I have recently discovered that I am a codependent. I have been married to my husband, who is an addict, for 3 years now. I am 21 and we have 2 kids together.. 2 years old and 1 month old. I am confused because he has battled with his addiction the whole 3 years and it has been so destructive to not only my marriage, but to myself as well. I am at a place now where the only thing I can focus on is him [what is he doing? who is he with? is he high?... if not.. when is the next time he is going to be high, where is he going, is he ever going to stop, does he really love me or not, etc...] and it is eating away at me. He has been sober before, for a short period of time and he was a completely different person... we were happy together, but it never lasts. I am so tired of living like this. I have wanted to leave him and be on my own for so long, but it is almost as if I cannot walk away from him, no matter how hard I have tried. I have either felt like I am abandoning him when he needs me, or that I have to stay because the kids, or I love him too much, or some other excuse. I have this faith that he will "change", which I am sure everyone has heard before, but my faith and hope has been exhausted. As much as I know I love him, sometimes I feel as if his addiction and the way it has affected me has made me hate him in some ways. I know I resent him so much. I just wonder... will he ever change, and even if he did... is it possible to rebuild a marriage that has been broken down so badly. Is it possible for someone to forgive when they have lost themselves completely in the pain their loved one has caused? I am so young and I feel like I am doing my best, but I cannot live like this, but I cannot break away between the love, hope, and guilt. And now I don't have any strength, and I just don't know who I am anymore. My marriage doesnt make me happy, nor does he. He doesn't show me love, he doesnt show that he cares about my needs, he doesnt even see when I am in need of his love and attention, but as a codependent.. I find it so hard to say how I feel because I give myself to him first and make sure he has what he needs from me. What do I do? Is there a way out of this trapped life?!
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