Codependency Support Group
Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...
Ok well here I am. I have no idea waht to do next but I am lost. Like theres no point going on but obviously I will.
I am 43 and I guess chronic codependent. I have screwed up every relationship I ever had with it, I just never wanted to admit how big a problem I had.
I was brought up in a emotionally turbullent family, always the peace maker between mum and dad, the medaitor and in addition was brought up as a Jehovahs Witness. Always felt like I was failing, either failing God or my parents. I guess I quickly developed a double life, the one acceptable to my family and the one I thought would help me survive.
I met a girl and settled down, only to find that she had suffered serious abuse for 13 years at the hands of her Witness father. This sent me over the edge, yet again I couldnt trust anyone..its longer than that but for now that will do.
I became a compulsive gambler and ended up in prison twice.
I got divorced and remarried but found it hard, no impossible to be normal. I dont even know what that is, I never did. Iacted like the life and soul of the party but inside I was nothing, I am nothing. That marriage ended and then I met my present partner.
She is wonderful, and I mean wonderful, everything I told myself I needed to be ok. I was gambling agin when I met her, but it all came out and she stood by me. But still I find it impossible to control myself, my actions, my mouth everything. I said I would stop smoking and used the excuse of withdrawals for venting my rage inside me. My hatred of who I am, the futile life I lead.
I have been clean from Gambling for over a year, and have tried to quit smoking more times than is sensible and I am fine until i hear criticism, then I explode. If she is happy with me I am fine, and if I displease her I fall apart. I am scared of every male she comes into contact with as seeing them both as a threat and better than me.
In truth anyone is bette rthan me at the moment. When I am with her (she lives in Slovakia and I live in UK) then I seem to do better but when she goes I get lost, dont take care of myself, smoke like an addict and generally fall aaprt. I lie to her about my being clean from smoking as I want to be the hero...something I am not.
Last night it blew up again, I went on her computer and found a message from a guy who flirts with her, it sent me over the edge. I said "why dont you stop him doing this? Do you like it is it going somewhere?" I read her responses to him and they seemed lukewarm at best, not encouraging and not discouraging. I found he is at a conference with her this weekend and feel terrified, but last night I erupted and pushed her (she says hit and I guess she is right0 I have never before in a relationship raised my hand but in this I have done so a number of times.
Today I finally admit I am codependent and very sick, she says she will be my friend but not partner as I dont know what real love means. I am so scared about this weekend, about my life about losing her that it hurts like a pain I have ever felt.
Is there any hope? what can I do? should I be a man and just walk and give her the peace she deserves?
43 and pathetic
I am 43 and I guess chronic codependent. I have screwed up every relationship I ever had with it, I just never wanted to admit how big a problem I had.
I was brought up in a emotionally turbullent family, always the peace maker between mum and dad, the medaitor and in addition was brought up as a Jehovahs Witness. Always felt like I was failing, either failing God or my parents. I guess I quickly developed a double life, the one acceptable to my family and the one I thought would help me survive.
I met a girl and settled down, only to find that she had suffered serious abuse for 13 years at the hands of her Witness father. This sent me over the edge, yet again I couldnt trust anyone..its longer than that but for now that will do.
I became a compulsive gambler and ended up in prison twice.
I got divorced and remarried but found it hard, no impossible to be normal. I dont even know what that is, I never did. Iacted like the life and soul of the party but inside I was nothing, I am nothing. That marriage ended and then I met my present partner.
She is wonderful, and I mean wonderful, everything I told myself I needed to be ok. I was gambling agin when I met her, but it all came out and she stood by me. But still I find it impossible to control myself, my actions, my mouth everything. I said I would stop smoking and used the excuse of withdrawals for venting my rage inside me. My hatred of who I am, the futile life I lead.
I have been clean from Gambling for over a year, and have tried to quit smoking more times than is sensible and I am fine until i hear criticism, then I explode. If she is happy with me I am fine, and if I displease her I fall apart. I am scared of every male she comes into contact with as seeing them both as a threat and better than me.
In truth anyone is bette rthan me at the moment. When I am with her (she lives in Slovakia and I live in UK) then I seem to do better but when she goes I get lost, dont take care of myself, smoke like an addict and generally fall aaprt. I lie to her about my being clean from smoking as I want to be the hero...something I am not.
