Checked Email, not mail. sorry.

tell her to change her password

Hi, What do you expect to find that would say/mean something about you and your relationship with her?

Keep the focus on you. Not her. Deal with your issues not hers. Stop looking for trouble!

I agree with Lori. Deal with your issues. The things you do are the things my husband does. It is nothing good. But your here so that says a lot. I wish my husband was at the point that you are. Stay Strong!!!

Thanks Lori, Frances and ann.

I don't know what I'm looking to find, message to a friend saying something about us or something. I'm acting really insecure, I'm stopping it now.

Talked with her a bit, I'm still fighting the funk a bit. She said I'm driving her batty with analyzing these things so much. I am, I'm driving myself nuts more then anything. OK, gona be strong and no more of this. Work issue is temporary, gonna get back on my feet and get to being me. I've gotten almost too domesticated the last year. I need to get back to some guy stuff. lol :-P

That is very important. Get back to guy stuff but on a positive and productive level. She said she wants you to stay so see it for what it is.

omg this so reminds me of me!! I remember one relationship I was in..10 years ago now..I could scan the whole computer looking for inciminating evidence. This boyfriend I had before this one was a porn/sex addict..which is a whole other insane story..so when I got with this new guy..I was SO paranoid. I would look in the internet temp files to see if there was anything there. It was so nuts. I never found anything! Nothing! I would search the apartment as well looking for anything..I kept doing it for as long as I was with him. Never found a freaking thing. Crazy.

I'm very concerned because living with suspicion of a s/o or spouse can be very damaging to a relationship. Has she ever given you a reason not to trust? If not, this may just be an old habit from past relationships that you are projecting on to her. Be careful, you do not want to suffocate her or drive her away. Individual therapy sounds in order.

I am driving her away, and I know it. I'm driving her batty as she puts it, and she does not understand. She's never given me a reason to distrust, almost the opposite. She communicated most everything to me even if it's something I may not be thrilled about.

It's an old habit to some degree. Just have not been in a relationship I cared about in so long to have to deal with this. It's been about 10 years I'd say.

When she backs off I get paniced and down. Thats the funk I've talked about in the past. this pushes her away more and I try harder to be close it's a viscious circle I tell ya.

I'm doing personal therapy, but I'm not there with it yet. I'm told I have to love myself and such but I think I do. I'm just awfully emotional when I feel rejected. Been dealing with all this about a month or so. Fighting it, but don't see why things are not coming a round a little at this point.

She told me she is a patient person and is not giving me a timeframe of altimatum at all but she hopes I come back around soon. I feel like I'm this way because of how shes reacting to me now.

see the circle. jeez.
I'm almost tired of thinking about all this as much as I do, I'm analyzing everything and driving myself nuts too. :-(

mpmc, i struggle with the same issues you do. i've been in recovery almost 9 months (YAY!) which has included therapy, this site, meditation, reading, journaling etc. it takes time and it takes work.
checking her email is a compulsion, just like the need to take a drink.
you wouldn't tell a drunk to just "stop drinking" so be kind to yourself.
this is going to take time.
one day at a time.
each day you work it gets a bit easier the next day, then harder the next, then easier.
but, back to your issue:
we get enmeshed with someone when their feelings dictate ours....when we get in "funks" because of what THEY say or do.
so, first we have to learn to love ourselves and accept ourselves and then we aren't flopping like a flag everytime the wind blows....
we are steady. when we feel affected by someone else's stuff we take time out and determine why it is affecting us rather than just reacting (taking a drink, checking their email, screaming out at them).....we internalize the issue.
then we can calmly and within healthy boundaries respond. it takes honesty and a willingness to be vulnerable.....
" i know i'm wearing you out sometimes but i just need a little patience to get this sorted out within myself a gentle reminder that i am XXXXX again or some feedback from you always helps. i love you very much and that is why i am stepping out of my comfort zone and being vulnerable with you. handle me with care"
there is not a decent human being on the earth who cannot helped but feel loved and trusted (rather than manipulated and controlled) from that type of statement.
obviously she cares and is accepting.....
keep on keeping on. it's truly one day at a time dear.
blessings.

not sure how this all works, my first day here, but if you can get to my profile MariaSeattle, you will understand MY reason for hacking into my husband's emailing, it's for survival

This is one of the reasons I have been avoiding a relationship like the plague. I would immediatly go into poke, pry, snoop, and doubt mode. I trust no one.
I hope someday I can. but not today.

I am with you. I have the same compulsion. I suggest just try not to look for one day. Trick yourself to wait till tomorrow then see if you feel any better tomorrow.

Wow! I am amazed how many people have the same compulsions as I do. I do not trust anyone either - no one! In relationships with men, I am always suspicious and think they are all lying to me - no matter what they tell me! It sometimes drives me so crazy and I have done things to try and catch them in lies or try to find stuff they might be hiding or catch them someplace I think they shouldn't be. I have some really bad days sometimes - I will leave work to try and catch them or not go to work at all! when I think about all this it really bothers me, it's like I've had some curse put on me or something and I wonder why I care at all - why not just let it (whatever it is) happen and go from there! I don't know why I have such fears! I hate to be lied too. Sometimes it seems like I can't even control my own thoughts or actions when it comes to these fears!! This site has given me alot of insights and of course reading, talking with people who will listen helps! Thank you all for sharing your situations. I know I am not alone in my struggle!!