is dead.

I told all my kids never to drink that alcoholism is genetic and they may not be able to stop once they start. They all said as childern, "No Momma we won't". They all saw how their grandpa died.

So far none of them have listened to me. I chose never to drink because I wanted a better life. I didn't realize I was codependant. I'm just now learning how codependancy may have affected my children.

I do not want this for my grandson's and I'm so angry with my daughter because I taught her better. I became educated. I specialized in substance abused children and infants. I taught parenting to addicts. She volunteered sometimes and saw how drugs and alcohol destroy lives. She still chose to use drugs, drink and prostitute.

I pray for her everyday, I love her with all my heart. There is a part of me that wants to cut her out of my life. Because don't I deserve to be happy and not have to deal with this all over again? I left home to be happy, then gave birth to it all over again. Then I feel guilty because she is my baby.

Sorry for my rant. But thank you :)

All we, as parents, can do is teach our children what we know. But it is up to them how they live their lives. I am a codependent and my eldest is in a relationship where he is very needy. I can't do anything except be there for her if she ever decides that this is no good for her. Luckily for me, she is not into substance abuse, but she has developed into an o.c. her house is spotless and she will not sit down for more than a few minutes at a time as she is always picking up/cleaning. I hope that you and your grandsons have a great life. You all deserve it. Good luck.

Dear Medicmel,
My heart ached for you and your family when I just read your story. What was astonishing to me was how you could call it "boring". But then I remember that we as codependents minimise our dysfunctional histories and then your use of the word became understandable.

I do feel the need to say here that alcoholism is a disease not a moral issue. My Father told me to never drink as he ended up imprisoned because of the disease of alcoholism and I swore I never would but when it first went down my throat as a teenager, the allergy to alcohol that all alcoholics have kicked in and I was it's slave from then on until a mental hospital admission forced me to put the poison down. I feel the need to say that it is a disease not a moral issue because those in the throws of alcoholism are utterly powerless over it and only by surrendering to a power greater than themselves, can they put the drink down and be "sober" as opposed to "dry". To view the illness in these terms removes words like "partying" as trust me, for real alcoholics, it is never about "partying" only feeding this thing inside - a lower power - that wants to kill us and all those around us - if not physically then spiritaully, emtionally and mentally. The following reading from Al-Anon's "Courage to Change" daily meditation book kind of sums up what I am trying to say: Quote:

"I had a very difficult time believing that alcoholism was a disease. I was convinced that if they really wanted to, alcoholics could stop drinking. After all, I quit smoking. Wasn't it the same?

Then one day an Al-Anon member likened active alcoholism to Alzheimers disease. We see our loved one's slip away without their being aware of what's happening or being able to stop it. They look perfectly normal on the outside, but the sickness is progressing, and they become more and more irrational and difficult to be around. When they have lucid moments and once again seem to be themselves, we want to believe that they are well, but these moments pass, and we despair. Before long we find ourselves resenting the very people we once loved.

I'll always be grsteful to my friend because her explanation helped me to accept the reality of my situation. Once I did, it was much easier for me to seperate the disease from the person.

When I accept that alcoholism is a disease, I am forced to face the fact that I am powerless over it. Only then can I gain the freedom to focus on my own spiritual growth. A family member has no more right to state "if you loved me you would not drink" than the right to say "If you loved me you would not have tubercolosis"..... Illness is a condition, not an act."

So what I am saying bottom line is that to know for example Medicmel that your Mother was drinking as a result of an illness makes it maybe easier to get closer to her now - even if she has passed on - than if you are stuck into the mind set that she was simply indulging in "partying" and neglecting you all on a whim of the love of parties rather than the reality that she almost certainly consumed with absolute self-hate, self-disgust and every other alcoholic horror feeling in relation to her neglect of you all.

I know this a very tough and challenging area for all concerned and anyone currently reading this who is not in a fellowship which helps us recover from the horrific effects of someone elses alcoholism or drug addiction then I urge you to join one. This dis-ease is a family disease and it infects the family with the same poison it affects the addict/ alcoholic.

Love+Light to all families affected by this horrific condition.
Tusti XX