i know it feels like a death sentence right now..But remember it takes 2 people to make an unhealthy relationship.Your not the only one to blame. Put the bat down and dont be so hard on yourself.Trust me i know the battle in my mind of putting down my relationship. I even went to the shrink to make the transition.Once i was alone and really had to take a long hard look at my behaviors it was devasting..Alot more than i could handle..But what i have been told is i need to take this time whether it is 6 months or a year or whatever..always better than another sick 5 year relationship..got tired of the pain..and today the fear is less than it was a month ago..and for that i am grateful...hugs
james

i second snailmark...
you are not poision...that is such a terribly dramatic and impactful thing to say to yourself, about yourself. your behaviors may need adjustment to move forward and learn how to develop healthy relationships but you are no poision...the only thing that is poisioning is your perceived reflection of you.

I feel that I could have written this. Scan, please know that you're not the only one. I am here for you going through the same things. We need to be gentle with ourselves.

I know its easier said then done but I feel the same but I know we both can get through this!!!

understand we always assume all the guilt and shame for the relationship..we are not good enough..worthless..we even go as far to assume there accountability in the relationship which usually allows them to move on with no problem while we are on our death beds..typically at least for me i attract woman that are completely unavailable for me...then after the hooneymoon stage(about 6 months) the fear of being alone sets in and then i know the relationship is sick but i stay anyway because i think i can fix it..why you ask? because in my childhood my mother was completely unavailable for me so i grew up with the idea that i was gonna beat the game..i would show my mom that i was lovable and worthwhile..so i picked the woman that couldnt do that..unconciously...then would after the fact try to make them available...and when it didnt work it would reaffirm to me the worthlessness and unlovablility that i have known my whole life....hope it makes a little sense...hang in there it does get better

WOW!! This post hits home. I went to counseling cause he was mean and awful, i wanted him to be fixed. Now i find out that I NEED TO BE FIXED. Still swallowing that pill. I tend to want to be the martyr and take it all on, this failure of a realitionship. How quickly i went from he is wreaking havoc on our lives to I am wreaking havoc on our lives. I think we both, you and me, scattered, need to own some of it, but not all of it.

Your last sentence shows you what your true business is: love and accept yourself EXACTLY as you are.

keeping your OWN side of the street clean is all you can really do.
words that aren't said in love are said from fear. try to speak from love but do not be spoken to from fear....yours or their's.

I am so where you were right now...it hurts so much ...

I'm right there with you Scan. It is so easy to think we are so crazy that we destroy anything good that we touch. The problem is, the things we touch are not actually good, and therefore don't stand a chance.

Scan...
I am very proud of you. Your first sentence shows you have made a breakthrough in looking at the relationship in terms of the part you play. Whether it is in what you do, or what you allow. I know it hurts and it won't be easy, but you are well on your way to becoming a stronger healthy individual.
Who knows, along the way he may see that you have changed and want to be a part of your life again. If not, think of all the growth you will have made. What a wonderful perfect time of year to look forward.
Wishing you all my best for 2008.
Dr. G.

Awww, hon...why do you call yourself "poison"? Is that what HE said? We can't help being the way we are, and we're all human beings, designed to love and be loved. Love yourself, because you're wonderful!

Scan, three months ago I felt the same thing because the person I love got away from me. She couldn't stand me anymore because of my codependency problem. The issue I had to face was guilt, because I know it is my fault that I lost this person. But as I started reading about codependency and trying to understand my toxic behavior, I also understood that the key issue is our low self-esteem. If you feel guilty, your self-esteem will go even worse. Of course I know I am responsible for every action that made him let go of the relationship and stop believing in me, but I learned to use this guilt as an opportunity to improve and grow. I decided that i am not going to be here all my life, crying for my awful mistakes, asking him to forgive me and to believe in me. Sometimes it is too late to recover a relationship because we inflicted too much suffering on others, but it is never too late to think about the future, to believe that we are good people, to believe that we deserve to be happy. The world is full of people, and opportunities to find happiness and to enjoy it will come our way. You know why? Because we deserve it! We cannot control others' thoughts and feelings towards us. Knowing this, I started focusing on myself and started thinking: whatever will be will be. Let go. I am on the process of recovering. And I still talk to him. He is there, although he needs to see that I have changed. I am not going to make promises (I made a lot in the past) or try to prove anything. I will see what happens and in the mean time, I will try to enjoy life and nurture myself, without asking anybody to do it for me...