welcome to the community and best wishes!

First of all, how he behaves isn't your fault. He has the freedom to choose how he will react to things and how he communicates and runs his life. We can never be held accountable for the choices of other people. That said, criticizing someone is so easy to do without even realizing you're doing it. The first step in changing this is to notice when you do it. Then if you can practice "I feel sentences" to yourself to replace those criticizms it can really help a relationship. If you can successfully change your criticizms into "I feel" sentences this will do four things 1.) your partner may feel less inadaquete and that you are more approachable. 2.) it will help you understand your own feelings better. 3.) it may help him see through your example that expressing personal feelings is safe and healthy and O.K. for him too and 4.) it will allow you to discuss actual issues instead of avoiding them. Of course this will not necessarily change him or his behavior, that is up to him in the end. But it does make for healthier communicating in general.

I know for me that intimacy is very difficult for me to do..i used to think i was intimate..typically in the co addicted relationship someone is the love aviodent and one is the love addict..in my last relationship i was the love addict..my primary fear in the relationship was abandonment and my unconcious fear was intimacy..and for the love aviodent it is reversed..there primary fear is intimacy or engulfment and there unconcious fear is abandonment...makes total sense to me today..i know today that i cant make anyone suit up and show up for me..they have to be willing to meet me half way..i used to carry all of these resentments around with me and i would lash out in rage and anger..i was tired of feeling like the victim..true empowerment is regaining my identity and not allowing it to be dictated by another human being..humans fall short all the time...and remember pain is going to happen but suffering is always optional..suffering is the aviodence of pain...
hugs always
james

I find myself in this situation as well. I live with someone who is completely unavailable emotionally, and physically. I started off critisizing, and being angry allot. Now I have come to accept that I cannot change the way she is, and that I need to decide what it is I want from life,and if this is where I want to be.

At first I was taking the blame for everyhting that was wrong, and it started wearing me down. I just recently realized that I cannot contol how she acts, and her actions are hers and not mine. If she chooses to act a certain way it is not my fault. If it is because of something I did or said, it still does not mean it is my fault she reacted that way. We all choose how we react to our environment.

As for lacking wisdom, I doubt that. You feel.
That is a start. You feel that you need more TLC, and he is not providing it. It is difficult to get that balance when the other is not available. It takes strength, and conviction to keep on the road to recovery. Do read some of the books in the recommendations section, work on yourself. You will find that as you do that things around you wil change. Some for the better, some for what will seem like the worst. But in the end it should work out.

Thank you Beautyfor, hoops, snailmark, and irational. You were all extremely helpful. Hugs for everyone.

Is your boyfriend related to my hubby!!! LOL They sure sound alike. It's 4 yrs in for me and my husband is nor more available than he ever was. It's like I'm waiting on intimacy to build to this day. He uses denial and lets play like eveyrthing is okay and I didn't hear you ...to deal w/our problems. IN other words he DOESN'T readlly deal with anything much. He just plays like all is well.