I am not sure where to begin. It was suggested that I come here and vent on my my apparent influences over my husband if that is what it is that I am giveing to him. I did not realize I was in a codependency situation. I guess I have been so wrapped up in helping my husband that I have failed to see that I have allowed him to use me in ways that our not healthy nor acceptable. We have been married for 31 years. In the beginning it was a marriage out of a story book. But in the last few years things have gone drastically wrong. My husband was injured in an accident about 8 years ago. His parents passed away 2 years ago. He had an affair one year ago. He drinks often, smokes pot, and sits at home feeling sorry for himself expecting me to wait on him hand and foot. He is verbally abusive. When ever we go to one of my family functions he drinks his Crown Royal and gets out of line. He demeans me, embaresses me and treats me like crap. I get upset, he blames me and then I lock myself in my room feeling sorry for myself. When he is not drinking he sleeps, watches tv and yells at me or ignores my feelings. I have told him that we need counseling as our relationship has gone down hill since his affair. He refuses any help from all of the outside world. He claims he never had sex with this other woman but seen her for almost a year paying for a home for her to live in, texting her day in and day out, setting up a po box so he could write her when she was in jail and told our 5 grown chldren to keep it a secret from me. He hid it from me and when I found out claimed he did nothing wrong. I know that this is considered an emotional affair I think. I have a hard time trusting him. I feel trapped in a situation where I do not know what to do. The unknown scares me. I don't know what will happen if I stay. I don't know what will happen if I leave. He once told me he would die if I ever left him. We have 5 grown children that all feel as if he treats me badly and have asked why do I stay with him. I am so affraid of what my future holds. Recently I was told I might have MS. I have asthma and my health is getting worse day by day. I feel as if he does nothing to support me. I have been the one to hold this family together. If I leave what will happen to us, to him, to me? I know that there are others out there that have similiar situations and that I am probably a fool for staying in a relationship that is hurtful toward me. But I worry what will happen to my husband if I leave him. I feel as if he will not be able to cope if I leave. I feel trapped. I hate that he drinks and smokes. What can I do? Sorry this is so long but I did not want to leave anything out. Please understand that it's not that I want people to feel sorry for me I just want this to all go away and for me to be happy. It has been so long since I have had happiness in my life. I look forward each and everyday to leaving to go to my 40 hour a week job. So you see I also financially support my husband as well. I just don't know anymore. Again sorry this is so long. I wish I had answers but I know those must come from within and that I need to be strong and find ways to make things right for myself. But where do I begin? What do I do? Thanks for reading this long entry and for any imput you may have. Lost and confused.
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