Think, think, think, think, think. That is all I do. I can't eat, can't sleep, have stopped cleaning, my bedroom has become a dropping ground for everything, I couldn't sleep in there if I wanted to. I am behind on my school work. Think, think, think, I can't stop thinking. Is it even thinking? Dwelling. Torturing myself.

there is something that i do(and my girlfriend has adopted)... but when i realize i am thinking too much
i stop whatever i was talking about, say "overthinking complete", and then change the topic of whatever i was talking about.

That's not going to work. I have to find a solution. I can't just abandon the issue. My life is a mess because of it.

well... most times there isn't a solution... just time... the whole overthinking things... it is about control, and wanting to make sure every aspect of one's life is covered.... but it doesn't work out like that... at all.
In reality we have very little control over our lives... they go where the sands of time and winds of fate dictate... when we overthink, it is usually about a problem that we already know the answer to, just don't like it, so we try to figure out another one.

Yes. It is about me not being at peace with what the answer is. See, there is my ex-husband, who I think you already know, at least well enough, and then there is this other man. The one I met when I was strong, the one that loves me for who I am and communicates with me...well, this is obviously not something that sits well with my ex, and the fact that he and I have children, he uses that to let me know how much he doesn't like it. So what do I do, I pull away from this nice guy, and bend over backwards to try to make it work with my ex, with it always ending the same way...him yelling, me crying, him right, me wrong.

well... let me see the best way to put this... ah yes... i think the british way would be best...
F*ck off you wanker!
Yep, i think that would be the best reply to the ex

Hi tortured. They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Now, with that being said, may I suggest that you get and read the book Codependent No More. It IS a wonderful book, and I know when I read it I felt like that lady really knew how I felt and what I needed to work through.

The thing is, and I have been there, we seem to grab ahold of what is familiar. We fall back into our old patterns until we understand why we do this. And until we understand why we do this, chances are we will repeat the pattern, no matter how unhappy we are. Change is hard.

I don't think we can manage any relationship until we are willing to step OUT of it, and be alone with ourselves for a while. We also really need to break things down to ONE day at a time. Trying to project and look ahead only keeps us stuck and we lose ourselves.
In time, we DO know what we want if we are willing to give all that love that we give to others and turn that inward.

We remain confused also, as long as we keep the focus on another person. We need to nurture ourselves, get to know and love ourselves before we can begin to make a relationship work in a healthy way. In short, we just run around in circles, feeling crazy, unless we STOP and start over.

When we rely that much on another person for our happiness it is not fair to us OR to the other person that has to carry that load.

I say all of this with great compassion and honesty. I have been there. You can get better when you decide to put this energy into who you are, and really working on that.
I wish you the best..
EllaBlue

I am compelled to offer a differing perspective on fate and life direction than jimmysquirrle offered...sorry jimmysquirrle, really no offense, but the moment she, myself or anyone else believes that life is predestinded and we are fated to be just what we are and have no control over our futures is when we are most out of control of ourselves...if I am destined to be a miserable, lonely soul who is so needy she can't make any relationship healthy...well, just eww, why am I doing all this work if I have no control and I'm fated to be the old retched cat lady...I beleive in a sense of fate and we go through what we do to learn and move forward but I MUST believe I have control of where I end up ultimately; I decide my happiness and successes. Everyone does.

i am not saying predestination (i don't believe in it myslef)... whati am talking about is more the chaos theory.... so many influences, that affect everything every single day... that make it impossible to control what is going on around us, just how we react to what happens becomes what is done most of the time

ahh, i see says the blind man...;o)
i read the initial post like, 'oh, well we have no control'...
of course we have no control over everything around us, but we do control whether it remains around us and how it affects us...

yeah... i din't go over that... felt like it might be too much to begin with :P

No, you don't love and need him. You are having a relapse into your addiction to him and the drama of him.

If you know the 12 steps, take the first 3. Then clean your bedroom and do your school work. Go to a 12 step meeting.