i have began to realize that i am a very critical person to myself and others. reading book-self compassion by neff. it is great. we can not feel compassion for ourselves or others if we dont love ourself and take care of ourself and protect the inner child and sooth her/him. this has probably been a way of protecing myself, in the book it says that if we are critical of ourselves before other reject us, we feel protected somehow, because we have already critized ourself before others can. this lack of compassion for myself and others seems to have been a way of protecting myself. she says that in our society we think that we look better if we put others down. sad, but sounds like alot of us. in other cultures "being the most humble" might be what is important. she says that we all want to be the best and that we never can or will be. there are always other smarter, more attractive, or more desirable. feel that alot of my interactions with others that are not in my best interests has me feeling like " gosh they are just tolerating me or i must be very annoying". anyway i have been working on telling myself when i feel this way that that is not true. i am trying to connect with others who cant connect and are unavaliable. so trying to tell myself that these things are not true that i am a person that others should want to be around and that i have alot to offer. just trying to fit into a friends or family that are not avaliable. another thing is that i think we judge others and ourselves harsly because of childhood pain and because we dont choose to associate with those who are avaliable.any thoughts on this. i actually asked my councelor if there are really people out there are are supportive and will drop what they are doing to be your friend and stand with you in bad times. i dont have much of that and that again is probably because i allow people to treat me as if i am or my feeling are insignificant and they just dont have time to deal with me, as i have always had relationship problems. this is the attitude that i feel from "my friends". very little support as i have gone through this break-up. "surrounded my strangers that i call friends". rambling but also maybe i play a part in this by being so self-absorbed for years that i have not also been avaliable. as i say that i am trying not to feel bad about myself for not being a good friend at times but expecting that from others
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