I have come to a new awareness about the whole coda thing..I realize today where it all started for me..When i was young and living in an alcoholic home, my mother was completely unavailable for me because she was to busy taking care of my sick father.My childhood was insane. I got used to the chaos of what went down in my home. We would be totally sick and twisted inside the home and when the 4 of us left the home we were the cleaver family.. That shaped the way i totally lived my life as a young adult..I had the great job, the hot girl, the nice car and the outside would present itself like the total package...But the inside was totally dead and withered..But you would never know it unless you got to know me..And by that time i had you hooked. Then the insanity would start..I also realized that i would use the money and lifestyle to give the woman in my life everything they could ever want materially and would finally sit back and tell them" now give me what i want" EMOTIONAL AVAILABILITY..i didnt work out to well..When i didnt get it i would turn into dr jeckell and mr hyde..I would be hurt and tell them i do all this for you and i ask you for something that is free and you cant provide it? What i failed to realize is they were as dead as me on the inside..Otherwise they would of never attracted to me in the first place..I presented all the outside things and what would make me think there was depth to them if thats what attracted them to me? amazing right? Then we would stay in the cycle because i couldnt stand the fear of being alone..For me the fear of being alone had to look better then staying in the relationship..and that never happened...It was jerry springer time and time again..I understand today that i need to be alone in order to grow mentally and spiritually..When the last relationship ended and i was forced to take a long hard look at me i could have gotten another band aid and prolonged the pain..I could live my whole life like that..The pain was and is so great today that i am truely suffering..The difference today is i am willing to do something about it..no more band aids..the wound needs to stay exposed to the elements and heal..When i got out of the last relationship i started to see the true character defects for what they are..I went back on the prowl looking and searching for anything to take me out of me..but the longer i didnt act on that the more awareness i got about the root of the problem..I need to be alone in order to get to finally know the real james..How can i know someone else if i dont even know myself? I CANT..The thoughts go through my head all the time..am i ever going to find someone to love me?will she be pretty? My sponsor tells me that when i do some serious work on myself i will stop attracting the sick people that i want to love..My perception will change and therefore my thinking will change and i will have a psychic change sufficent to bring recovery..That change in thinking will allow me to view the world and me totally different..My attitudes will change and my outlook on life will change as well...Then i will be able to bring a human being into my life and not totally devastate it..A half a person will always attract a half a person...and 2 halfs dont make a whole. my sponsor tells me that once i am whole i wont be looking for the next victim or hostage..and its when i dont need it that i will get it...This whole process has really been an eye opener for me..i know it took 34 years to get here..but i am grateful i am today...the only thing i never tried in life was a spiritual way and it seems to me thats where the meat and potatoes are in this cycle..I need to not be looking from the outside in...i will always attract another from the outside in..I want depth and substance in my life today and i cant acheive that from the way i do things..my belief system is warped and i need to get comfortable being uncomfortable in order to grow..For this addict pain is the only moitvator but in the same respect it really has never stopped me in the past..i was addicted to the chaos...the only thing i know..sitting quiet and peaceful never crossed my mind..Now as long as i sit still and allow the pain and address the issues i have a much better shot at success in life..anytime i pull the band aids out i am doomed to repeat the cycle......This site is part of the reason i got the willingness to finally take the leap of faith and do something about my problem..and for that i am truely grateful...
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