I'm dealing with massive codependency issues. My life also recently took a horrible turn for the worst. While I have professional help... two therapists and a psychiatrist, I feel like I am stuck and that things will never get better even though intellectually, I know they will.
A little background information about me: I'm 32 and I just had my 5th child. While I was pregnant with my 5th, I found out that my narcissistic spouse had been cheating. I had to fight tooth and nail to find out even part of the extent of his deceit (three females and thousands of dollars paid out when I had to fight him to pay our bills on time), but I found enough truth through his constant lies to warrant kicking him out of the home. Which has left me with an extensive amount of financial strain as bills alone are roughly 6k/month and I was previously JUST a stay at home mother who homeschooled her children whom he didn't want working outside of the home. Needless to say I have been diagnosed with PTSD and major dissociative depression disorder. I have had bouts with overwhelming *PASSIVELY* suicidal thoughts from this and day to day life is still a struggle. My weight has skyrocketed, when normally while I do not lose weight while breastfeeding, I can typically maintain. I am so depressed in every aspect of my life that grasping for hope seems futile. I must deal with my codependency issues now and could use some support. I feel so isolated (which I acknowledge is a lot of my own doing) that I could use some direction on what to do to help myself. i have considered moving away from this area to get away from my Ex but my childrens activities and friends are here, I love my home, and I'm not ready to give up everything that I have accomplished here because of what he did to our family. The fucked up part is that I still love my ex... my ptsd triggers keep me constantly angry and depressed and desperate to get away from him so the conflicting feelings have me in a state of confusion and I feel unable to make any progress because of this.
I would love to hear anything anyone has to say. I just need something that I cannot pinpoint at this time.
So I have recently starting going to AA meetings, but since I quit I started smoking more. I love smoking. I think it is great. It's not like I use it to hide or forget about anything. I enjoy smoking and love how it makes me feel. I understand why my therapist is concerned, because I am replacing alcohol with pot, but I feel completely different when I smoke. When I drink I become a different...