I am writing for help. I find myself facing feelings of guilt, remorse, lonliness , sadness and feeling just plain like a jackass for falling so hard for this guy who used me like a sucker. I know I scared him too with my crying when he wanted to leave me, which was like every week. He goes through young, older people with such ease when I am left in the middle of the street feeling like an orphan crying out for help. I know I am ugly and old and sick. I don't have a car like he does not either or a job. hE HAS MENTAL DISABILITIES but he sure is sexy and knows how to get 'em. My heart literally hurts when I think of him. He wanted MY HELP AND i THINK i STILL NEED HIM. hE IS 50 BUT LOOKS THIRTY, GREAT BODY AND PERSONALITY. Knows how to talk to people. Ohhelp. Someone help me. People laugh at me and tell me to seek God. I know that helps butI feel too vulnerable. He sang Spanish songs to me, but told me he also sang them to his mother. What was I a mother to him? I used to talk to him like a baby and he knowing how to play, would say, "Daddy is here", but then he would change his mind and go off on tangents, saying he wants young girls and I would have been replaced by now if it was the 80's. Oh I hurt so much. I just wanted to lay in bed and hug and kiss him all day- but the sexuality ruined it. We would be together a lot. But he warned me that the summer would be coming and he has an apartment and drinks 9WHILE TAKING HIS PSYCHE MEDS, GOES OUT TO CLUBS, LOOKS FOR WOMEN (and men too) everywhere. Why can I not be like him. I made a fool out of myself, just like I did in every relationship by idolizing men. But he hurt me physically too. He got back with this gay man who likes him after about 8 months, then he told me I was too sick for him and he and this guy friend of his was getting back together. they go places and the guy stays at his house and i am replaced. some things i just can't believe, how he stold my food stamp card, my keys, my cane and kept them. I had to get some people from the church to help me get them. Since his brothers and sisters won't talk to him, only his mother up until a couple of years ago slept in the same bed with him, at 49 years old? Is that normal. The mother was grieving the loss of her husband . hE HAS BEEN USED TO FEMALE ATTENTION AND MALE ALL HIS LIFE. hE'S STILL GOT THE TOUCH. mANY FRIENDS. tHEN HE GETS POSSESIVE when they are used for sex and abused. I only had a couple of encounters with him, and could see how people would go wild, he's really very sensual. I was friends with the gay guy in the interim when they were apart, the guy is infatuated. They both saw each other when I was not aware of it and suddenly realized the gay guy didn't see me anymore to watch movies or anything. Then I knew. They are so jealous of each other seeing others, but the gay guy puts up with his seing other people. I can't see this done in my face. so the guy I made a fool of myself of again, after years of being without a guy in my life. He started getting nasty ALL THE TIME TO ME, CALLED ME AND HUNG UP, AND CAME RUNNING TO THE COFFEE SHOP I GO TO AND STARTED TO BOSS ME AROUND AGAIN. HE WAS TOLD TO LEAVE. THEN THE GAY GUY WHO IGNORED ME THE WEEK BEFORE, STARTED TO HARASS ME, SCARING ME. HE IS DANGEROUS TOO. HAS BEEN KNOWN TO BE VIOLENT AND LOCKED UP. THE cops got called and the guy was told to not call me or see me, which I guess he was enormously relieved anyway and hasn't called me for over two weeks, but the gay guy who also threatened me had the cops called has been hanging around the shop too much, so he can annoy me and say to the owners what a good time he is having. I am weary and feel like a royal jerk. I Please don't judge me, I am so alone and depressed. Thank you for any comments.
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