I FEEL I CONSTANTLY HAVE IGNORED MY OWN NEEDS ALL MY LIFE AND YES, i FEEL IT'S PART OF THIS CO-DEPENDENCY THING. iT'S ONLY THE LAST COUPLE OF MONTHS I'M REALLY TRYING TO THINK OF ME FIRST. WHEN I DO, I FIND I ACTUALLY LIKE IT. ONE THING I HAVE DONE FOR ME IS TO GO TO AL-ANON. I DON'T KNOW WHY I DO IT EITHER. I AM TRYING TO REALLY STOP DOING IT WHEN IT COMES TO RELATIONSHIPS. I'M HAVING A HARD TIME WITH THAT. I'M IN A FIVE YEASR RELATIONSHIP WITH AN ADDICT. WE HAVE SPLIT UP MANY TIMES, BUT I ALWAYS TAKE HIM BACK. THROUGH THE SUPPORT OF THE GROUPS I HAVE JOINED, I HOPE THE NEXT TIME WE SPLIT UP I WILL BE STRONG ENOUGH NOT TO TAKE HIM BACK. I WISH I HAD MORE ANSWERS FOR YOU, BUT I GUESS WE'RE ALL ASKING THE SAME QUESTIONS, LOOKING FOR THE RIGHT ANSWERS. LET ME KNOW HOW YOU MAKE OUT

Yes, I do find that I have a bad habit of making sure someone else is allright before I even ask if I am.... I also apologize for things that I had no control over! This is getting pointed out to me by a very dear friend! Things I had never noticed are all coming to the surface, now that I have a reason to watch!
I have been called a martyre (sp)on several occasions.. I really do not see myslef doing it,, until I already have!
I agree with Tari, please let me know if you find the solution! LOL
Hugs

Yes, it's true there's a big guilt feeling when you do something for yourself and only yourself. I spent 10 years taking care of an alcoholic and his two kids. The kids and I still have a great relationship, however I had to let the alcoholic go. I spent so much time taking care of him that I didn't take care of me. It was an unhealthy situation. After I left him, I had a very hard time taking care of ONLY me. I had those guilt feelings all the time. It does get better, and it really is okay to do things just for you. Just keep telling yourself that. Take baby steps...just do something little, like spend an extra five minutes in the tub relaxing. Eventually, you will learn that it really is okay. Take care!!!

i think it stems from not loving ourselves because we think we are not "good enough". comes from our dysfunctional family of origin. meeting other's needs before our own.
i still feel guilty when i have to STUDY! i get crap from my children and parents/family if i have to get a sitter so i can study!!!
it's like "wha? i'm not going to the rainbow room for dancing and champagne".
finally had to let go that there wasn't anyone near me who was going to support me that way.
so, working on letting it go. but it pisses me off.
like i don't have needs or i'm selfish if i do.
and as for when no one else around....we are so used to doing things for others it doesn't dawn on us when we are alone to do things for ourselves....
matter of fact, sometimes i have a hard time thinking of something to do for myself!
i need to get a life!!!
good topic. thanks.

I find that I put others over my needs in almost every instance. Work is the exception to that. Friends, family, hubby...they all come before me. In some instances it is just habit. In others it just isn't worth the argument. I'm working on all of this though.

I am always having myself under 'self punishment' and totally struggle with guilt when I do something nice for me...like this past weekend I set aside $60 for items I may like to buy at a craft fair; that was hard to do, and I could have thought of 1billion and one better places for that money to go...but I did need to do something nice for me. I didn't end up really buying anything but donating to the ASPCA but y'know I had the idea. There is another craft fair this weekend and I may do just the same thing! My hubs always has a knack of making me feel guilty about these things when I do, do them...even this past saturday, "I wish I could just have $60 to carry around 'in-case' I wanted to buy something..." I thought 'you are a prick'! He knew it bothered me and apologized, and said he didn't know why he made an issue out of it as it didn't even bother him...but I still say, "YOU PRICK"!

I do really stupid stuff though... like the other night, I was sitting in a chair reading and I was uncomfortable. But you know why I didn't move and get comfortable?... because my dog was sleeping in my lap and I didn't want to disturb him. MY DOG!!!

When I'm home ALONE, I catch myself trying not to make too much noise... closing kitchen cabinets quietly, stepping lightly on the hardwood floor, etc.

I don't eat when I'm hungry, I stay awake when I'm tired... Of course it's worse when there are other's around, but doing this stuff when I'm alone is just crazy!

When you are alone why do you think you keep in your behaviors of not taking care of you? What are you waiting on? Very interesting! I know when I was on the outs of a long term on/off again relationship with a heavy love I would leave my doors unlocked (so he could come in anytime which was always after bars closed), or i would cook big dinners although i lived alone because he 'might call', or i'd pick my sick and tired butt out of bed at 4AM to pick him up and take him home from a late night poker game...
So how about you? Why don't you take care of you even when alone?

Wow this is an excellant topic. I've often wondered why this is what I do. Was I taught somewhere a long the way that this is how it is. Yeah, I had a few great examples and when I'm studying or NEED something the support isn't there either. Just like afloat, I get a little angry about it and then the "you should/shouldn't be's" start running amuck. I think all the "training" even self training-I too walk around quietly. I notice when others are walking heavily. This is from childhood training indeed, I remember it well.

bay, i'm with you on the dog thing. i do the same thing! isn't it odd i never thought about getting up and moving?
one day at a time.

Yes!

I do a lot of little things like this too - I'll be walking around hungry, but not even think of stopping to eat. Even if I'm not too busy! At nighttime I sleep in a position that is entirely uncomfortable for me because I want to huddle up against my husband. Everyday I walk around with a crik on my right side because of it. Maybe tonight I'll sleep on my belly.I don't take care of dry skin. I don't take the time to put shoes on if I have to run outside for something and it's 40 degrees. I'll do laundry in the basement for hours this way!

I think it has to do with family of origin habits with me too. I learned to go without, do without . . . I learned not to ask.

Good topic.

I do the same thing, even when I am alone. as for the dog.. I am guilty as well. Heck that 75lb Doberman with an IQ of 1 walks over and does the .. um your in my spot on the couch. I actually move!!
But then again, he's cuddly, and loves to hug, and has a neck like a giraffe.

I'M LAUGHING AS I AM READING SOME OF THE POSTS!! I RELATE TOO WELL TO WHAT IS BEING SHARED. IT'S CRAZY WHAT WE DO. A LOT OF THE TIME I DON'T REALIZE THAT I'M UNCOMFORTABLE. BUT I HAVE TO SAY THAT I'VE GOTTEN BETTER.

Hi Bay, good thread. I like asking myself why I do certain things to learn more about me and how I can get to my next better place.

I would like to think that I can continue to navigate through life by being kind and giving because those qualities are what the world needs more of, BUT we don't want to have to depend on other people's opinions of us to be the yardstick by which we measure our self-worth.
You touched upon some great questions. YES, I always thought there would be some reward or acknowledgement for the things that I did. Today I am much better but I need to watch my "motives" closely to make sure I am doing things for the appropriate reasons.
Thanks:)
EllaBlue

Hi all, yes these are all down to conditioning, I can relate to all of them in one way or another and your all right it is like subconcious thing we all have in common. Its just like biting my nails, a bad habit that with effort can be changed to creating good habits to counteract the bad. I know from experience that we can all change bad habits but I personally do not find it easy. Sad but true its easier to please others than it is to please myself.