I really dont know where to start.....I am 34 and for the past 14 years i have been in totally destructive relationships...I grew up in an alcoholic home..when i got into my first realtionship with the mother of my child the only thing i wanted in life was to be loved..My father showed his love growing up by throwing money at me..I realize now that i took that trait and ran with it...When i was old enough to date i would swoop in and rescue the needy girls and provide them a life otherwise they couldnt have and expect emotional availability in return...Didnt work but i continued to try..I would continue to try and throw more lifestyle at them thinking that i would someday get what i thought i deserved...To be loved...When it didnt happen the way i wanted it to i would turn into a verbally abusive and i would turn violent....The resentments would be so deep that i wouldnt at times be able to control the rage inside of me...I have been arrested numerous times for violent acts..In my last relationship i dated an addict..I see now that all i did was try to take care of her..i was like a father...and she was 12 years younger than me...go figure...I would lose myself and my whole identity in her and think of nothing but her and how i could add to her life totally putting my own needs aside...even if it meant me being homeless or carless as long as she was ok so was i...if she wasnt ok then i wasnt either. I ended the relationship just like i have ended all the rest in my life...nasty and resentful and vindictive and just wanting her to hurt! I am in so much pain now becuase the harsh reality is now hitting my in my face and i can no longer deny it...i have been in a 12 step program for 2.5 years now but my problem wasnt a substance...meaning drugs and drinking....i could put it down..i dont feel like i lost the power of choice in that....But i see the pattern and i feel that it is the same obssesion as anything else...i have a god sided hole inside of me and filling it from the outside in will not work...I realize now that the spiritual side of the program can help anyone that suffers from the diease of addiction...no matter how it manifests itself..I dont wish the pain i feel on my worst enemy..but i have to learn that this cycle will not be broken unless i totally change my belief system and adapt a new set of principles in my life....I am just at the beginning of this whole ordeal with my ex and it is sooo uncomfortable...I never felt my whole life that i was worthwhile...now that i think about it i dont think i ever enjoyed life at all....I either was living a lie or i was waiting for the impending doom..either way i was miserable...I dont want to feel alone and i dont want the life i have lived for 34 years either...I just want to be ok and comfortable in my own skin for once in my life.......Thanks for letting me vent and any feedback or identification would be appreciated...thanks
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