sorry pressed wrong button.

As soon as I saw him, i wanted to know everything, where his been what hes been doing for the last month, and on and on and on.

I didnt tell him this, thats just what happens to my head.

You need to make a clean break. Talking to him, seeing him, anything to do with him, sucks you right back in?
What do you want for yourself?

I understand that completely..for me as a codapendent i am under the delusion that some how some day i will beat the game..that i will make her see my way..That the light will go on and she will finally understand where i am coming from. Being as needy as i have been for so long it was never enough..I know i made the right choice in getting out of the relationship and i went cold turkey..I tell myself everyday that it will not work..i carry around index cards in my pocket to remind me of the pain it caused me...why? because i have a built in forgetter..I tend to think about all the good times we had and blot out the bad times..it says in the big book that i cant bring to memory with sufficent force the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago..i am without defense to the first one...And then the craving sets in and i use my drug of choice and then the obsession is on...once the obsession kicks in i am doomed..i have a lack of perception and porportion..i always think the fun will be so huge and the pain minimal..but always in the end the pain is huge and the funny was almost nothing...I need to remember on a daily basis that i am sick and i need help from people in my support group that will keep me accountable for my actions..and of course i need a power greater than myself who i chose to call god today..that is the only thing that kept me alive..truely..I always say pain is going to happen..but suffering is optional..i need to stop doing whats familiar and start going against the grain and i will get a different result...i am a fear based person and i run my life on fear...Fear is the root of all my pain..I need to continue to practice honesty with people and honesty with myself if i am going to arrest this disease..i have a daily reprive contingent on my spiritual condition..i learned that i need to suit up and show up and not run the show anymore..self will gets me pain..gods will gets me joy..the pain comes when i stop giving my will up..when i try to run the show..i am the actor and god is the director..he is either everything or he is nothing...whats my choice to be....hugs
your doing fine..identifying the behavior is huge..keep on keeping on...
james

Thanks for the words of wisdom x

Been there done that, got the T-Shirt. For me the best way to keep moving forward was t completely cut off contact with her. I have had too many "Back today ones" over the past few years. I find it so emotionally and physically draining afterwards. Could sleep for a week after each encounter.