Codependency Support Group
Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...
Hi all, this is my first time posting, so here goes. My partner of 8 1/2 years recently entered rehab in AZ (I live in Canada). He originally went down for a 30 day program for crack cocaine and alcohol abuse. Everything seemed to be great, he was feeling emotionally and physically well again, and I went down for a 4 day family program which I got a lot from. It was enlightening, educational and helpful. It was there that I realized I too had a disease - Codependency. Anyway, after the 30 days, it was recommended that he continue a 90 day extended care program. I understand that he needs to do this to be the best he can be and fight his addictions in a safe atmosphere, but since his new program I feel shut out from the facility as well as by my partner. He says he hates it, but is doing the work he has to do so he can just come home. I guess he has the choice to leave as everyone does, but his work insisted that he stay with the program so that is why he is.
So, it's now been 50 days since I've seen him (we do generally talk daily, but for 5-10 min.) and I have another 40+ days to go before he comes home. He says that he doesn't want me to come down and visit, they are allowed weekly sunday visits. He says seeing me would be to hard for him to focus on the program and it would just make him want to come home to me. Somedays, I understand where he's coming from, but others I just can't seemed to understand WHY he wouldn't just want to see me.
I feel what about ME, where do my wants fit in here. Is it ALWAYS about the addict? Where do the significant others fit in? Especially when it is us who has been affected the MOST by their addictions. Why is it the support and empathy surrounds them, but not us. It is really frustrating sometimes. I have been left here to deal with everything. I acknowledge, praise and support his efforts daily, but he has not once done the same for me. Is this what I have to look forward to? I lost the love of my life to his addictions, now have I lost him to his recovery? I feel selfish have these feelings, but being newly aware of my codependency I have finally started to think about myself - probably for the first time EVER!
Has anyone else been in this position or have any advice, suggestions? I see a counselor weekly, who seems to shed some light on the thoughts of an addict, but I would like some personal feedback. I would really appreciate any advice at all - thanks in advance.
So, it's now been 50 days since I've seen him (we do generally talk daily, but for 5-10 min.) and I have another 40+ days to go before he comes home. He says that he doesn't want me to come down and visit, they are allowed weekly sunday visits. He says seeing me would be to hard for him to focus on the program and it would just make him want to come home to me. Somedays, I understand where he's coming from, but others I just can't seemed to understand WHY he wouldn't just want to see me.
I feel what about ME, where do my wants fit in here. Is it ALWAYS about the addict? Where do the significant others fit in? Especially when it is us who has been affected the MOST by their addictions. Why is it the support and empathy surrounds them, but not us. It is really frustrating sometimes. I have been left here to deal with everything. I acknowledge, praise and support his efforts daily, but he has not once done the same for me. Is this what I have to look forward to? I lost the love of my life to his addictions, now have I lost him to his recovery? I feel selfish have these feelings, but being newly aware of my codependency I have finally started to think about myself - probably for the first time EVER!
Has anyone else been in this position or have any advice, suggestions? I see a counselor weekly, who seems to shed some light on the thoughts of an addict, but I would like some personal feedback. I would really appreciate any advice at all - thanks in advance.
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I have been here before, a long long time ago and now I am back.Forgive me for not just saying what I want to say,even under a triple dose of antidepressants it is still raw and seeping and I am hesitant at revealing it as at least under the bandages around my heart I don,t have to look at how raw and wounded.My child was cleaved from my heart by his own actions. my child of ten,turning eleven...
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theatre and I are there already. I'm having a very berry tea with crackers, cheese and cherry tomatoes and she's having a joint with some beer and we're both on really comfy recliners on thick pile carpet. we need some help with the decor if anyone is around??
But I will have some thoughts to add to this thread . There was another member here ( sorry I am new here , and can't recall the name off the top of my head without going back to check , I think it might have been POsoldlady ? ) that had some similiar feelings about the intreatment rehab treatment .
I also felt this way . And my Dad had told me t hat his ex had expressed feeling the same feelings when my Dad was in rehab.
It seems to me to be a common trend in this rehab business. Its too bad that these programs don't design a program that the family and codependents ( wives , and children etc. ) could be part of , seems to me it could only cause more problems and contribute to the relapse %'s if on top of everything else they have significant others at home who are upset , feeling left out , sad and aren't being included enough on some level with the addicts recovery. ( I am considering the fact that recovery for an addict is a personal thing etc.. but still, familys and marriages , children and significant others shouldn't be made to feel discarded and alone in the process ) .
more later .. sorry got to get baby to sleep ..
Hugs to you , you are SO not alone in feeling this way , it seems to be common !
Addicts are 2 totally different people. When they are not using their likes, dislikes and needs are completely different.. he is growing and you should be to. Sometimes as sad as it may seem, people grow apart. But one thing, the end of something is the beginning of something new and opens all kinds of possibilities!
Stay strong.
Even though I am afraid to believe it , it seems that DF is not at allllll the same person I met . He was high whenI met him, he was all over me , a charmer , 10 ft tall and bullet proof .
Then as he tried to sober up ( I say tried , because he has lots of relapses, but isn't as "high" as he use to be ) ... he started being distant , detached, grumpy all the time , unaffectionate, unsexual , non intimate . He was somewhat of a neat finatic ( not at all like when I met him ) , he seems not to enjoy anything about me now , when he use to act like I was his world when high .
Funny thing is I have been the same person generally , he did all the changing .
yep 2 different people high /sober .