Step 1: 12 Steps to Co-Dependancy

I am writing this in the third person's perspective:

Ruby's Story

Ruby is part-time photographer in her late twenties. It took her 14 years to accept her life as unmanagable. During most of those years she had suffered through depression, multiple suicide attempts, denial, lonelyness, and pain.

Ruby's father, Charlie, was a engineer who had emotinally abandoned her and her mother, and was unable to cope with his wife being sick. He often used inappropriate humor to 'lighten' the gravity of the situation. Ruby often felt unloved, unwanted, and angry with her father throughout her childhood and teenage years.

Ruby's mother, Cecilia, had graduated with a master degree in medicine and was a nurse in a local hospital. Cecilia always loving and kind. She put everyone else before herself and showed Ruby so much love and attention. Ruby grew up wanting to be just like her mom.

Ruby had an older sister Becky who is a successful architect. Ruby is proud of her sister but has never told her directly. She has also never admitted to her sister that she looks up to her and enjoys spending time with her. Ruby and Becky grew up with two very different lives. They lived in the same home, but shared no similar interests, and they had many dissagreements as they grew up.

When Ruby was 14 years of age her mother passed away after fighting a loosing battle with Cancer. She had fought valiantly, taking medication, chemotherapy, and other forms of treatment. She endoured so much pain yet she still found ways to comfort Ruby when she needed love and support. Before her death she sat down with her daughter and discussed the possiblity of her dying. She wanted to know if Ruby would be alright and if she wanted to live with her Aunt Beth in Hawaii. Unfortunatly, or maybe it was Gods will, this plan never came into fruition. After her death Ruby lived with her father for several years until moving out with friends when she was 16.

The night her mother died Ruby remembers a voice telling her to sleep downstairs on the couch next to her mother. The next morning her mother died with a smile. Ruby believes that Gods angels came to take her to heaven where she was met by her loved ones who had already passed years earlier.

"When I was young I believed that I had the power to control my moms healing. I used subtle ways to convince her that she was getting better such as having people sign get well cards, and using my watch to reflect a halo on Jesus's head in the hospital. I felt that if she believed she was going to get well than she would start to heal again and the cancer would go back into remission." said Ruby.

"When she was dying I neglected my childhood. I concentrated all my efforts on her well being and growing up. I was asked once who took care of me during this time and my reply was "nobody". It was my duty to ensure she was fed, bathed, medicated on time, read to, etc. I loved her so much. Loosing my childhood was a small price to pay in comparison to the health and safety of my mother. I loved her and that is all that mattered. I neglected my schoolwork, my friends, my health, and emotionally wellbeing. I even prayed for God to take me instead of her. After she died I sufferered through so much depression, and even attempted suicide. I wanted to die. Nothing else mattered. I lost my mom." said Ruby.

All of Rubys efforts to heal her mother had gone unrewarded. After her moms death, Ruby would lock herself in her room for several days at at time loosing herself on the internet. She didn't care if someone from the internet came and killed her. She felt death would be better than living without her mom. She didn't care how she looked, nor did she care if she looked 'silly' wearing her mothers ski coat to school. "I wanted to hide so badly. I didn't want anyone to notice me. I thought I would become invisible by wearing her coat." Said Ruby. "I became a victim of my mothers death. I still can't imagine what it would be like to live after 45 years of age, the age my mom died. Nor can I imagine what it would be like to be 50 years old and still be able to talk to my mom over the phone or invite her over for tea."

Ruby's father by all accounts seemed to withdraw further from the situation. His attempts at humor were hurtful and were a blatant disregard for others feelings. He often told Ruby to grab he videocamera to record her mother before she died, and even once told her that he ought to buy a gun so she could shoot herself. Charlie, unfortunatly had also suffered a physically and emotionally abusive childhood and never learned to cope with any emotional issues. "I still have trouble setting boundaries with my father, I usually end up not talking to him when what I really want to say is need time to heal and what he did was wrong and hurtful. I realize I am looking for validation or at least an apology that in truth I know I will never get" said Ruby. "I felt victimized by him. I wanted love and compassion not hatred, pain, and abandonment."

As Ruby grew up she befriended police officers thinking that they could "rescue" her from her father if she ever needed rescuing. "I remember my father forgetting to pick me up from the college. My class ended at 9:30 and it was 1:00 in the morning when the campus police came by and asked me if I was ok. I cried and told them I needed a ride home" Ruby said. "Teary eyed I called on my friends to help. Thankfully they drove me to my home a half hour away. The next morning my father had left a message at 6 am saying he apologized and that he forgot to pick me up. He was busy in LA. I am still angry about what happened. I dont think confronting my father will be benificial to me at this point."

When Ruby was growing up she remembers befriending two boys who reluclantly showed her their fathers "nudy" magazine
. "I remember thinking that this was all women were good for and that was what "men" wanted from women. Nothing could be farther from the truth. But in that instant I had a made a life changing decision that would affect me for the rest of my childhood and early adulthood. I began to hate men. I didn't want to be used by them. I refused to wear skirts. I refused to dress or act like a girl. I hid my sexuality in shame" said Ruby.

Rubys attempts to cover herself resulted in much ridicule at school. She was made fun of, tripped, humiliated, even spit on by schoolmates. Ruby withdrew from her school as a result her grades declined and she didn't graduate high school in time due to a failed english course.

