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My girlfriend and my mother

Hi all, I'm new to this and this is my first post but I need to make some changes in my life and I feel that this will be a good stepping stone.

So my girlfriend and I will both be 23 this year and we have been together for 4 years. She is the love of my life and I want to spend the rest of my life with her. That being said, we have been going through a rough patch right now that is really starting to divide us.

My girlfriend is not too fond of my mother and my girlfriend believes that my mother is not too fond of her either. Maybe it's not my girlfriend as a person, but my mother just doesn't like the fact that I'm with someone for so long and taking me away from her. Now I understand that this is what mothers do as they have trouble letting go of their oldest son.

The thing that bothers me is that my mother will say these little comments that basically take digs at my girlfriend and for some stupid reason, I can't say what I need to say in order to stand up for my gf and our relationship, as this has happened more than once.

When I tell my gf this, understandably so, she is upset with me because I didn't stand up for her and it kills me inside to know that I have hurt her like this. I realize that I need to start standing up for myself and being more assertive but it's a hard thing to do when you're not used to it.

If this situation ever does come up again where there is a comment made by my mother about my gf, I know that I have to speak up and stand up for her and us, because my gf has told me that that would be the last time if I don't and I can't live with that. I need to start standing up for myself and us not only to help our relationship but to help me too.

The unfortunate part is that I can't easily talk to my mother about this issue as she will deny all the things that she has said or it will be, "Oh I didn't mean it like that," type of response.

Has anyone experienced anything like this?
Thanks! :)

Replies

deleted_user
deleted_user

This happens all the time and is why the Bible tells you to "leave your father and mother and cleave unto your wife." Of course it's a balancing game honoring your mother and cleaving to your wife but isn't balance what life is all about? When your mom is snotty to your girlfriend, just smile and say something like "I'm sure you don't mean to but that comment was a little bit out of line." Your mother will learn the lay of the land pretty quick and will back down since she wants to lose you even less than you want to lose her. As long as you keep it sweet they may even come to bond. Good luck!
LindaJean
LindaJean

ok first of all you are not obligated to share everything your mother says with your girlfriend. It would be my suggestion that you don't.

Your mother is way out of bounds, in my opinion. You have made your choice - and it is none of her business. To take little side-swipes are the person you have chosen is not very respectful of your mother.

If I were you I would sit your mother down and tell her that you realize she has issues with your girlfriend but you don't want to hear about it. You are an adult and you have the right to make your own decisions without any interference from your mother.

I'm a mom - and Im not all that fond of my son's wife - but I would NEVER say anything snide about her to my son. I have plenty of people I can talk about her to - I don't need to do that to my son.

What your mother is doing is very unfair and if you confront her she may, and probably will deny it. That's ok- you know what has been said and you get to trust your own memory about this. But generally if someone is willing to be that negative - odds are they're not going to change. So - I would do my best to ignore her comments - and NEVER repeat anything to your girlfriend. She doesn't need to hear that stuff. Good luck - I hope this works out for you.
deleted_user
deleted_user

Thanks both of you for your replies, they are much appreciated. Linda, I completely agree with you that my gf doesn't have to know everything, but the thing that she really is upset about is the fact that I haven't stood up for her on these types of situations. So my issue is, if something like this pops up again (which is probably will) I feel like I should tell my gf about it to prove to her that I'm doing what I promised I would. Does this make sense?
deleted_user
deleted_user

You definitely need to establish some boundaries with your mother on this issue. I agree w/LindaJean, I would not tell your GF every time your mother says something negative about her. I would, however, confront your mother immediately if she says anything in front of your girlfriend, and make it clear that it is not acceptable behavior. That is a healthy boundary for yourself, and it will show your girlfriend that your priorities are right.
deleted_user
deleted_user

My mom does this with both me and my husband....its uncomfortable and weird. My recommendation is that when you do confront her, because you need to, and she replies with some form of justification of what she said, or how she intended it, reply back with 'it doesn't matter mom, you offended my gf and it needs to stop'. It's clear, firm, and not mean. Whether she meant it harshly or not, doesn't matter, what does matter is she's offensive or hurtful to another - and that should make her reconsider her actions. Your mom is a grown woman and should know to keep her snide comments to herself. If you love this woman, and respect your mom, stand up for it now, because it's only going to be more difficult the longer it goes on.