Last night it blew up again, I went on her computer and found a message from a guy who flirts with her, it sent me over the edge. I said "why dont you stop him doing this? Do you like it is it going somewhere?" I read her responses to him and they seemed lukewarm at best, not encouraging and not discouraging. I found he is at a conference with her this weekend and feel terrified, but last night I erupted and pushed her (she says hit and I guess she is right0 I have never before in a relationship raised my hand but in this I have done so a number of times.
Today I finally admit I am codependent and very sick, she says she will be my friend but not partner as I dont know what real love means. I am so scared about this weekend, about my life about losing her that it hurts like a pain I have ever felt.
Is there any hope? what can I do? should I be a man and just walk and give her the peace she deserves?
43 and pathetic
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theatre and I are there already. I'm having a very berry tea with crackers, cheese and cherry tomatoes and she's having a joint with some beer and we're both on really comfy recliners on thick pile carpet. we need some help with the decor if anyone is around??
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I'm trying to exercise daily. I was doing fairly well until I sprained my ankle 2 weeks ago but now I'm getting back on the horse. Today I walked over a mile with my arm weights that are about 22lbs total. I was out of shape and it was hard on my arms. I also did my 30 situps. I'm also going to drink a lot of water and try to eat healthy. I do tend to have a sweet tooth but I'm cutting...
You have a long history of abuse; you may be an abuser at this stage yourself --
Will you find some help for yourself? Begin working with a counselor, join a codepenedent group, or any group that focuses on bettering oneself for that matter...Can you stop the self critizim?
Head up friend -- keep coming back here - spilling, reading and learning too.
Please pat yourself on the back for taking the fist step today and admitting. But it takes more than that to change my friend.
We need to be good to ourselves before we can be good to another.
You will unlearn your harsh habits one day at a time.
Please come back and share.
a 12 step program would certainly help with most of your issues. and counseling would give you one on one.
i'm no different than you are, perhaps worse.
all of us here are sick. but we are trying to get better one day at a time.
it's fine to feel down, but beating up on yourself gets you nowhere fast and gives us an excuse to just act out.
i wish you peace and hope and joy....
as for being a "man"...i think the "human" thing to do is come absolutely clean. as terrifying as it is, then YOU will know what SHE deserves....
hope that makes sense to you.
you are not alone.
keep coming here, keep reading the posts , keep relating to other codependents, find comfort in that you are not crazy ,there is a name for the distress you are under.
AND there is healing in understanding , accepting , and changing the behaviours .
This community and the people here are truly a god send . Stick around and keep learning, read some of the books that are suggested , like "Codependent No More " and there are many others . That one is a good one to start with .
8 weeks ago when I split it off with my DF I was a MESS, I was SO sad and depressed. I was irritable , resentful , scared , alone , and very desperate to try to "make" him fight for me back .
I didn't dare to let him go , funny part is that recently since using alot of the new recovery behaviours , following the advice of the people here that are further into recovery than me , I have been able to let go alot , and by doing that strangely enough HE is the one crying , and he is the one missing ME , and he is the one who is sad and depressed , I am feeling much better and stronger by the day .
like I said , please stick around , you really sound like you belong here. Its very painful the spot you are in . But you can grow beyond this :-)
You've just got to be dedicated to changing your old behaviours and reactions . You can do it , you'll see :-)
take care
I have in the past started to have counselling and I belong to GA. Until now I wanted to blame the addictions for who I am, not realising the addictions are a manifestation of my whole life problem.
My girlfriend went away last night and it was painful, she's only away a couple of days but for the first time I am honest about how stupid and sick I feel.
I spent the night splitting between healthy reading on my issues and the help I am now getting and the wild fantasies of the pain I will have when I find she rejects me.
It took until about 4 am before I was so mentally exhausted to close my eyes and then I woke up 45 mins later thinking it was time to get up.
Today I started writing honestly about the feelings I have, the lack of connection and loss that I feel. Not in a self pitying way but somehow to try and understand the pointlessness I feel.
Anyway I am rambling..I am grateful and very scared, and trying hard not to hate myself. This doesnt mean I dont hate what I have done, but I cant change the actions if I dont change within right?
i am deep into beating myself up and and sometimes surprise myself at just how fast i will verbally disparage myself as "stupd, and asshole, a failure..etc etc" for the smallest infraction.
thank you for sharing. you make me feel like i'm not alone.