Wednesday, I spent a large portion of my evening thinking about someone and projecting an ex's attributes onto him. I kept worrying about pleasing this new person, and yet fearing he would turn out to be an emotional manipulator. My alaram bells were ringing. I tossed and turned all night worrying and being in fear.
Thursday, I realized I was having a very bad day because I was shaming myself for what happened yesterday. I thought I should give this person a chance because I wronged them by projecting onto them. I released myself from that shame, apologized to myself, said "I am human. I make mistakes and move on".
Friday, when I learnt that we, most recent ex and I, will be working in the same office and floor and I was screaming in my head, I did not: think it was "fate" bringing us back together or do anything extreme or drastic. Though I worried that we might eventually run into each other and that I may live out my days fearing the meeting and constantly working to avoid him.
Today, I saw him and did not make an romantic gestures towards him.
Today, I told him it's not okay to hug me unless he asks first. I set a boundry.
Today, when I learnt that not only will I be on the same floor - we will actually be in eye and ear shot of each other, I was shocked and worried, but took it as a chance to practice non codependant behaviors. I do not take this as a chance to or hope that it will bring us back together and rekindle our romance.
Today, I felt proud of myself for my progress instead of shaming myself for not keeping my boundries or not getting what I needed.
I am at a better place with my ex and his wife than I have ever been. I can actually have a conversation with him on the phone and keep my cool. When either one of them does something annoying I just do an eyeroll, chalk it up to them being them, and move on with my life. What I'm struggling with is the double identity crisis. Years ago I went to going away party for my mother when she...
This is a link by Darlene Lancer https://www.whatiscodependency.com/trauma-abuse-breakups-divorce-ptsd/#more-13463 about abusive relationships and moving forward.After reading this and speaking to my therapist by phone today, as I progress through the begining of trauma work I'm finding that this article speaks to 'me codependent' to what I hope to achieve Some Day as 'Me, healed of...