Hello.

I just joined this group, and have just recently started counseling. I'm just now finding the truths and realities of codependancy. I've been a jealous person in the past, and passed it off as normal. I'm in a realationship now with a woman who I consider an angel to me, however as time has worn on the strengths she seen in me and affection she's adored now come across as neediness... and I think she's right. I recently blew up because she chose to take her son to a concert instead of me. She was honest and said she'd have more fun with him right now, this is something shes always done with him even before I was around. I've worn her thin, and to the point of breaking. As I feel her slip further away, I feel a sheer panic come over me and try harder and harder to bring her back. We've lived together for some time now, me moving into her place and I feel like I've lost my identity. If we split I don't know where I'll go and don't know how I'll manage emotionally. I've dropped 15 pounds the last few weeks simply from the stress and lack of appetite. I'm scared of being alone and mortified of the thought of someone else taking my place in her life. I'm told I'm not a happy person, and she wants the man I used to be back. Right now my life is in shambles and I don't know where to begin fixing it.

My therapist says I need to find happiness within myself, so I can share with another person. That I'm finding happiness in others.
I don't know how to find happiness in myself, I thought I was ok. I could not tell you the last time I did not have a companion though.

I was married for 10 years, miserably. I loved my kids and stuck it out for their benefit but could not do so with a person that was cold and unloving anymore. I felt pushed off and neglected, so spent as much time as I could away once they were asleep. Me being alive to type this message is amazing, as I saturated myself in a life of adventure and risk taking.
I've spent many nights running my bike at 175+ MPH down the expressway trying to fill a void.
It never happened. Every close call was satisfaction, but that faded just as quick. I was empty and felt dead inside. After stepping away from my marriage I though I was on top, I met a girl that treated me exactly how I expected, and settled into a life of more normalcy. My ex and my kids moved 16 hours away, and I miss my kids terribly. I've used my partner as a crutch, and need help getting myself well. I see her happy and cheerful with her kids and friends, but annoyed by me. She's suger coated it everyway she could, being conscience of my feelings and not wanting to hurt me... but the reality is I need to help myself. Shes explained it over and over, and has now told me she is emotionally stepping away because I cannot bring her down with me. That hurts... but I understand. I love her, and dont want her unhappy because of me.

I've stopped all of the things I used to do to conform to her home life better... things I wanted to be doing, but my extremes have now shifted from all of me to none of me. I was fine with that when I had her acceptance, but that's unhealthy. I'm tired of hurting, and hate Im as emotional as I am. Ive sabatoged relationships over and over often times being told I'm suffocating. If I did not receive every bit of a persons love and affection I felt something was wrong and began analyzing every detail to figure out why. Always being scared of losing them.

I could go on and on, but will not.
Thank You so much for listening...