"I still have a strong inherent distrust for people, especially men. I wanted to be loved but felt that I was no better than a whore. I wanted respect but didn't respect myself enough to realize that I was causing this vicous cycle. By perpetuating my thoughts, my behaviors reflected my self hatred in my daily routines. I didn't care how I looked. I didn't care what people thought about me. I thought if they liked me they would accept me for who I was. In truth I hated being a women. I thought I should have been born a male" said Ruby.

Ruby eventually found herself working for a government contractor and under a supervisor who showed little regard for women. Blake, her supervisor had even bragged to a coworker about how "he" would be the one to have sex with Ruby. When Ruby started dating another coworker, Alfred, who she eventually married, Blake did everything he could to get her fired. "I thought it was love at first sight. I was 19 years old and didn't realize that what I was feeling was lonelyness not affection for this man. I didn't want to be alone. I did everything I could to be with him. I thought I was happy not being alone" said Ruby.

After the 'happy couple' married they moved to Northern California where her husband became an apartment manager. Ruby's lonelyness quickly returned. She found herself again emotionally abandoned. She tried hard to share his interests. She even 'studied' football, basketball, and other sports. She ignored her feelings and would do things based on what Alfred would want to do. If he wanted to go to the movies instead of hiking, they would go.

"I wanted to be happy. I thought that by adopting his wants and needs, as well as ensuring his happiness I would find mine in return. But I began to feel lonely and depressed. I wanted to share my love for the outdoors with him. I wanted the freedom to explore my surroundings with my husband. All he wanted to do on his spare time is watch sports and talk to his friends on the phone in spanish. I felt so left out of his conversations. I begged him to speak english but he often refused."

Ruby was so lonely that she found it hard to even be on the other side of a store without her husband, and had placed her emotional needs on her husband. She felt her happiness soar when he would compliment her and sink quickly when he would ignore her. I tried to control his happiness and yet I felt I became a victim by ignoring mine. After four unhappy years of marriage, and two failed pregnancies, Alfred demanded a divorce. Ruby begged and pleaded to stay married. "I still didn't realize how unhappy and lonely I was. Every ounce of happiness was gained from being with my husband. I never realized I couldn't control his feelings or emotions. Instead I had pushed him away."

Ruby tried controlling her husband through anger, tears, and by ignoring her own needs. Even when they were intamite she tried to attend her husbands needs. She did everything she thought a man wanted from a woman, even though she felt she was disgusting, unpure, and felt like she was unworthy of those around her. At the end of her marriage she harbored so much anger that it would affect her work, and other aspects of her life.

A week after she moved out of her husbands apartment, Ruby met Mike. "I was so lonely. I didn't care what happened to me" said Ruby. "But there enlies the danger. When I don't care about myself this is when I often get into trouble. This time though I ignored all the warning signs that would have kept me out of a bad relationship. In my loneliness I met Mike. We spent every free moment together. In the beginning we started hiking, camping, and being a normal couple. I didn't care he was nearly twenty years older than I was."

In time Ruby began to feel her loneliness dissapate. With Mike, Ruby found herself doing everything she wanted to do with someone who cared. Slowely things began to change. Initially Ruby acted as the controller in the relationship. They did everything that Ruby wanted to do. Even though Mike had two blown discs he camped and backpacked and tried his best to ignore the pain he was in. Mike eventually taught Ruby that is was ok to be a woman and that being a woman was something to be proud of.

After a while things began to change. Mike started to be emotionally abusive towards Ruby. Eventually that abuse turned physical. "I risked everything to continue to be with him. I didn't want the shame of another failed relationship. I refused to tell my friends about my relationship with Mike. I didn't want to think badly of him if things started to get better. I hid my shame, never spoke badly about him up until a few months ago when I confided in a coworker." Said Ruby. "Everything that I would confide to Mike would eventually be said back to me during an argument. I began to feel and believe everything Mike said about me. I felt terrible about myself. I believed that since Mike knows me and dislikes me everyone else would too. To this day his words haunt me."

In wanting to save her relationship with Mike, Ruby would try to appease him, and make decisions based on what she felt he wanted. Everything she did centered around making Mike happy. Mikes anger turned so violent that Ruby would often go to work with bruises. She would tell her coworkers that she had bad eyesight and would bruise easily. "I would cry in the bathroom during my breaks at work or cry in my car at lunch. I tried so many times to leave but found that I was emotionally drawn back to him. I hoped that things could change. I hoped he would get better or would convince myself that I was overreacting" said Ruby. "I began to play both the subtle controller to save the relationship and victim when everything would go terribly wrong."

Ruby eventually found Dailystrength.org, a website where she found comfort with friends online who she felt understood her and validated everything she had gone through. "I began to open up emotionally and I felt free to tell these strangers everything. Except I still harbored so much shame about my relationship that each time Mike would leave and return I not say anything about his return. Mike left two times before moving out permanently a few days before Thanksgiving" Ruby said. "I felt so relieved to know he wouldn't hurt me anymore. I was still lonely but it was satisfying to know I could be a parent to Matthew the way I wanted to be. I could love him without someone judging my parenting skills or lack thereof."

Its been almost one week since he left and a few days since Ruby filed for a temporary restraining order against Mike and full custody order of her child. "I am still terrified of what Mike will do once he finds out what I have done. I am worried he will come after me, but I don't want to be scared my entire life. But this is the only way to tell him what he did was wrong. I want him to seek counseling to work on his anger. Once he does that I wouldn't mind if he came to visit his son if he chooses to change his behavior. But I can't do that for him."